?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Urine luck - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Urine luck [Nov. 21st, 2005|07:00 am]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |nervousskeeved]

It hit me last night: for the first time in my entire life, I am living in a household where males outnumber females. This terrible imbalance is soon to be ended, thank heavens.

Why terrible, you ask? Well, let me explain what it was that drew this fact to my attention: the hazy, slightly yellowed floor around the toilet. May I state, for the record, yuck.

It's not a matter of puddles; it's a matter of the minute spray created by peeing from a distance into standing water. Which brings me to the question of the day: why the hell do men have to pee standing up?

My dad was 6'4" tall, and he had been brought up to pee sitting down when he had to use a toilet instead of a urinal. He brought my brother up the same way, which is good because at 6'7" the sheer speed at which his urine would hit the water would guarantee splashing. My grandad, 6'6", also peed sitting to avoid making a mess.

They seem to be the only men I know who made this concession to sanitary maintenance.

Now, certainly I understand that it is more convenient to take a whiz from a standing position. You just unzip and flip Mr. Johnson out to do his thing. This is a tremendous boon if you are out-of-doors, particularly in mosquito country - the only time I ever suffered penis envy was while spraying Cutter's on my ass before squatting in the woods. But at home, where you are in no danger from blood-sucking insects or forced to bare your ass before strangers, why can't you sit that ass down, aim Mr. Johnson at the bowl, and accomplish your mission without the joy of aerosoling your bodily fluids into the bathroom atmosphere? Nevermind the dangers of poor aim, about which I will not begin to speak.

I love you, guys. But you're kinda gross.
LinkReply

Comments:
Page 1 of 2
<<[1] [2] >>
[User Picture]From: darthfox
2005-11-21 12:23 pm (UTC)
[tries to imagine the triumphant crow in your voice when you thought of that subject line][then kills all puns dead, dead, DEAD forever and ever]
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: da_wench
2005-11-21 12:42 pm (UTC)
I've often wondered why people would install a bidet in their home & not a urinal. Next bath remodel I'm gonna get me a urinal.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 12:57 pm (UTC)
I'm terribly amused (not) to find that lj is delivering about one in three comments to email.

Bidets baffle me. Why would I want that part of my body to be even wetter?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: roniliquidity
2005-11-21 12:46 pm (UTC)
I make them clean it. I lived with a guy who wass 6'6" and I suspect had bad aim because the toilet got a halo. I told him he was in charge of cleaning the bathroom because I sure as hell didn't pee on the floor.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: greybeta
2005-11-21 12:49 pm (UTC)
I was taught to do the same thing your dad and grandpa does. I think my mother insisted.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 12:54 pm (UTC)
Good for you!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: phinnia
2005-11-21 12:55 pm (UTC)
You can add another one to your list: my husband sits down. No puddles here. :-) We're raising the kid to do the same thing.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 12:59 pm (UTC)
Good to hear I was not raised around complete anomalies!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: ohhjuliet
2005-11-21 01:01 pm (UTC)
I just snorted coffee out my nose...
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 01:02 pm (UTC)
My work here is done.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: trianakvetch
2005-11-21 01:09 pm (UTC)
My boyfriend is 6'4" and he'll pee sitting down every now and then....
(Reply) (Thread)
From: (Anonymous)
2005-11-21 01:19 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, I almost always pee sitting down, at least at home. I just find it more comfortable.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: autographedcat
2005-11-21 01:23 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, I almost always pee sitting down, at least at home. I just find it more comfortable.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: kalieris
2005-11-21 01:27 pm (UTC)
I have a twelve year old boy - even at 5'0", he manages to mark his territory in a foot-wide circumference around the toilet. I've taken to swiping the floor around the toilet with my washcloth every morning, just to try and stay one step ahead of the One Ring To Squick Them All(tm).

Also: Best. Icon. Evar.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: wilfulcait
2005-11-21 01:34 pm (UTC)
You should teach him to wipe around the toilet. Some future mate or housemate will love you for it.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand
[User Picture]From: shugenja
2005-11-21 01:36 pm (UTC)
My son learned to pee sitting simply because I had to potty train him and there was no way for me to demonstrate the standing position. (Well, I've heard it can be done. But I've no interest at all in figuring it out.) He unlearned that at some point after he started school, but didn't learn to hold and aim. We had several uncomfortable discussions on the topic a few years back.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 02:06 pm (UTC)
The gods gave me girls because they knew that I was not equipped for such things. My "uncomfortable conversations" would have started with, "I will beat you if..."
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
From: ex_leopardp
2005-11-21 01:51 pm (UTC)
I have four males in my house. They range from 5'9" to 6'4".They ALL leave halos. They all sprinkle. I've fought hard to teach my sons to sit when they pee and when theywere small, they did. Now, they won't and I am forever mopping up *bleh* puddles.

I told them next time I'm rubbing their noses in it and swatting them with a damned newspaper.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 02:07 pm (UTC)
You have all my sympathies. Go for it.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: ziggy_prime
2005-11-21 02:07 pm (UTC)

On the other, ahem, hand

The patent for the flush toilet specifies that it is to be used by male and female alike in a sitting position.

That having been said, I have an ongoing battle with my parents about this issue. I even began sitting down to do my business, and I can tell you confidently that there is one big reason why many men would object to stuffing their meat and two bits down a hold to relieve themselves. Depending on the toilet and the man, there is a good chance that the tip of the aforementioned meat will come in contact either with the edge of the bowl, or possible even the water itself. Now, this is not true for more modern toilets, but in many cases, the toilets themselves may be older than the man.

Just remember that, unlike women, our urinary tract extends out from the body by, on average, about five and a half inches. A cold shock to the end of that device, while not as messy as sitting down on a toilet which has its seat up for a woman, is still very unpleasant.

We all have to deal with annoyances from the other sex. I would go into some, but the fear of being labeled a misogynist will keep my mouth shut.

And, once final note to ponder, stand up urinals do not prevent splatter. It just redirects it onto the man a bit more than the floor. The velocity of urine does not increase significantly by distance, as it leaves the male body already traveling at a fair clip.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 02:12 pm (UTC)

Re: On the other, ahem, hand

These things being taken into consideration, I still think sitting at home - and cleaning up after yourself if you don't - should be required. Of both sexes.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: momlady
2005-11-21 02:11 pm (UTC)
Oh, how I can relate to this. However, I'm not so lucky as to have a tile floor making it easier to clean up. HIS bathroom is carpeted, and after cleaning it the first few times after I moved in, I realized that the "dampness" wasn't a sweating toilet after all. And the smell??? Whew! Ever since, everytime I clean, I spray either Lysol or Febreze (sp?). It smells much better now. In the morning, though, while I'm sleeping, he'll use MY bathroom. No carpeting, and thankfully, not as messy! I've always wondered the same thing--why can't they sit to pee? I guess maybe they think it's a "girl thing"...lol
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 02:14 pm (UTC)
Carpeted bathrooms should be outlawed - they are utterly unsanitary!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: theferrett
2005-11-21 02:48 pm (UTC)
Because it's more trouble. Not only do you have to sit down, but you also have to physically angle Little Elvis down to point into the bowl, since the action of the urine flowing through automatically brings LE upwards, like a hose with the water turned on "full." If you don't pay attention, what can happen is that LE pokes his head over the edge of the bowl and begins singing his song of golden love all over the floor. Plus, there's a lot greater chance of accidentally touching LE to the bowl, and how would you feel about going in public when there was a chance your genitals would be directly contacting the germs on the toilet?

(Don't answer. I know what women do to avoid germs on their ass alone, and it's more disgusting than anything men do.)

Whereas standing up usually means that you just have to aim it downwards, and then it's kinda fun. You don't get to target shoot two or three times a day; we do.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 03:04 pm (UTC)
I don't care so much whether you do this in public bathrooms. It's the mess at home that most concerns me. What happens in the men's room stays in the men's room.

I know I have no hope of converting you. But I reserve the right to whine about it.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: laplor
2005-11-21 03:01 pm (UTC)

My mother-in-law is fabulous

My men kneel in front of the toilet thus avoiding spray as well as any chance of this not work-safe disaster: http://catmydog.keenspace.com/d/20050915.html.
They also lower both seat and lid, every time.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: quillismightier
2005-11-21 03:27 pm (UTC)
My husband, apparently in the minorty, pees sitting down. I am ever so thankful after having to clean up after my ex, my roommate's ex, and when I was at home - my father. *shudder*
(Reply) (Thread)
From: (Anonymous)
2005-11-21 03:28 pm (UTC)
I was never taught to pee sitting down, but when I was young I realized that it's just easier/safer - no aim required, and the differing pressure at beginning/end isn't a risk. Apparently the mother of one of my friends commented to my mom how nice it was that I never made a mess in the bathroom. (That family had 5 kids, so they presumably had a good deal of experience with messes?)

Oddly, I find that I always want to avoid people knowing that I sit down, as I feel that it's 'un-masculine.' (Hell, I'm even posting anonymously.)

I always sit when I'm using a private bathroom (e.g. my or friends' home), though I still refuse to sit at public restrooms, even those without urinals.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 03:47 pm (UTC)
We need a better term than "come out of the closet" for this. Come out of the stall? Seriously, though, I think it's great that you avoid messes. And I don't blame you for standing at public toilets.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: moocowrich
2005-11-21 03:42 pm (UTC)
Oh man. I never realized what a huge mess guys make of their bathroom until this semeseter when I became the RA of an all-male floor. Holy crap. I hardly want to enter the bathroom, let alone sit on one of the toilets. 22 guys + 3 toilets = disaster.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 03:46 pm (UTC)
I feel for you. Ick!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: oneil1973
2005-11-21 03:43 pm (UTC)

ew

Even I refuse to sit on a strange toilet, but at home, I see no reason for a man to not clean up after himself each time if he oversprays. I understand that tucking your personal parts into the toilet may seem unsanitary, but how sanitary is peeing all over the floor?

I think carpeted bathrooms are really gross. They trap all the bacteria and moisture in the rug and become a breeding ground. EW!

I can't see somebody kneeling on the bathroom floor to pee, although in my drinking days I would spend time kneeling in front of the toilet to stick my face in there. How sanitary was that?

I'm so happy sometimes that I don't live with any men.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 03:47 pm (UTC)

Re: ew

One was okay, but three is kind of brutal.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lyahdan
2005-11-21 03:48 pm (UTC)
I've always wondered that myself.

In addition to the spray halo (which doesn't usually get too bad before being cleaned up by my partner), the base of the toilet has become a favorite spot for one of our cats to mark. It already smells like pee, so she figures its a fine spot. Ugh.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: mizdandylynn
2005-11-21 04:23 pm (UTC)
My hubs sits to do his thing... he always has.. and h e is only 5'6"... but still ....

The nice thing is that my hubs cleans the bathroom floor as well.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 04:49 pm (UTC)
Your hubby is good folk.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: abigail_42
2005-11-21 04:48 pm (UTC)
I can really appreciate all the "Yuk it's gross" comments - but germs? Urine is sterile unless someone has a urine infection which is not common - so it's gross, but not unhealthy.
If it really is a bugbear then get them to clean the bathroom.
My son sits down to pee - but only because he is too lazy to stand up!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 04:51 pm (UTC)
But does it stay sterile, once it is hosed all over the bathroom?

And the gross factor is enough, TYVM!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
From: ethangilchrist
2005-11-21 04:53 pm (UTC)
Hmmm... Never thought of it that way. I'll have to remember that now that I've got a home of my own. (Moved out of NYC and wound up in GA.)
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: culculhen
2005-11-21 06:00 pm (UTC)
Toilets aren't designed for it. while I usually sit down it just isn't that comfortable, you usually wind up touching the backside of the toilet with, well... your own backside. or touching the rim with your freed willy. Both are not hygienic either. If you stand up, you avoid it. Sure it is selfish, and gross for everybody else. But it just isn't your problem anymore. And for enough man that's enough.


There actually was a design duo that made a better version of the common flush toilet, eliminating all those problems (and a few to spare, they flushed it trough the seat, eliminating the unsanitary rim and forcing men to always put the seat down. calculated for the least amount of splattering, etc.) but it didn't get produced. I never could understand why, I mean talking about the one thing more important then a better mouse trap...
(Reply) (Thread)
Page 1 of 2
<<[1] [2] >>