||[Oct. 27th, 2003|09:57 pm]
There is nothing I loathe, detest and despise having to live through more than the first week in a new job. It never fails; no matter how well I know the work, no matter how much they need me, I inevitably revert to being 13 years old, completely insecure, and terrified. I am immediately convinced that there will never really be a place for me, and that in a short period of time the HR director will show up at the door with a security guard and they will escort me from the building, admonishing me to go quietly. Within a couple weeks I am my usual calm, confident, secure self again, but for that window of time I am in misery.
So it didn’t help that today’s dose of this was accompanied by it being the first day of standard time (meaning that every hour felt like it should be later), or that the poor lighting in my bare, harsh office gave me a fierce headache, or that the janitors had used some chemical in cleaning that had everyone sneezing, or that I started my period.
Dogpile on the new kid!
Equally unhelpful is the fact that my assignments are being held hostage so I am kind of in work limbo. I have a couple projects on my desk, then after that it’s time to start meeting the senior partners unless the new approval process for work that my attorneys need done shakes loose. So, I’m nervous about that, both about having to approach new people for work and about getting it lined up and then having the avalanche hit.
And then to top everything off, I had this X-Files experience on the bus to school, wherein I would swear that something nosed up against the back of my leg. I was sitting in the center-facing benches, not in a row seat, so it couldn’t be someone behind me. I rode the rest of the way to school (only a few blocks) with my legs out stiff and straight in front of me.
I will keep up my mantra: it has to get better, it has to get better, it has to get better…