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Light a candle for my lost love - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Light a candle for my lost love [Sep. 27th, 2003|01:49 pm]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I miss obsession.

Throughout my life, almost since I can remember, I have managed to be obsessed about something. I remember the introduction to my earliest obsession: Bobby Sherman and Here Come the Brides. Even after this short-lived (and undoubtedly terrible, which is why I avoid reruns like the plague) TV show went off the air and poor Bobby's next vehicle was a lameass show that got aired at 4pm on Saturdays, I was a loyal Bobby-lover. Other girls were ripping down their Bobby posters and hanging up David (he doesn't even get a link, dammit) Cassidy pictures, but I remained loyal. I watched the Partridge Family, but I still searched through every issue of Tigerbeat and Teen, searching for the most minor of Bobby articles, the Bobby footnote.

Eventually they faded away.

I refuse to mention my obsessions post-Bobby because they are so embarrassing (and, hey, if I would admit to Bobby Sherman, you know these were bad), so we can just shortcut to after my highschool years (okay, Neil Diamond was one of them), and the big obsession that owned my life for decades.

Star Wars.

As I said in a review I once wrote on Echo Station, the first time I saw a trailer for Star Wars ("It's the story of a boy...a girl...and a galaxy"), I turned to my friend and said, "Boy, that looks dumb."

And then the movie came out. And I was hooked. Beyond hooked. I was obsessed. I remained obsessed for the next couple decades. For a long time I thought I was alone, that no one loved Star Wars like I did. There were no toys, nothing new. Just the continuing saga playing out in my head.

And then one day I spotted Timothy Zahn's Heir to the Empire in a Waldenbooks. And scooped it up. And read. And fell in love even harder (much Star Wars literature is irredeemable crap, but some, like this series, is quite good). And then I typed Star Wars into the search engine at Compuserve and found people just as obsessed as I. I found a community. I eventually found a husband.

Sometime within these years I wrote my fan fiction novel, the one that had been rattling around in my head for decades, the one that had sustained me through the dry periods when my obsession offered no outside material to feed itself. That novel won me considerable acclaim in the Star Wars community (particularly the NC-17 version of it, which is still available for the asking [g]). But finishing the story did a strange thing.

Once everything was concrete, once everything was on paper, the life I had been living inside my head was complete. It drained out of me. My obsession diminished. I've started the sequel, but it is based more on the literary part of the story that I tapped into as I started writing, and it doesn't live in my head the way the first part of the story did.

I feel...strangely empty.

I have had mild obsessions since then: Buffy gave me the pleasure of Spike, but I have never made him my own. Angel suffers the same problem. A general adoration of Harrison Ford just hasn't proved to reach the same level.

I had hopes for Lord of the Rings, what with Viggo being so heart-melting and all, but let's face it: Tolkein already wrote all the fan fiction. There's no where to go with it.

All I have is my own future now, which I occasionally feather nicely whilst stuck in traffic, but there is none of the unrequitable desire, the deep agony unanswerable in reality on which I used to thrive. Nothing has caught me like this did. Nothing sustains my rich inner life.

I'm happy and content, for the most part. But I miss that desire, that fierce imagining. It saddens me that I may never have it again.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: daenarys
2003-09-27 01:03 pm (UTC)
Have you ever thought about writing your own story? For me my own characters give me my own obsession... I think I'd be lost if I didn;t have them to write about.
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[User Picture]From: law_witch
2003-09-27 05:36 pm (UTC)
OMG'ss - yes, do it!!!!

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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-09-27 07:23 pm (UTC)
As I said, my limited time is getting in the way of it. Maybe someday.

But thank you for the vote of confidence!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-09-27 07:19 pm (UTC)
I have started a couple other novels, but never really gotten the kind of deep obsession with the characters. And for now life simply doesn't allow the time - full time job and law school at night doesn't leave much in the line of extra hours. Live Journal is keeping my writing skills alive, though, so maybe when I'm finished with school.
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[User Picture]From: salix_03
2003-09-27 06:06 pm (UTC)
getting old sux dont it!! *sighs, pulls out grey hairs* ;D

on the bright side though, if you can figure out WHY certain things obsess you and other things dont, then maybe you can find your next big obsession??
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-09-27 07:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, I can tell you where the obsession comes from. It comes from the ability to insert myself into the story, to live inside it in my head. To become a character (never one already in the story, one I can create) with a full life, a backstory, a place in the universe. I'm always just a little bit offscreen. Roleplaying has come close to replacing it a couple of times, but its limitations keep me from quite getting there.

I'm lacking a rich innner life. My outer one is really good, though. Maybe they are mutually exclusive....
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[User Picture]From: salix_03
2003-09-27 07:39 pm (UTC)
YES!!! thats it!! when my outside life is good, i dont have to compensate and invent an inside one, and when my outside life sux, then i invent really cool shit (imo, that i would NEVER put online/on paper)in my head. you ARE a clever girl!!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-09-28 06:14 am (UTC)
Oh, yeah, your brain can play out all kinds of scenarios you would be horrifically embarrassed for the rest of the world to see!

When I was young and living inside my head so much, I always figured that when I was an adult that would fade and I would be able to live happily in the real world. I was right, but I didn't expect to miss it so much.
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[User Picture]From: salix_03
2003-09-28 06:24 pm (UTC)
:D so very true!!
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[User Picture]From: cyan_blue
2003-09-29 01:59 pm (UTC)
And then the movie came out. And I was hooked. Beyond hooked. I was obsessed. I remained obsessed for the next couple decades. For a long time I thought I was alone, that no one loved Star Wars like I did. There were no toys, nothing new. Just the continuing saga playing out in my head.

Boy, that was me in 7th grade, when Return of the Jedi came out. Star Wars and Empire had failed to make much of an impression on me when first I saw them at ages 6 and 9, but at 12-13 I was *ready*. I loved all three main characters dearly. I wanted to wisecrack and be a kickass pilot like Hans and Leia; I wanted to be as dreamily brooding and good with a lightsabre as Luke; and of course the whole "bringing the father back to Good" fed into my fantasies of a better family life.

I had goosebumps when watching the two new prequels in recent years. Never mind how good or bad they were in different ways... this was *Star Wars*. This was *history*. This was getting to revisit dear old friends.

That novel won me considerable acclaim in the Star Wars community (particularly the NC-17 version of it, which is still available for the asking [g]).

Yeah, would love to see it! If you want to email me a copy, I'm at cyan_blue@livejournal.com - Thanks! An URL would be great too, if it's posted.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-09-30 04:12 am (UTC)
I've sent it off to you, but don't know the limits of LJ accounts for attachments. Alas, the NC-17 version isn't online (must put up website, dammit!). If it doesn't come through I will send in two parts this evening.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-10-22 03:55 am (UTC)
Did I ever send this to you? I'm going through old emails in an attempt to clean things out of my in-box...
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