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Here's the wind-up, here's the pitch.... - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Here's the wind-up, here's the pitch.... [Feb. 20th, 2006|11:21 pm]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |angrydesperate]

It's a fit!

Okay, so I've spent three days at home, sick. They are also three days with Amy. So this should be a perfectly justifiable time of sitting on my ass doing nothing. I feel like crap, my brain doesn't work, I'm spending time with my kid.

But Jiminy-fucking-Cricket is sitting on my shoulder, frantically beating on my ear: You know you have research to do! You shouldn't just be sitting around with your kid! You will never finish this semester!!!

Except I should just be sitting around with my kid. The Bar is totally messing up my summer time with her, cutting it by several weeks. She needs my attention, even if it's just both of us sitting on the couch, being sick together (yes, she's sick, too) but being in close proximity. And yet the schoolwork looms.

I know, intellectually, that this is a short-time problem, that a year from now I will look back at this entry and breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that it's all in the past. I know that perspective is not that far in the future - hell, that's part of the reason I'm writing this: so I don't forget how dreadful it was. But right now it looks bleak. From the trenches all I see are incoming, all I hear is the whistle and thud of bombs. Knowing that in a year I will be enjoying my war stories isn't much help.

Ferrett is gone this week, as he is one week every February, back to see his folks and celebrate his godson's birthday. I miss him, but I find that my life fantasies are reduced to the President's Day Weekend that he is gone and I can spend the entire weekend indulging in comfort-viewing movies with not one pang of waiting-homework-induced remorse.

Mile 20 and the marathon runner hits The Wall. I know that I am not alone, that the fellow students in my graduating class are suffering as well. But while misery may love company, like Tolstoy's unhappy families, we are each of us unique - and solitary - in our suffering.

And it gives me no comfort whatsoever.

Moral, kiddies? Stay in school and get it fucking over with while you're young. It's too damned hard when you're pushin' 50.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: dreagoddess
2006-02-21 04:59 am (UTC)
*hugs* This too shall pass. But it sucks royally in the meantime. You WILL get through this!
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[User Picture]From: calamity
2006-02-21 05:05 am (UTC)
Thanks for moral. I just got my BA and am looking at grad school. I am almost 30, but I don't have a hubby or kids.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-02-21 05:06 am (UTC)
Do it! Do it now!!!!
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[User Picture]From: greybeta
2006-02-21 05:50 am (UTC)
Some days, I don't feel like studying. But now I will think of you, and I will be motivated to study. ^_^
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[User Picture]From: ba1126
2006-02-21 10:34 am (UTC)
I think you need to set a schedule for yourself. I had an "over-acheiver" , perfectionist daughter who used to be unable to rest or ease up unless everything was DONE. We worked to help her see that if, for example , she had a 10 page paper due in two weeks, she could do a page a day and still finish in plenty of time.

While I know your situation is much more complicated, I think planning out your work AND your down time, would be helpful. Like my daughter learned, I think you will find that the work time will be more productive and the down time more relaxing, if you know that it WILL all get done.

She also learned, on her own, that not every assignment had to be sterling gold. There were times she would just have to accept that a paper she turned in would of necessity (three major papers being due in the same week) not be the polished piece she would like.

Meanwhile, maybe you and Amy could do some part of homework together? Have her proofread? Test you on some learning area? Look up references and bookmark them for you? This way you could combine the pain and the pleasure?

I hope some part of this helps. Enjoy the time with Amy as much as you can. Soon enough, as I know with my own daughters, they will be busy with their own lives and will be even less able to visit and talk.
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[User Picture]From: jfargo
2006-02-21 11:27 am (UTC)
I'll keep that moral in mind, thanks. :)

Good luck getting over the suffering and getting stuff done.
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[User Picture]From: da_wench
2006-02-21 12:43 pm (UTC)
I didn't get my AA until I was 48 & that took me 6 yrs due to being married, trying to raise 2 kids & working part time. I miss school like crazy & I'm very tempted to go back & get my BA then go on to graduate school. Only 2 things holding me back is the idea that I'll be pushing 60 by time I'm done and the lack of funds for tuition. I'm going to be 60 anyway, God willing, so I may as well be 60 with the degree, right? Now if only I could find someone to foot the tuition bill! RATS!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-02-21 12:59 pm (UTC)
Working fulltime and taking 12 or 13 credit hours of classes each semester has just burned me out. I enjoyed parts of this, but I'm tired at this point. 4 years is enough.
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[User Picture]From: chaosdancer
2006-02-21 01:03 pm (UTC)
Could you consider a place like Berea College? It's free to those who make under a certain amount...don't know if you qualify, but it's worth checking out!
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[User Picture]From: nuala
2006-02-21 01:00 pm (UTC)
Moral, kiddies? Stay in school and get it fucking over with while you're young. It's too damned hard when you're pushin' 50.

Hahaha! Mid 30s isn't easy either, but I also don't have kids + full time job.

Hang in there, spend healing time with Amy, and both of you get better soon!
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[User Picture]From: suzieboz
2006-02-21 02:18 pm (UTC)

get it fucking over with while you're young

You're NOT old!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-02-21 02:23 pm (UTC)

Re: get it fucking over with while you're young

I'm no spring chicken, either. Being sick makes me feel very vulnerable and frail.
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[User Picture]From: suzieboz
2006-02-21 02:24 pm (UTC)

Re: get it fucking over with while you're young

At least you weren't just told that you are "advanced maternal age"!!

I was like HUH?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-02-21 03:44 pm (UTC)

Re: get it fucking over with while you're young

Yes, but this is only because I'm not having babies. At my age they'd call you nucking futs!
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[User Picture]From: suzieboz
2006-02-21 03:45 pm (UTC)

Re: get it fucking over with while you're young

You're young compared to that nut in California. Can you imagine having a baby at 62??????????????
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-02-21 06:00 pm (UTC)

Re: get it fucking over with while you're young

Incredibly selfish, IMHO. If the mother manages to make it to graduation, she'll be 80. Why would you do that to your kid?!
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[User Picture]From: elfwench
2006-02-21 03:09 pm (UTC)
{{huggles}} You're one amazing woman, so I know you will make it. I'm sorry this is a rough week for you.
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[User Picture]From: cosmicbandit
2006-02-21 09:11 pm (UTC)
It's awfully damn hard when you're 37 with two young kids in the house too.

We will persist. :)
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[User Picture]From: ba1126
2006-02-23 12:10 pm (UTC)
I started back at 41, with two toddlers, and 8 mo. pregnant with THE LAST baby. Thankfully, I had a 100% supportive husband and four older kids who pitched in. In fact, the two who were in college had Xmas breaks (one mostly in Dec., one mostly in Jan.) and they helped me get back on my feet by sharing the considerable house/baby care, while I read assignments during nursing!
If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way!
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