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Urine luck - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Urine luck [Nov. 21st, 2005|07:00 am]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |nervousskeeved]

It hit me last night: for the first time in my entire life, I am living in a household where males outnumber females. This terrible imbalance is soon to be ended, thank heavens.

Why terrible, you ask? Well, let me explain what it was that drew this fact to my attention: the hazy, slightly yellowed floor around the toilet. May I state, for the record, yuck.

It's not a matter of puddles; it's a matter of the minute spray created by peeing from a distance into standing water. Which brings me to the question of the day: why the hell do men have to pee standing up?

My dad was 6'4" tall, and he had been brought up to pee sitting down when he had to use a toilet instead of a urinal. He brought my brother up the same way, which is good because at 6'7" the sheer speed at which his urine would hit the water would guarantee splashing. My grandad, 6'6", also peed sitting to avoid making a mess.

They seem to be the only men I know who made this concession to sanitary maintenance.

Now, certainly I understand that it is more convenient to take a whiz from a standing position. You just unzip and flip Mr. Johnson out to do his thing. This is a tremendous boon if you are out-of-doors, particularly in mosquito country - the only time I ever suffered penis envy was while spraying Cutter's on my ass before squatting in the woods. But at home, where you are in no danger from blood-sucking insects or forced to bare your ass before strangers, why can't you sit that ass down, aim Mr. Johnson at the bowl, and accomplish your mission without the joy of aerosoling your bodily fluids into the bathroom atmosphere? Nevermind the dangers of poor aim, about which I will not begin to speak.

I love you, guys. But you're kinda gross.
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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: darthfox
2005-11-21 12:23 pm (UTC)
[tries to imagine the triumphant crow in your voice when you thought of that subject line][then kills all puns dead, dead, DEAD forever and ever]
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[User Picture]From: da_wench
2005-11-21 12:42 pm (UTC)
I've often wondered why people would install a bidet in their home & not a urinal. Next bath remodel I'm gonna get me a urinal.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 12:57 pm (UTC)
I'm terribly amused (not) to find that lj is delivering about one in three comments to email.

Bidets baffle me. Why would I want that part of my body to be even wetter?
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[User Picture]From: roniliquidity
2005-11-21 12:46 pm (UTC)
I make them clean it. I lived with a guy who wass 6'6" and I suspect had bad aim because the toilet got a halo. I told him he was in charge of cleaning the bathroom because I sure as hell didn't pee on the floor.
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[User Picture]From: greybeta
2005-11-21 12:49 pm (UTC)
I was taught to do the same thing your dad and grandpa does. I think my mother insisted.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 12:54 pm (UTC)
Good for you!
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[User Picture]From: phinnia
2005-11-21 12:55 pm (UTC)
You can add another one to your list: my husband sits down. No puddles here. :-) We're raising the kid to do the same thing.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 12:59 pm (UTC)
Good to hear I was not raised around complete anomalies!
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[User Picture]From: ohhjuliet
2005-11-21 01:01 pm (UTC)
I just snorted coffee out my nose...
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 01:02 pm (UTC)
My work here is done.
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[User Picture]From: trianakvetch
2005-11-21 01:09 pm (UTC)
My boyfriend is 6'4" and he'll pee sitting down every now and then....
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From: (Anonymous)
2005-11-21 01:19 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, I almost always pee sitting down, at least at home. I just find it more comfortable.
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[User Picture]From: autographedcat
2005-11-21 01:23 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, I almost always pee sitting down, at least at home. I just find it more comfortable.
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[User Picture]From: kalieris
2005-11-21 01:27 pm (UTC)
I have a twelve year old boy - even at 5'0", he manages to mark his territory in a foot-wide circumference around the toilet. I've taken to swiping the floor around the toilet with my washcloth every morning, just to try and stay one step ahead of the One Ring To Squick Them All(tm).

Also: Best. Icon. Evar.
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[User Picture]From: wilfulcait
2005-11-21 01:34 pm (UTC)
You should teach him to wipe around the toilet. Some future mate or housemate will love you for it.
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(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand
[User Picture]From: shugenja
2005-11-21 01:36 pm (UTC)
My son learned to pee sitting simply because I had to potty train him and there was no way for me to demonstrate the standing position. (Well, I've heard it can be done. But I've no interest at all in figuring it out.) He unlearned that at some point after he started school, but didn't learn to hold and aim. We had several uncomfortable discussions on the topic a few years back.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 02:06 pm (UTC)
The gods gave me girls because they knew that I was not equipped for such things. My "uncomfortable conversations" would have started with, "I will beat you if..."
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From: ex_leopardp
2005-11-21 01:51 pm (UTC)
I have four males in my house. They range from 5'9" to 6'4".They ALL leave halos. They all sprinkle. I've fought hard to teach my sons to sit when they pee and when theywere small, they did. Now, they won't and I am forever mopping up *bleh* puddles.

I told them next time I'm rubbing their noses in it and swatting them with a damned newspaper.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 02:07 pm (UTC)
You have all my sympathies. Go for it.
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[User Picture]From: ziggy_prime
2005-11-21 02:07 pm (UTC)

On the other, ahem, hand

The patent for the flush toilet specifies that it is to be used by male and female alike in a sitting position.

That having been said, I have an ongoing battle with my parents about this issue. I even began sitting down to do my business, and I can tell you confidently that there is one big reason why many men would object to stuffing their meat and two bits down a hold to relieve themselves. Depending on the toilet and the man, there is a good chance that the tip of the aforementioned meat will come in contact either with the edge of the bowl, or possible even the water itself. Now, this is not true for more modern toilets, but in many cases, the toilets themselves may be older than the man.

Just remember that, unlike women, our urinary tract extends out from the body by, on average, about five and a half inches. A cold shock to the end of that device, while not as messy as sitting down on a toilet which has its seat up for a woman, is still very unpleasant.

We all have to deal with annoyances from the other sex. I would go into some, but the fear of being labeled a misogynist will keep my mouth shut.

And, once final note to ponder, stand up urinals do not prevent splatter. It just redirects it onto the man a bit more than the floor. The velocity of urine does not increase significantly by distance, as it leaves the male body already traveling at a fair clip.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 02:12 pm (UTC)

Re: On the other, ahem, hand

These things being taken into consideration, I still think sitting at home - and cleaning up after yourself if you don't - should be required. Of both sexes.
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[User Picture]From: momlady
2005-11-21 02:11 pm (UTC)
Oh, how I can relate to this. However, I'm not so lucky as to have a tile floor making it easier to clean up. HIS bathroom is carpeted, and after cleaning it the first few times after I moved in, I realized that the "dampness" wasn't a sweating toilet after all. And the smell??? Whew! Ever since, everytime I clean, I spray either Lysol or Febreze (sp?). It smells much better now. In the morning, though, while I'm sleeping, he'll use MY bathroom. No carpeting, and thankfully, not as messy! I've always wondered the same thing--why can't they sit to pee? I guess maybe they think it's a "girl thing"...lol
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 02:14 pm (UTC)
Carpeted bathrooms should be outlawed - they are utterly unsanitary!
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[User Picture]From: theferrett
2005-11-21 02:48 pm (UTC)
Because it's more trouble. Not only do you have to sit down, but you also have to physically angle Little Elvis down to point into the bowl, since the action of the urine flowing through automatically brings LE upwards, like a hose with the water turned on "full." If you don't pay attention, what can happen is that LE pokes his head over the edge of the bowl and begins singing his song of golden love all over the floor. Plus, there's a lot greater chance of accidentally touching LE to the bowl, and how would you feel about going in public when there was a chance your genitals would be directly contacting the germs on the toilet?

(Don't answer. I know what women do to avoid germs on their ass alone, and it's more disgusting than anything men do.)

Whereas standing up usually means that you just have to aim it downwards, and then it's kinda fun. You don't get to target shoot two or three times a day; we do.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2005-11-21 03:04 pm (UTC)
I don't care so much whether you do this in public bathrooms. It's the mess at home that most concerns me. What happens in the men's room stays in the men's room.

I know I have no hope of converting you. But I reserve the right to whine about it.
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