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Star Wars, one more time - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Star Wars, one more time [Sep. 24th, 2004|11:03 am]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |cynicalcynical]

Yesterday, shezan posted an interview with George Lucas. Among the more outrageous things George said was this: In my mind [Greedo] shot first or at the same time. We like to think of [Han Solo] as a murderer because that's hip -- I don't think that's a good thing for people. I mean, I don't see how you could redeem somebody who kills people in cold blood.

Reread the last sentence: I mean, I don't see how you could redeem somebody who kills people in cold blood.

Uh, George? Remember that guy you call "Darth Vader"?

From this remark, I can only conclude one thing. George has decided that Darth Vader was not evil, just misunderstood.

Therefore, after the third movie is released, I predict an even MORE Special Special Edition of the Holy Trilogy. Here are the changes that we will see in the first movie:

Title: STAR SNITS - EPISODE IV: A NEW HUG

1. Opening scene: When Threepio says, "They've shut down the main reactor!" a new scene will be inserted of Darth Anni standing in a corridor with one hand to his mask: "Whoops!"

2. Instead of choking Captain Antilles, Darth Anni will walk down the corridor with his arm around Antilles shoulder, trying to reason with him about returning something that was stolen, because stealing is wrong. Antilles will trip and fall against the wall, breaking his own neck.

3. After he instructs the subordinate to "Send out a distress signal, then inform the Senate that everyone aboard was killed," he will add, "Then take everyone back to my place and serve them milk and cookies."

4. Instead of saying "I find your lack of faith disturbing" and choking the Imperial officer, he will say, "You appear to be choking. Here, let me apply a Force Heimlich manuever!"

5. When he enters Princess Leia's cell, he will be followed by a bright green floating sphere that says "Happy Fun Ball." When speaking to Tarkin later, he will sadly tell him that the Princess insisted on taunting Happy Fun Ball.

6. When Alderaan is destroyed, everyone will spin around to look toward the controls and cry out with dismay, "Jar-Jar!" Jar-Jar Binks, at the controls, will shrug his shoulders. "Meesa sorry! Meesa didn't know the big red button made things go boom!"

7. ObiWan Kenobi will cut off his own head. Darth Anni, who didn't really want to hurt him, will yell "No!" just as loud as Luke.

8. While in his TIE fighter, Darth Anni will giggle incessently and keep remarking about what a great simulator game this is. Just like Ender, he will be shocked and aggrieved to learn he was tricked into actually killing people. The TIE fighter will be equipped with a second seat and Jar-Jar will sit behind Darth Anni, waving his arms and acting terrified in that darling way he does that is always funny.
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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: happydog
2004-09-24 03:08 pm (UTC)
good one.

You forgot about that adorable ear flopping thing that Jar Jar does. Gotta throw that in there!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 03:08 pm (UTC)
Do I have to? I'm getting an eye-twitch just thinking about it.
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[User Picture]From: dream_labyrinth
2004-09-24 03:12 pm (UTC)
Not only misunderstood, but also incredibly stupid.
Probably Lucas is trying to make the movies reflect his own state of mind, as senility is kicking in.
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[User Picture]From: aehallh
2004-09-24 03:18 pm (UTC)
Amen.
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[User Picture]From: shermel
2004-09-24 03:23 pm (UTC)
And when Vadrer reveals that he is Luke's father there'll be a daydream sequence of them going to the zoo, with Vader buying Luke a ballon in the shape of a Gungan.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 04:36 pm (UTC)
I'm just reminded of Toy Story 2...
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[User Picture]From: channonyarrow
2004-09-24 03:27 pm (UTC)
Can we just go back to the date that Lucas announced that he was going to film The Phantom Menace and assume that he was actually falling victim to some of the more insidious dementias?

I mean, this is getting embarrassing.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 03:34 pm (UTC)
I just want my original version of the movies. Then I can pretend that none of the rest of this ever happened.
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From: cktraveler
2004-09-24 03:46 pm (UTC)
Han Solo firing at Greedo first does not make him a murderer.

If a person who I know to be a dangerous criminal corners me in a dangerous neighborhood, makes several threatening statements, goes for his blaster, and I shoot him, that is self-defense even if the thug's weapon never clears his holster. Slow or not, his intentions were obvious and I was given no choice but to defend myself.

I never thought of Han as being a murderer because of that. I thought of him as being a tough guy who knew how to handle himself in a dangerous profession.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 03:51 pm (UTC)
Exactly. Precisely. Brazen, cool-headed, tough. Maybe a little hard-hearted, but not without reason.
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[User Picture]From: frawg_angel
2004-09-24 03:56 pm (UTC)
I have to admit that I thought of you as I was watching the Bonus Features disk of the Bastardized Holy Trilogy. There is a section of it called Episode III: The Return of Darth Vader and I admit I got goose bumps, shivers, and all kinds of fangirl squeals when they showed the making of the suit and putting it on Haden. Against my better cynical side, I actually have HOPE for the 3rd one.

I'm not a total Lucas hater, although I do think he's off his rocker.... he's focused too much on the special effects than the story and it shows in the prequals and the "Special Bastardized Editions." But there are elements of the story that he has that can show why Anikin chose the dark side. It should have been 1 movie, maybe two, instead of 3. In the preview of Episode III, I can see it now, what he was attempting to do. NOW I see Anakin pre Darth. And Obi Wan is really coming out of Ewan. I think he spent too much time and special effects to build up to what's really good. The first two movies could have been condensed into a 45 minute backlog or dream sequence between Anakin and Obi Wan, and then we have the 2 hours of Episode II stuff where he turns nasty and then becomes the walking Darth we know and love. I do believe that James Earl Jones is still doing the voice after the mask goes on, because he was interviewed in the piece.

I have hope. God help me, I have hope...
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 04:10 pm (UTC)
I wrote an article before the release of Phantom Menace entitled "Episode II: Oh no Hope!" because I got sucked in by a good trailer.

I am almost afraid of watching what you have described now, for it will reawaken that hope.
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[User Picture]From: sobrique
2004-09-24 03:56 pm (UTC)
And of course, smugglers are just nice and misunderstood people, not crooks running drugs to junkies.

Let's not forget, that he was _working_ for Jabba, when he ripped off a pair of unsuspecting farmboys and their droids.

Accidental hero, and then hung around trying to get into Leia's knickers.

Such a cool character.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 04:13 pm (UTC)
He NEVER ran drugs!!! Spice was just, um, cinnamon! He smuggled things to downtrodden folk who were oppressed by, um....

Other misunderstood people.

I forgot the subtitle. It should be Star Snits: A New Hug.
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[User Picture]From: susitna
2004-09-24 04:14 pm (UTC)
I really embarassed myself with loud laughter upon reading this. The princess insisted on taunting Happy Fun Ball. God, you crack me up.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 04:18 pm (UTC)
I've embarrassed my daughter.

My work here is done.

;-)
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[User Picture]From: shezan
2004-09-24 04:35 pm (UTC)
You evil, evil woman.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 04:36 pm (UTC)
Evil, maybe. But not wrong.
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[User Picture]From: donkey_hokey
2004-09-24 04:38 pm (UTC)
Hah. They'd have to hurry - James Earl Jones isn't getting younger, and his voice would be VERY difficult to fake.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 04:42 pm (UTC)
Then they'd just substitute in a kinder, gentler voice for the entire role.
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[User Picture]From: stone_
2004-09-24 04:39 pm (UTC)
You missed the group hug after Vader tell Luke that he is his father. The years of family therapy afterwards, and the heart-warming scene when they spend there first Jedi-xmas together.

Next on the docket: Emperor Palpatine

Palpatine will get scrooged. The ghost of Jedis past will come and open his heart. He will shrug off the dark side and make amends for his past. The ewoks will be sent several large turkeys.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 04:41 pm (UTC)
Because Return of the Jedi wasn't enough turkey for them already?

I stopped after the first movie because it was too painful to continue. Somehow, the fact that a selfish act like stopping the Emperor from murdering his own genetic stock being enough to redeem Vader completely and get him a place in the Blue Aura Club is already smarmy enough.
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[User Picture]From: ccr1138
2004-09-24 04:48 pm (UTC)
LOL! Can I publish this on Echo Station?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 04:50 pm (UTC)
Sure! It's been a while since I've had a by-line over there. I thought about offering it, but then wasn't sure whether that would be tacky.

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[User Picture]From: scathedobsidian
2004-09-24 06:24 pm (UTC)
Fucking hilarious.
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[User Picture]From: lordindra
2004-09-24 06:34 pm (UTC)
What I hate most about the new releases is how Hayden Christiansen is the new force shade for Anakin. That completely cheapens Vaders redemption. That would make sense if falling to the Dark Side was like demonic posession, but not even the prequels remotely suggest that, its a corruption of your OWN soul, not the invasion of another, that causes you to fall.

I'd like to know when Han shot in cold blood to begin with. He didn't do it in the original version, he didn't do it in the first special edition. He's a smuggler, who had just screwed over one of the galaxies biggest crime lords, whos goon was making some not so veiled threats against his life with a gun pointed at him. Han was simply defending himself- he wasn't about to take the risk that the threats were more than just threats. Firing first was morally ambiguous(especially when you consider the activities that lead to the faceoff), but thats part of what made the Han Solo character great. He wasn't evil, but his morals were buried under a very thick layer of pragmatism. That made his return to Yavin to help fight the Empire all the more powerful- here's a man that lives his whole life by a code of ruthless pragmatism, realizing that there are causes worth risking your life for, that might not even bring you any benefit even if you do survive.

A lot of the power of the first trilogy was in the redemption and moral growth of the characters. Solo going from a rogue to a hero, Vader returning to the light after decades of evil, Luke going from typical teen to savior, Leia going from being a snotty bitch to a true leader. He's cheapened Solo's growth, wiped Vaders redemption completely, I wonder who else will have their characters entire artistic merit completely destroyed? Are we going to see Luke standing up to a bunch of thugs at school and stopping a near riot through inspired words as his aunt and uncle look on?

Unlike many I actually liked the prequels, but the Vader thing in the new DVD's has me really scared for Episode III.
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[User Picture]From: rev_tobias
2004-09-24 07:41 pm (UTC)
What I hate most about the new releases is how Hayden Christiansen is the new force shade for Anakin. That completely cheapens Vaders redemption. That would make sense if falling to the Dark Side was like demonic posession, but not even the prequels remotely suggest that, its a corruption of your OWN soul, not the invasion of another, that causes you to fall.

[DEVIL'S ADVOCATE]

There is actually a way to pull it of that'd make sense. Imagine Anakin (who vowed in Episode II to conquer death itself) discovers a technique that allows you to make a "Force Backup" of yourself. It's this backup that later appears in the Blue Aura Club (BAC).

- Qui-Gon couldn't know the technique as Anakin invents it after his death, thus the lack of a BAC Qui-Gon is neatly explained.

- Anakin made his last (possibly only) backup before his fall to the Dark Side and never repeated the process later for whatever reason (a shred of remorse and shame about what he had become, Force Backup being a pure Light Side ability, Vader's hubris seeing himself as immortal and not needing a backup, whatever), so BAC Anakin is the Anakin of the days before The Fall.

- Both Obi-Wan and Yoda made "Last Minute Backups" before their deaths, thus their BAC appearance is the same as in the Classic Trilogy.

[/DEVIL'S ADVOCATE]

Is it possible to rationalize the BAC change like that? Yes. Do I believe that George Lucas has actually thought of this? Hell no.
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[User Picture]From: force_of_will
2004-09-24 06:46 pm (UTC)
It's not like the whole movie/series isn't about change. The series basically starts out following Luke as he changes into a Jedi and learns how, in part to be not a snotty nosed kid but a smarmy jedi warrior. Solo, even if he's a cornered killer, well, by the end swings the Falcon back around to help his new friends and fight the empire. He WAS redeemed in IV.

I saw George on Charlie Rose and I thought he was pretty sane sounding for the most part. Making Star Wars was, for him, a lot about compromise because he just couldn't get or do what he wanted and he keeps wanting to go back and make it what he wants. That idea isn't a completely negative one but he also seems a little callous/in the dark about what the movie means to so many and how they view his new tinkering.

Will
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2004-09-24 06:55 pm (UTC)
Yes, the series is about change. That is precisely what it is about. But George is making all the changes retroactive. He is revising the past (or the future) so that the characters aren't nearly as dramatically bad from the get-go. He is leveling everything out.

George has changed his story about as twice many times as he has revised the movies. I don't trust a thing he says.
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