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Love - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Love [Sep. 18th, 2004|11:01 pm]
[Current Mood |happyawestruck]

Five years ago tonight I was three sheets, two pillowcases, a dust ruffle and several doilies to the wind, celebrating my impending marriage with Ferrett and fellow friends in a small Irish bar in Stamford, CT. On that night I learned the allure and the danger of a well-made Long Island Iced Tea - five of them, in fact. It was only through the diligence and expertise of my doting fiance that I avoided the mother of all hangovers and was able to enjoy our wedding day.

Five years, we've been married. Five years full of change and strife and the struggle for two headstrong people to learn how to live together.

We never lacked love - we were, in fact, awash in it even at the worst of times. We fought so passionately because we cared so much.

I couldn't recognize that for a while. When the opportunity came to move to Cleveland, I saw it as a chance to make things at least partially right. I had forced Ferrett to move to Alaska - at least he would be back in the Lower 48 when the inevitable breakup finally came.

I was certain that we weren't going to make it. I was fraught with contingency plans. My heart was divided, and I pulled it further and further away from him until at last I blurted out the truth.

I didn't love him anymore.

By all accounts, this should have been a two-year marriage, the rebound relationship, a lesson learned from which I would move on, bruised but intact, a bit wiser.

What happened next was completely unpredictable. A miracle.

Ferrett heard my words. I saw them penetrate. But instead of grabbing his suitcase, packing up his belongings and leaving behind invective, he just nodded.

Okay, he said. Let's work from there. I didn't think I wanted to. It seemed too hard, my head was already in another space. But I couldn't make him leave, because an anchor remained.

I liked the guy. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him as a friend, even in the deepest despair when I couldn't bear the thought of keeping him as a partner. Even when I thought I couldn't stand him, the truth is that a tiny ember of friendship remained.

What can you do then, except try?

From there, we built an amazing relationship. One that has withstood earthquakes and nuclear bombs. One that, though left in ash more than once, we have replanted and made fertile.

We have grown something together that is strong and true. Our bond has withstood assaults from without, and my own stubborn undermining. It has thrived while Ferrett learned to be more accepting and I learned to be less defensive. Even as we have each been bowed by personal crisis, crushing work loads, grief, and stress, it has grown stronger.

To me it is a smooth granite stone in the center of all the chaos, impacted by the incoming "heartaches and natural shocks to which the flesh is heir" but never damaged by them.

Three years ago, unsure of ourselves and circling like two exhausted boxers in the 18th round, we bought this house. From the moment we walked through the door, we felt that it was a blessed place, a place of peace and happiness. It took us a while to really incorporate that into ourselves, but we finally did last December, when a crisis came that left us with a choice: everything, or nothing at all.

We chose everything.

Three years ago we moved in here. Tomorrow we will renew our vows, standing by the fountain in the garden that we have nurtured. We will celebrate five years of love, of committment and hard work. And the miracle that can be born when you just won't give up.

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[User Picture]From: maddeningshroud
2004-09-19 03:40 am (UTC)
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

My husband and I are going to be married four years this coming November and we've been through some struggles. I'm sure we'll go through more. But the idea of choosing everything? I love it. And I will, if ever faced with the choice.

Thank you for our words.
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[User Picture]From: coconutcaat
2004-09-19 03:49 am (UTC)
I bet that was beautiful, however, the whole time I was reading it, all I saw was "smoothie, Smoothie, SMOOTHIE," and thus, I caught none of it. However, I am curious, did it actually say "smoothie" somewhere or am I just in serious need or a beverage?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-19 04:24 am (UTC)
Um...it's you.

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[User Picture]From: salix_03
2004-09-19 03:51 am (UTC)
*snuggles you and your ferrett* you two are my role model of a healthy, functioning relationship. thank you
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From: crystalsage
2004-09-19 03:54 am (UTC)
And the miracle that can be born when you just won't give up.

My husband and I went through a similar trial a year ago and decided to "not give up." And its the best thing we've ever done. Miracles truly do happen.

Congratulations on sticking it out and staying the course. You're both awesome :) (hugs)

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[User Picture]From: kibbles
2004-09-19 04:15 am (UTC)

me three!

Not very many people take the hard way and stick with it. . .but we're glad we did.

Happy anniversary, you two, and you both act like you've been married for ages, in the good way. I would have thought for sure it was for much longer!
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[User Picture]From: ladyortyger
2004-09-19 04:04 am (UTC)
Lovely. :)
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[User Picture]From: greybeta
2004-09-19 04:09 am (UTC)
Mrs. Ferrett, I no longer wonder about arranged marriages. I know that I have to find the love you describe, no matter what trials I face. I've read the Ferrett's bio and his side of matters, and it's very very beautiful to see his feelings reciprocated.
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[User Picture]From: kellirose1313
2004-09-19 04:18 am (UTC)

I'm teary eyed

That was beautiful!!!
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[User Picture]From: sassamifrass
2004-09-19 04:23 am (UTC)
You never fail to post at least one thing every month or two that automatically needs to be included in my LJ Memories.

I'm so happy to read about people forging bonds like these. It goes against the cynical nature and predictions of many of the attitudes around here in the media and elsewhere.
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From: appleblossomtru
2004-09-19 04:28 am (UTC)
Many blessings to you both! :)
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[User Picture]From: lulybunny
2004-09-19 04:37 am (UTC)

I get all emotional late at night. Congratulations!
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From: iggy182
2004-09-19 04:55 am (UTC)
Happy Anniversary.

You are an inspiration to us all.
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[User Picture]From: happydog
2004-09-19 05:07 am (UTC)

Me and Mrs. Happydog will be celebrating 9 years this November. You are dead right that marriage is about (a) not giving up and (b) choosing everything instead of nothing.

Happy anniversary to you both.
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From: ex_leopardp
2004-09-19 05:07 am (UTC)
Aw fuck, now you went and made me cry...darned it.
You two deserve each other. You deserve all the happiness and joy that can possibly be stuffed into someone's life. I fucking envy you both. But in a good way. *hug*
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From: lousy_timing
2004-09-19 05:37 am (UTC)

Have a happy!

Congratulations on making it work and finding your way back to each other rather than letting each other go.

May you have a most excellent anniversary!
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[User Picture]From: bridgetester
2004-09-19 06:13 am (UTC)

The Strength and Fragility of Love

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[User Picture]From: lysana
2004-09-19 06:16 am (UTC)
Giving up when it's good but troubled is definitely the wrong move. I've managed 18 years with someone who agrees with me on that, and that's a big reason why.

Happy anniversary!
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[User Picture]From: jemyl
2004-09-19 06:21 am (UTC)
It is so wonderful to be married to a man with whom one can both laugh and agree and fight and rant and be a total bitch because, at that center, is that essence of relationship that is both love and friendship. If there is lust thrown in for fun then it can be both perfect i.e. complete and continuously fun, even when you reach the mental or physical point wherein your lovemaking uses your largest sexual organ more often than your genitalia.

Congratulations on five years and may you live to celebrate your 50th together and still in love and liking each other. What you wrote was beautiful, made more so by its very honesty and truth along with the inherent wisdom you both show in all of your writings.
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[User Picture]From: elf_inside
2004-09-19 06:42 am (UTC)
That's much better than when a person gives up without even trying - for both parties. Unfortunately, on the way to marriage when troubles struck, things didn't work out so well for me. I told the person I was with the things that we needed to work on, and she just freaked out and gave up. Apparently she didn't think she needed to change anything about herself (which is pretty much what she told me). Now she calls me all the time and moans about how lonely she is. "You had your chance" is all I've got to say to her now.

It's good to see that *some* people out there are willing to put the work necessary to make a commitment a commitment.
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[User Picture]From: altbro_emeritus
2004-09-19 07:05 am (UTC)
:) thank you for writing this post.
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[User Picture]From: iyarwein
2004-09-19 07:05 am (UTC)

I first met Ferrett shortly after your move to Cleveland. I remember being a faithful reader of starcitygames.com at that point, and him posting a message saying he was moving to Cleveland and asking for people in the area that played Magic. I happily responded, because Ferrett was my second favorite writer (first being John F. Rizzo). When Ferrett invited me over for a day of Odyssey sealed practice, and I had the pleasure of meeting the both of you, I was overjoyed. Ferrett told me how much he loved you, and how perfect of a person you were.

I cannot tell you how right he was. I feel blessed to have met you both, and I am glad that your relationship has survived. Having the chance to be reintroduced into your lives was a great thing, and I hope that for years to come I will be able to sporatically enter your lives again.

My best wishes for tomorrow, and for the years to come!
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[User Picture]From: lunarennui
2004-09-19 07:29 am (UTC)
this is beautiful. blessings on both of you and your marriage.
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From: morgan_dorpher
2004-09-19 07:55 am (UTC)

your garden variety australian livejournal stalker.

I've been reading your journal for ages now.
I have to say this one thing though.
"You are beautful, beyound the structures of this world."
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[User Picture]From: dk_leathers
2004-09-19 08:14 am (UTC)
~warm smile~ ..beautiful. Congratulations you... and you're right, it's SO worth the fight and the effort, I know it too.
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[User Picture]From: call_me_harmony
2004-09-19 08:55 am (UTC)
Blessings and many more happy years to you both.
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