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Stand back, she's gonna blow! - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Stand back, she's gonna blow! [Aug. 28th, 2005|08:41 pm]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |rushedAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!]

I don't generally have panic attacks, but I think I'm having one now.

I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed by life. Trying to do homework while Amy is here has at least been an object lesson to her why she really can't live here during the school year - she's miserable and continually pestering me; I'm miserable about pushing her away and completely distracted.

Ferrett and I are both feeling terribly isolated from our social life, my sister and her son are a neverending presence here, even though Kris feels ignored at times. I'm ripped up over losing next weekend with Ferrett, and feel like a selfish bitch for feeling that way. I have a ton of stuff that needs doing that just isn't getting there, and it's Sunday night again and the clock is ticking. I feel ready to explode.

I feel like I'm not living up to the standards. Any standards. I'm not a good friend right now, not a good mom, not a good sister, only a marginal wife. I feel like I'm being pulled in 17 directions and not stretching far enough to reach a single one of them. I'm sick to my stomach from eating buttered popcorn at the movies today, I never got to the work I brought home with me this weekend, I am sitting in here with the door closed trying to do homework while Ferrett spends the evening with Amy, and I'm not getting through the homework because I'm too wound up for it to penetrate my brain.

I feel like a failure, and it's only the end of the first week of class. I can't even tell you what I want. I'm too anxious to curl up in a ball and stare at the wall, too flighty to get through any studying, too touched-out for a hug to help. I'm sick of movies, sick of sensory input, sick of electronics.

What I really need is a quiet evening in the company of friends, but circumstances are thwarting that possibility. Amy leaves Thursday, I have class every evening, and Ferrett is out of town next weekend.

I want to run away from life, but the damned thing keeps following me around.

And I think I'm going to barf up the popcorn.

I just want to cry.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: losgunna
2005-08-29 12:47 am (UTC)
*HUG*
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[User Picture]From: throbinson
2005-08-29 12:51 am (UTC)
Ohhh, I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. I hope you find a way to carve out a little island of solace for yourself. Climb into a warm bath, light a sweet-smelling candle, and do nothing at all just for a little while.
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[User Picture]From: smldada9801
2005-08-29 12:54 am (UTC)
*hugs*

I hope that things begin to calm themselves down soon. It sounds like you are on the right track in knowing you need a quiet evening with friends. Making time for you and actually choosing to not worry about work, school, stress, during that time is very important. Don't ever feel guilty about doing it.
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[User Picture]From: trianakvetch
2005-08-29 12:58 am (UTC)
*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: also_huey
2005-08-29 12:59 am (UTC)

(Insert trite statement here)

I'm currently on day four of the first real vacation I've had in almost a year. I'm currently about two hours up the road from you physically, and on the other side of the planet from you emotionally. For about five months now, I've been wound tight to the point of snapping, and just today, I not only managed to relax, but also realize "holy shit, I'm relaxed".

Tomorrow, I drive back home. On Tuesday, I go back into the jaws of the Cruel Life-Sucking Project From Hell. But, y'know, right now, everything is okay. And I'm not under any illusion that I'm all that special. The things that I've been through are harder than some, easier than some, and probably thoroughly average in the grand scheme of human experiences. There has been nothing (so far) that I couldn't overcome. And, sure enough, I have. And I'm here now, drinking beer, visiting family, and breathing easy for the first time in recent memory.

So, I made it through that, and I'm here now, and everything is okay. And I'm sure that I'll have to go through stuff like that again, but probably make it through again.

And so will you.
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[User Picture]From: kathrynrose
2005-08-29 01:04 am (UTC)
::hug::
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[User Picture]From: darthfox
2005-08-29 01:11 am (UTC)
hey -- listen: cry.

seriously. do it. you'll feel better.
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[User Picture]From: brujah
2005-08-29 01:14 am (UTC)
Emotions like you've just described are the very reason I mourn the loss of my heavy bag. I would get wound up so tight that I thought I was going to explode, or implode, or just fall to pieces.

Morgan would hold the bag for me, then I would hold it for her.

When I finally wore the thing out, duct tape would no longer hold it together.

I miss that freaking bag and one day (When I'm a real girl) I will own another one and I will love it as thoroughly as the first one.

Grab a pillow, lay face first on your bed, kick your feet and scream into the pillow until you can't scream any more. A release valve.

I'd offer you a hug, but what I really want to do is find life's pause button to give you a few minutes to catch up with yourself.

Much love to you.
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[User Picture]From: selina_fox
2005-08-29 01:28 am (UTC)
Seriously, that should teach you to eat buttered popcorn, especially when you're stressed out. >_>

But no, what I mean is... I don't know what I mean. I feel like that almost all the time but it's even worse when I don't actually do anything and I have no excuses to feel overwhelmed by life when amazing people like you are dealing with worse.

If any consolation can be offered in the form of virtual hugs from a virtual stranger, you have it.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-08-29 01:54 am (UTC)

Re: A ZOETHE SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Ferrett will be in Connecticut for the memorial service this weekend, but we would definitely like to see you guys some other weekend when you're both available (I'm not sure if that involves azure moons or below-average temps in hell these days...). This coming weekend I think will be spent catching up on shit.

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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-08-29 01:55 am (UTC)
I got the gist, despite the abbreviated sentence. Thanks sweetie.
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[User Picture]From: roniliquidity
2005-08-29 01:51 am (UTC)
Gah, I'm sorry. It'll get better, it has to.

Maybe try to figure out what your small comforts are and embrace them. When I feel like I just want to hide in a closet and cry from the stress, I take a long hot shower and have a cup of cocoa. The shower has become a sort of anti-stress grounding ritual for me. I visualize the tension running off of me like water. Then I sit on the floor of the tub and pretend I'm in my own little rain forrest.


And Worst cause scenario, at least you're not one fire. Everything is worse when you're on fire.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-08-29 01:56 am (UTC)
Someone else suggested a bath and candles. Water may be a good idea.
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[User Picture]From: tlknfrgs
2005-08-29 03:10 am (UTC)
so long as you aren't planning to use it for drowning..my vote is for the hot bath
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-08-29 03:27 am (UTC)
No drowning! Believe me, having almost been drown as a kid, I am highly averse to the notion!
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[User Picture]From: tlknfrgs
2005-08-29 03:44 am (UTC)
rock on...then pour yourself a luxurious bubble bath woman!!! :)

on a more serious note, i do hope things start to calm down for you and that life becomes normal again
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[User Picture]From: hugh_mannity
2005-08-29 02:00 am (UTC)
*Hugs*

And I second the water thing. Very soothing and will wash away some of the stress.
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[User Picture]From: ser_kai
2005-08-29 02:01 am (UTC)
*hugs*
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From: blumindy
2005-08-29 02:05 am (UTC)
{{HUGS!!}}

Adjustment periods are so hard. You are so not any of those things that you describe. You are so driven and so able to stick to everything you pile on your plate, it just leaves me breathless.

You'll be back in your groove soon. Take a breath. If you can't focus, you might as well do something else and enjoy it. Good luck!
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[User Picture]From: apostate_96
2005-08-29 02:53 am (UTC)
Sorry to hear it, darlin'. I can definitely relate. Working and grad school and trying to maintain relationships are just murderous sometimes. The one thing I can suggest that might help, at least with the perspective, is that there are times when "good enough" has to be the standard by which things are measured, especially when there are hard deadlines on some things....like homework. Part of the thing about being involved with adults is sometimes having to leave them to do their own thing so you can get yours done. It doesn't mean abandoning them indefinitely, but for periods when it's needed, well....

Hazard you've got with the profession you're going into is that it's going to force the same kinds of choices again. You will not always be able to get and do all the things you want. Sometimes you've gotta make the hard call about what's the priority at the time. It sucks, but that's one of the reasons that well-educated professional people get paid more (at least in theory). They do have more of that stress to deal with.

From what I've seen, your man's enough of a grown-up to understand that there'll be times while you're working and in school that you'll just be busy. I can't (and wouldn't) speak for him, but I'd bet he'd be cool with giving that time, especially if you still make y'all the priority enough of the time to keep things going OK. Hopefully it's something Amy can learn from, too....that sometimes you do what you've gotta even if it means you don't get what you want at the moment.

I feel like I'm not living up to the standards. Any standards. I'm not a good friend right now, not a good mom, not a good sister, only a marginal wife. I feel like I'm being pulled in 17 directions and not stretching far enough to reach a single one of them.

Sounds to me like you're trying to live up to too many of 'em at once. No-one could do that! Not unless you're on crack or meth...and I would not advise either one. They let you do it for a while, but then you tend to lose way more than it buys you. Instead, figure out which ones are the ones to set first and then set the rest to the "good enough" level. You'll get through and at least have a little sanity left. The people who love you will still love you.

*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: myshanter
2005-08-29 06:03 pm (UTC)
I have to second this. But you'll hit your stride. You always do.
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[User Picture]From: apostate_96
2005-08-29 10:02 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I've got faith in that, too.
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[User Picture]From: jenmcd
2005-08-29 02:53 am (UTC)
Damn, I wish there was something I could do for you. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: aehallh
2005-08-29 04:47 am (UTC)
You're not perfect...though it sounds like you expect yourself to be. Don't. For your own health and sanity, don't (and this is someone talking from the other side of having had a series of heart attacks in my mid 20's and had to learn to cut out stress in my life or DIE). I know its easy to say and hard to do...and I truly do with I had a foolproof method to just make it happen for you..
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[User Picture]From: plantgirl
2005-08-29 06:36 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I really hope you get your you/you&ferrett/you&amy time that you need.

Sometimes giving in and having a good cry is just what the doctor ordered. I hate doing it, but I've come to realize it's actually a very effective way to get rid of stress.

If you were to drop any one of those obligations for the next 24 hours, would it be work, school, or ??? (I'm assuming it wouldn't be your daughter or husband).
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[User Picture]From: megthelegend
2005-08-29 07:07 am (UTC)
Oh, sweetie, I feel for you. Being a parent AND working are two hard things just by themselves.

How much longer until it's all over?

Is there a way for you to cut down on what you're doing rather than cut it out completely? Can you drop another class, so you finish 6 months later, rather than having to drop 5 classes and finish 20 years later?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-08-29 10:42 am (UTC)
Amy leaves Thursday. Ferrett will only be gone for a weekend. I will get my act together in a week or so. It's all over after this year.

I will survive.
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[User Picture]From: megthelegend
2005-09-07 07:45 am (UTC)
How's your act doing now? :)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-09-07 08:44 am (UTC)
Thanks for asking. I've got homework under control this week, but work work is being very stressful. I think we tell ourselves these things (it's all going to be fine soon) so we don't despair.
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[User Picture]From: megthelegend
2005-08-29 07:20 am (UTC)

A suggestion

Look, this is humungously anal, so don't laugh at me too hard, OK? ::g:: I veer from being really anal to being horrifically blase. You should see the state of my loungeroom.

Anyway.

When I'm at home with the kids for an entire day, and I've got some things I need to do (e.g. cleaning), want to do (e.g. reading, writing), and need/want to do (e.g. looking after & playing with the kids) I sometimes have to give myself permission to finish what I'm doing and move onto the next thing.

It's really, really easy to get caught up in, "I'm trying to relax but they keep interrupting me! If I go to them now then I've wasted my relaxing time but I'm in a shitty mood so I'm spoiling the time I have with them!" So I have to step back, and make myself calm the fuck down (and sometimes this requires a good cry; I can cope with quite a lot of frustration but, say, 20 interruptions in the first 5 minutes to myself after being with the kids for 2 hours straight, that's FRUSTRATION, man!).

Then I try to make myself *accomplish* things. Just little things. Tick 'em off a mental list. Sometimes a physical list if I'm feeling really anal. So, rather than spending my day in a blur of 30 seconds doing part of the dishes, 15 minutes feeding my daughter but also helping my son and trying to eat my lunch, 3 minutes sitting down, 10 minutes sitting down with food but also talking to my son... I devote myself to Finishing The Dishes. Watching An Entire Power Rangers Episode with my son. Playing With My Daughter. Tidying The Bathroom. I still get interrupted but try to go straight back to whatever. Then I finish, and move onto the next thing. At the end of the day I feel like I've actually spent some time doing all the things I had to do, even if it wasn't anything like *enough* time on each individual thing. But I spent time doing X without feeling guilty because I wasn't doing Y simultaneously.

So I wonder if you can find 10 minutes each day to devote to things so you don't feel so guilty. Or even 30 minutes, in 3 10 minute blocks. One day you spend it on reading, then on being with Amy, then on being with Ferrett. Next day you spend it gardening, then having a LONG bubble bath. Next day you call a friend for 10 minutes, then spend time with Ferrett again. It's not *good* and of course you'll do these things at other times, too, but if you set aside a small amount of time just for those things/people, you might feel like you're doing them more justice.

I know you are far more organised than I am, and may laugh at the above as being far below your powers. ::g:: Or just laugh because I'm anal. But if it's helpful, OR if I make you laugh, then I'm glad!!!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-08-29 10:40 am (UTC)

Re: A suggestion

Actually, it's not a bad suggestion. I will give it a try.
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[User Picture]From: megthelegend
2005-09-01 08:06 am (UTC)

Re: A suggestion

Good luck!
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[User Picture]From: spooke
2005-08-29 10:14 am (UTC)
I hope you feel better soon. Anxious depression blows zombie goats. *remotely queued hug*
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[User Picture]From: wolflady26
2005-08-29 10:48 am (UTC)
Remember that you don't have to be all things all the time. School is temporary, and a stepping stone on your way to an important goal. It's taking up a huge amount of your time now, but it will pass. Needing the time it takes for homework/class time does not make you a bad wife, mother, or friend. It makes you a person with needs of your own, and I bet that your husband and friends can understand and respect that, even if they would like to spend time with you.

The semester will be over sooner than it feels right now, and graduation will come faster than you can believe it will right now.
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[User Picture]From: miripanda
2005-08-29 02:34 pm (UTC)
Hang in there! (is the worst advice ever)

Regardless of whether you feel like an effective wife/mother/friend right now, remember that you're a student and hard worker and sometimes that part of you has to come first. The part that needs a quiet gathering with friends might have to be happy with a nice bath and quiet time. It's ucky, but this too will pass, and it'll be Labor Day Weekend before you know it.
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[User Picture]From: cyan_blue
2005-08-29 03:41 pm (UTC)
feel like I'm not living up to the standards. Any standards. I'm not a good friend right now, not a good mom, not a good sister, only a marginal wife. I feel like I'm being pulled in 17 directions and not stretching far enough to reach a single one of them.

Hugs, sweetie.

Remember that anyone, faced with these set of tasks, would be doing only marginally at best - because the human body and psyche only have so much capacity to cover so many bases. You aren't a failure - you're a trooper, trying gamely to do the impossible.
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[User Picture]From: cath555
2005-08-29 04:54 pm (UTC)
God god, do I know how you feel. I laways feel like I never have enough time to get what needs to be done done, and neglecting important things to get even that far.

Law school= sleep deprived zombie walking guiltfest ;-)
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[User Picture]From: redherring
2005-08-29 04:58 pm (UTC)
There have been numerous times in my education when I've been right here with you. It sucks right now, but try to just keep slogging forward. It'll get better. If this is what you really want, there's no sense looking back in a few years and regretting that you never did it.
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[User Picture]From: alexmegami
2005-08-29 05:06 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

Balancing school and friends is hard enough on its own - I can only imagine how tossing extended family in there is making things. I, too, advocate both lists and a nice, relaxing bath with candles - and also keeping your favorite/most relaxing candle lit in your homework room (whatever room that is). If you're getting stressed out, go over to the candle and take three deep breaths and go back to what you were doing.

Here's hoping that you're feeling much better today.
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[User Picture]From: barelyproper
2005-08-29 07:23 pm (UTC)
Hugs

I wisht I could do more than lend mute offerings of support.
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[User Picture]From: batshua
2005-08-30 04:50 am (UTC)
I know the feeling and all I can suggest is this:

1) If you can handle it and have the time for it, have a minor breakdown.
2) If not, have a mad moment. Run off and hide in a bookstore/coffee shop/park/whatever.
3) Call a friend or 12. Even if you can't hang out, talk.

Hugs.
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