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Hollow - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Hollow [Mar. 29th, 2004|04:19 pm]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]

I talk a good game about the power of positive thinking, and a good deal of the time I can even live it, but there are some days and things that just leave you feeling hollow. That ash-dry sense that nothing in your day to day life matters. It's tough to pull back up from that, to shrug the daily burden onto one's shoulders and turn to.

These are the days when lifting up the eyes, smiling even when a smile hurts, are the toughest, and yet the most necessary. Happiness is the sanity check in a world turned upside down. It's an anchor, a goal, the guide rope through pain.

After all, my pain is only emotional. My sister's is physical.

My siser is back in the hospital again, new "specialists" are being brought in (I am not filled with confidence in the specialists of Missoula, Montana), but they still don't have any idea what's wrong with her. The pain she is going through is intense; yesterday the nurse failed at putting in a new I.V. and they were calling someone up from ICU to stick her. As we talked on the phone I could hear the pain in her voice, growing with each passing minute. We talked and joked and I tried to distract her from it, but after a while her breath was a short panting, each word a groan. I want to be there and I can't.I finally let her go because talking on the phone was wearing her out, and then went into the kitchen and leaned on Ferrett and just sobbed, hurting for her.

But only my feelings, that's all that hurts. Not the physical agony. I have the luxury to keep working, functioning, to put my pain aside when necessity dictates and pick it back up at my leisure. Grief and loss, in bite-sized chunks.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: nlightnd
2004-03-29 09:37 pm (UTC)
I had a similar day yesterday. I spoke with my grandmother, who is sick with cancer, and later found myself sobbing. I am constantly looking for the lesson in these situations..I suppose this is my way of maintaining a certain level of peace in every situation. Yeah, I know what you mean. Love and Peace.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:46 am (UTC)
I, too, quest for meaning. Sometimes I have to settle for, life is hard, then you die.
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From: random123
2004-03-29 09:40 pm (UTC)
I've been where you are now, and there's nothing that words can do. All I can give you is *Big Hugs*.

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[User Picture]From: happydog
2004-03-29 10:02 pm (UTC)
(sigh)

nothing to offer of any substance except my sympathy, because I know a little of what that's like. If you want any energy sent out to you & your sister let me know.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:32 am (UTC)
efinitely happy to have energy sent to us both. Thank you.
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[User Picture]From: happydog
2004-03-30 06:39 am (UTC)
you got it...
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[User Picture]From: elfwench
2004-03-29 10:06 pm (UTC)
{{tight hugs}}
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[User Picture]From: law_witch
2004-03-29 10:53 pm (UTC)
{{{hugs you tight}}}
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From: ex_nyxluna594
2004-03-29 11:00 pm (UTC)
*hugs* as well... keeping you and your sister in my thoughts.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:45 am (UTC)
Deeply appreciated, believe me.
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[User Picture]From: redherring
2004-03-29 11:40 pm (UTC)
Often, I find emotional agony to be much harder to handle than physical. I can do all sorts of breathing exercises and things to distract myself from physical pain, but I haven't figured out how to ignore my emotions.

I hope things get better for you.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:44 am (UTC)
Yeah, the emotions are tough. I did physical pain last winter, and I'd almost prefer that - at least it occupies the mind.
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[User Picture]From: kathrynrose
2004-03-30 12:03 am (UTC)
Hugs and warm energy to you and to her.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:34 am (UTC)
Thanks.
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[User Picture]From: fragiletender
2004-03-30 12:09 am (UTC)
Hugs, I hope that they find out what's wrong soon.
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[User Picture]From: batshua
2004-03-30 02:40 am (UTC)
If you don''t mind,, what is your sister''s name and what is her mother''s name?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:31 am (UTC)
My sister is Kristi and my mom is Deanna.
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[User Picture]From: batshua
2004-03-30 04:33 am (UTC)
*nodnod**

I'll keep her in mind.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:43 am (UTC)
Thank you.
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[User Picture]From: crystalvh
2004-03-30 02:42 am (UTC)
Ugh. I am so sorry you are feeling yucky. You and your sister are in my thoughts. And, next week, I will give you a big hug in person!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:32 am (UTC)
I'm looking forward to that. And to being warm!
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[User Picture]From: apostate_96
2004-03-30 04:33 am (UTC)
Yeah, it's always easier to talk about it than do it, especially with these kinds of things. One of the things I find for me is that it's a helluva lot easier for me to bear my pain or that of strangers than the pain of those close to me. I'm used to my own pain and what it feels like and what alleviates it. I know the internal "tricks" that make things at least easier to bear most of the time. When it comes to someone I care about, though, I can't do that for them. I'm left with much less certain approaches. And that's hard, because it means that I might not be able to do anything other than be there with them while they hurt and feel some of it along the ride.

And I'm good at shutting down the part of me that's hurting so I can be there and be strong/sympathetic/funny/supportive/whateverisneeded at the time. But that always comes with a price that I pay later, and it's usually a similar kind of collapse like you described.

Count on it, the positive vibes 'n' prayers are going forth from this end, too.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 04:43 am (UTC)
Thanks. I hate the feeling of being this out of control. Not knowing what's wrong with her is the scary part, and not being able to convince them to get really assertive with the docs is frustrating. The energy and good wishes are greatly appreciated.
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[User Picture]From: apostate_96
2004-03-30 05:09 pm (UTC)
I can definitely relate to the discomfort of being out of control, especially when it's dealing with something and someone that's so important to you. I also relate to the frustration of not being able to get them to be more assertive. Then again, there's a lot of times where wanting to control others is frustrating.

The prayers 'n' good wishes will keep coming as long as they're needed. My aunt's in a similar situation, and I think I've got some idea where you're coming from and what you're going through. Here's hoping that, for both your sister and my aunt, it all works out all right.
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[User Picture]From: tygher
2004-03-30 01:24 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

I'll light a candle for your sister's health.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-03-30 01:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
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