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Owning it - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Owning it [Sep. 6th, 2005|05:46 am]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |pleasedpleased]

This was a pretty good Labor Day Weekend, marred by Ferrett's absence for his grandfather's funeral, but otherwise lacking only one more day to make it perfect (but isn't that always the case?). On Saturday I got a bunch of paperwork crap done that needed finishing and biked 31 miles. On Sunday I took it easy, slept in, did yoga, and then went to Blossom to see the Cincinnati Pops Star Wars Spectacular, featuring Anthony Daniels telling the story of all six movies (short review - Blossom is a great place for a picnic, and wow am I glad I only had to pay student pricing). There was supposed to be a long walk with Kat before we went to Blossom, but she'd had a rough week so that didn't happen. Monday I got all my homework for the week done and biked 33 miles, including biking out to the Baycrafter's Rennaisance Fayre, a small but enthusiastic renfair where I always find one piece of really spectacular jewelry.

After biking home (tired and against an East wind that was not supposed to be blowing), I thought about the fact that over the weekend I had biked 64 miles. Voluntarily. For the fun of it. And how good it made me feel. And how much I like the bit of muscle definition I'm getting in my arms.

You see, I have this mental image of myself as unathletic, and that the only reason I was ever in any kind of shape was the fact that my ex was obsessed with physical fitness. But then I got to thinking, and I remembered that before I met J, I was running. I was actually in pretty good shape.

And I realized that, once we were together, I surrendered my power over that part of my life to him. He was the one who obsessed about these things, and I let him become a kind of neurotic Jiminy Cricket about the shape I was in. It was immature and stupid, how out of control of my own physicality I felt. Because it reinforced the bad lessons of my childhood, when my mother would tell me I was clumsy and not athletic. Even while I was staying in relatively good shape, I was doing it like a kid forced to eat her vegetables. And when we got divorced, wow was that something I totally left behind - HA! You can't force me to work out anymore! Or to eat right!

Boy, I really showed him.

The thing was, I always felt inadequate. I don't have the kind of innate athleticism he does (after a winter of not running at all he went on a 10k run and kicked the ass of a friend who had been working out for months on end). No matter what I did, I was never going to comfortably keep up with his pace. I was always playing catchup. And his attempts to be encouraging were sometimes awkward, to put it mildly.

When you're never good enough, it's hard to believe you're doing well at all.

Working out and fitness were external before, something imposed upon me. Now, I realize that it's mine. I own it, I make the decisions about what to do and how to do it.

That's a good feeling.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: also_huey
2005-09-06 10:21 am (UTC)
No matter what I did, I was never going to comfortably keep up with his pace.

My solution to this was "I run, she rides the bike". It wasn't very aerobic for her, but it was still better than just sitting on the couch. And it was time together, and we could talk. ...well, she could talk, and I could talk in between panting and wheezing. And when she got bored going so slow and went off ahead of me, I could watch her butt. All in all, I found this to be a pretty good solution.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-09-06 11:12 am (UTC)
Yeah, that sort of thing never worked, there being a level of unspoken disapproval.
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[User Picture]From: groundbyground
2005-09-06 10:59 am (UTC)
1000 miles. You know, I'm actually jealous. I've recently started on the slow trek back to fitness (as in, last week). I wish I stuck with it since back when you two began your workout routine.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-09-06 11:14 am (UTC)
You know, when we started I never would have guessed I'd get this far. Good for you, getting on it again.
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[User Picture]From: theferrett
2005-09-06 11:16 am (UTC)
Owned?

I support the P0wned. *g*
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[User Picture]From: molkovia04
2005-09-06 11:44 am (UTC)
Good for you! :)
I had a very similar experience with climbing. When I was being hounded by my ex and being forced to climb beyond my abilities I just used to get angry and scared.
Now that I'm climbing under my own speed I've pushed myself harder than I ever have...
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-09-06 12:40 pm (UTC)
Very much so. Everyone's upset, no one's having fun. I am so glad I don't have to go through that anymore.
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[User Picture]From: lacey
2005-09-06 11:49 am (UTC)
I already left this comment, but it looks like it didn't stick, so I guess i'll leave it again...

The fact that you biked almost 65 miles in such a short period of time is stupendous. Especially seeing as you did it of your own volition. Good work! You rock, of course :)
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[User Picture]From: miripanda
2005-09-06 01:06 pm (UTC)
Working out and fitness were external before, something imposed upon me. Now, I realize that it's mine. I own it, I make the decisions about what to do and how to do it.

That's a good feeling.


My freshman year roommate used to do something similar - make me feel inferior about working out so that I'd reluctantly go...but I'd push myself too hard and then be too tired to go again. Last year I started gymming twice a week, which my roommate did, but she left before me so it was "my idea." This year so far I've gone swimming every weekday morning except last thursday. And I'm better at it than my former roommate is, so it's me challenging her. And I feel all skinny.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-09-06 01:19 pm (UTC)
Go you!!! The nice thing about school is the availability of all that equipment!
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[User Picture]From: altaego
2005-09-06 02:12 pm (UTC)
When you're never good enough, it's hard to believe you're doing well at all.

Quotable.
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From: 10girrrl
2005-09-06 06:20 pm (UTC)
I relate to this so much. I only hope that eventually I will reach the point you're at now. At this point in my life, it is still about him, or other people, and not yet about me. I haven't figured out how to get there yet.
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[User Picture]From: therealmarn
2005-09-09 02:27 am (UTC)

Owning It

I am inspired and delighted by your progress and attitude. You have no idea how much I envy those Road Runners of yours over at GN :)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-09-09 09:32 am (UTC)

Re: Owning It

Oh, hey, I didn't realize you had a Live Journal!

GN has been a huge inspiration this year. What a great idea, creating a place to track mileage. There have been days when I've felt completely uninspired, but gotten myself on the NordicTrack or the bike because, well, I have to get that next ducky or bike! At the beginning of the year, 500 miles seemed almost impossible.

By the way, I do have a fitness filter that I use most of the time when writing about weightloss and exercise stuff. If you're interested I can add you.
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[User Picture]From: therealmarn
2005-09-09 06:38 pm (UTC)

Re: Owning It

Sure, add me in. I got a LJ when I got ticked at Diaryland, but I'm too lazy to move :)
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