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Freedom - Day Two - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Freedom - Day Two [Jul. 29th, 2006|02:25 pm]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

1. Slept until noon.

2. Been screwing around on the computer ever since.

3. Going to Blossom for the John Williams concert tonight. Bringing food for the picnic.

4. Oh, laundry. Doing that.

I am shockingly unenergetic. Spent yesterday mostly being morose and accomplishing nothing. We did go out with Kat and Eric last night, who picked up dinner, and then watched Serenity at their house. I've been up until after 2am both nights.

Haven't even gone into my garden (the fact that it's 90 degrees out there isn't providing any encouragement). Haven't read much, haven't accomplished a thing. Stayed up after my "Yay" party on Thursday night listening to music and being morose.

Honestly? I'm not enjoying it. But there is this weird need to flense the last of my former identity before leaving for Europe. I am embarking on being a new person. No longer Gini the Amazing Fulltime Employee and Law Student. Soon just Gini the Working Woman. Law school has basically been a huge chunk of my identity since I divorced from Hubby Number One and my identity as Homeschooling Mom, Gini the Quilter. Yeah, there was a year of Getting Worthless Business Degree, which was entangled with Marrying Second Hubby, all of which kind of blurred together in simple survival mode. Then we decided to take a chance on Cleveland, and with it came getting ready for law school. From the time I made that decision, even though it was a year from that, through the LSATs and applications, it was a huge part of Who I Was Going To Be, even before classes started. That's, really 5 years and change of my life.

Now, I get to be someone else.

Oh, parts of me are bedrock: Gini the Wife; Gini the Mom; Gini the Paralegal/Eventually-Lawyer. A couple more are default: Gini the Gardener; Gini the Friend; Gini the Geek; Gini the Pagan; Gini the Exerciser. I want to pick back up some from the past: Gini the Quilter/Crafter; Gini the Good Cook. But all of that leaves a hole still to be filled, or maybe just a lot of options within those identities. Gini the Community Active is definitely one place I want to go.

Maybe it's not a fear that I don't really exist. Maybe it's being overwhelmed by too many choices.

Whatever the source, I am glad for our impending trip. Getting away from it all should complete my deconstruction. I will be ready to be myself, whoever she is.

Ferrett, of course, suggests Gini the Fellatrix. He's even willing to throw himself on that grenade. Brave boy.
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Comments:
From: jennasuze
2006-07-29 07:02 pm (UTC)
Maybe this is a dumb cliche', but what bout Gini the Gini? I mean..yes, to some degree, you are what you do. But you're still you, doing whatever you do at that moment. Just a thought I had.

But if that doesn't work, y'know, Gini the Fellatrix could be fun. ;)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-29 07:22 pm (UTC)
Terrifyingly directionless. I could spend the next two decades just going to work, paying my bills, watching TV like a zombie every evening. It's more painful, but I'd rather live the contemplated life than the life I've watched much of my family lead.
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[User Picture]From: astridsdream
2006-07-29 07:05 pm (UTC)
So this whole identity-crisis-at-life-changing-events thing doesn't fade over time. Right then. I'll stop expecting to get used to it and focus on learning ways of maneuvering past it.

Have fun in Europe!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-29 07:17 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it hit me pretty damned hard this time. 48 years old and still can't figure out who I wanna be when I grow up.

Or, I'm full of shit. Always a real possibility!
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[User Picture]From: trianakvetch
2006-07-29 07:07 pm (UTC)
I've said this before, but I have to say it again: I admire you so much. At 23 I freak out because I feel I haven't accomplished much. Hell, even at 29 my boyfriend is depressed at his lack of accomplishments. We feel that time is rancing and that pretty soon it will be too late.

You're a role model for the antithesis to that thought. It's never to late to reach for goals, wether personal or professional. It's never to late to keep on living.

Thank you for letting us share a little bit of your life and learn by example. You are truly an awesome person.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-29 07:23 pm (UTC)
Just remember: half-baked simply means "not done yet"! Chase your dreams! Hell, dream up dreams to chase!
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From: ceilidh71
2006-07-29 07:40 pm (UTC)
I'm de-lurking to say you ROCK and I'm inspired by you and your strength! I was accepted to but did not go to law school after grad school, and I regret it to this day. HOWEVER, the many people I've been since then amazes even me. I will be 35 in 30 days, and I can totally relate to your sense of many-people-ness. I saw a book in some MegaBookStore yesterday - The "10 Women you'll be before you're 35" or some such. I didn't get it or read through it much, but the feeling of many-people-ness seems to be pretty universal among Thinking Women.

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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-29 07:54 pm (UTC)
I regret that I didn't do this decades ago, but the fact is that I did do it. I will have to find that book, because it's true. We go through many selves in a fulfilled lifetime.
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[User Picture]From: ba1126
2006-07-29 07:45 pm (UTC)
It would be pretty sad if all you were ever going to be was accomplished at 25 or 45 or even 60. We (hopefully) all continue to grow and change and take on new roles. I'm learning how to be a mother-in-law and Grandma, which is a whole new set of skills.

I'm sure it will take a little time to find, define and adjust to your new identity, but I am just as sure that you will bring to it all your previous drive and dedication and will be an awesome example to your daughters!

Meanwhile, cut yourself some slack for being exhausted and listless- you've been through an exhaustive physical and emotional wringer and will need time to recoup. Enjoy your trip and come back renewed!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-29 07:55 pm (UTC)
Thanks, dear. You are a wonderful Mom, even to people who aren't your kids!
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[User Picture]From: suzieboz
2006-07-29 10:38 pm (UTC)
I was telling my friend Jess about you the other day and graduating, etc and all you've accomplished. We think that you should be like Kay Scarpetta (from Patricia Cornwell's books):

Now that you have your law degree you should go to med school and then become involved in forensics, etc. Maybe become the State Medical Examiner of Ohio. Work for the FBI, you know something that!

Just food for thought.

(dodging smack)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-30 03:57 am (UTC)
I got no mind for science, so it's definitely out. But there is always the advantage of being in school puts student loans on hold, so if I did enough I could probably run up half a mil in student debt and then drop dead without paying off any of it!
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[User Picture]From: ithildae
2006-07-29 10:59 pm (UTC)
Part of the way you feel is because you spent the last five years working toward... Yesterday. The major goal in your life is finished (likely for good!) So the question is, Who do you want to be?

It is probably less useful to define yourself by labels. They can all fit, yet none of them define you. What do you want to learn? What traits do you want to develop? (Not talents or skills, traits.) Who do you want to be? Focus on traits that will help in many of those silly labels.

Just try to find joy in your life, and like who you are. You can make plans through that, but being the best person you can be is a lifetime goal. Set it up so that people like you because of who you are, not because of what you do. (what you do is just a reflection of your goals and priorities.)

But first of all, take some time off to let your brain congeal! Learn something new in wonderful ways. It may take several weeks to fully recharge, give it time.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-30 04:02 am (UTC)
I am not good at being patient with myself. I know I should just lay back and be brain dead for a while, that it's no sin to be a zombie for the time being, but I'm not good at giving myself permission to do so.

Hence, the angst.

But you make some very good points, and I will try and be kind to myself and allow the next phase of me to grow.
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[User Picture]From: mistapotta
2006-07-30 01:25 am (UTC)
Ferrett, of course, suggests Gini the Fellatrix. He's even willing to throw himself on that grenade. Brave boy.


As long as he stays the cunning linguist, I'd say indulge him :)
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[User Picture]From: technomom
2006-07-30 03:50 am (UTC)
Somehow, I'd missed the Gini the Homeschooling Mom. Cool. And good luck as you clear all the past roles and find your new self :-)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-30 04:07 am (UTC)
That was before LJ, so I haven't talked that much about it. I'll find the new me, and it's nice having friends to talk to about it.
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From: (Anonymous)
2006-07-30 03:21 pm (UTC)
"Ferrett, of course, suggests Gini the Fellatrix. He's even willing to throw himself on that grenade. Brave boy."

Yeah. He's a big damn hero, that one.

-1em
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-07-30 04:27 pm (UTC)
Yup. Always willing to put himself out for others.
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[User Picture]From: call_me_harmony
2006-07-31 11:14 am (UTC)
I think these change of identity periods are always unsettling. I'm sure however you come out the other side Gini the ................ wil be just as passionate, and interesting to know as all the other Gini's. Good luck.

Oh and by the way I hope you have a good trip.
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[User Picture]From: miripanda
2006-07-31 02:11 pm (UTC)
Reinvention, though scary, is exciting, especially when you know that's what you need to be doing. But hey, anytime we pass a milestone we can't help but look back, and the eagerness to move forward can get obscured by the sense of loss at the road just travelled...

But hey. You're in Europe. Acting out the Da Vinci Code :P Have a great trip!
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