Maybe this is a dumb cliche', but what bout Gini the Gini? I mean..yes, to some degree, you are what you do. But you're still you, doing whatever you do at that moment. Just a thought I had.
But if that doesn't work, y'know, Gini the Fellatrix could be fun. ;)
Terrifyingly directionless. I could spend the next two decades just going to work, paying my bills, watching TV like a zombie every evening. It's more painful, but I'd rather live the contemplated life than the life I've watched much of my family lead.
Well, I can't argue that in the least. :)
Hey, I'm impressed I had a response! ;-)
Seriously, though, there is a balance between striving and Zen. I need to seek it.
Yeah, me too. I certainly didn't mean to suggest just Zenning out and not trying to be anything! More that, for me, I tend to get scared that if I don't do X anymore, I'm not me anymore. And I think I am still me, just doing a different thing, striving for a different thing. That's what I intended to say, anyway. :)
Coming from a long line of TV-in-every-room-do-nothing people, I am overly tetchy about letting life drift by while I get old. Leads to these crises of identities, but worth it in the long run. Sorry if I sounded overly defensive!
Nah, you didn't. And I admire the hell out of you, in case you weren't aware. :)
So this whole identity-crisis-at-life-changing-events thing doesn't fade over time. Right then. I'll stop expecting to get used to it and focus on learning ways of maneuvering past it.
Have fun in Europe!
Yeah, it hit me pretty damned hard this time. 48 years old and still can't figure out who I wanna be when I grow up.
Or, I'm full of shit. Always a real possibility!
Same age, same problem. Maybe some of us don't "grow up" at all, we just keep changing and being new people.
More interesting that way, IMHO, but rather emotionally difficult.
See you in a few days! Squee!!!!!
See you in a few days! Squee!!!!!
Haha, I know! I am beyond excited, I LOVE showing people around Brighton. And Lewes...OMG bonobo_theory
said it was like being in an RPG, because it's all so tiny and old. He was blown away. And YAY, we can easily go there!
Also...Don't eat "Bangers and Mash" in London, as I totally have that covered! And despite my crappy home, I've got y'all "guest towels" and shit, like I was a proper hostess or something. Hahaha! It's going to be a blast.
Bangers and mash - check! I figure we will concentrate on curry - the food that Brits adopted to get away from their own dismal cuisine!
In all seriousness, I am totally looking forward to seeing you, Brighton, and 5,000 British Queens!
Okay, maybe not all seriousness....
Again, with the ;-).
And at 23, I feel less bad that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Hell, my friend and I were just discussing how weird it is that we're grown-ups now. When the hell did that happen, eh?
What you said in a different thread about not wanting to coast through life resonates with me. It would be so easy to turn off the brain and just "get by"... wait, no it wouldn't. I'd feel a lot worse about myself if I did that. And, apparently, so would you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's good to know that it's okay to not know everything about everything all at once. I don't have a lot of adult role-models to talk to about that stuff, so thank you for sharing not only your triumphs but your uncertainties as well.
And there's no way you can be posting bullshit now. You expended all of that on your bar exam, didn't you? :-)
LOL! Yes, my bullshit allowance for July has been exhausted!
I could not have written this post yesterday, when I felt at my absolute worst. It takes a bit of recovery from the bottom of the well to even admit there is a well. But, yeah. The danger of just getting by is finding that you have no idea who you are when you hit 45. I think it's where all those mid-life crises come from.
Far more interesting to keep reinventing yourself!
I've said this before, but I have to say it again: I admire you so much. At 23 I freak out because I feel I haven't accomplished much. Hell, even at 29 my boyfriend is depressed at his lack of accomplishments. We feel that time is rancing and that pretty soon it will be too late.
You're a role model for the antithesis to that thought. It's never to late to reach for goals, wether personal or professional. It's never to late to keep on living.
Thank you for letting us share a little bit of your life and learn by example. You are truly an awesome person.
Just remember: half-baked simply means "not done yet"! Chase your dreams! Hell, dream up dreams to chase!
I'm de-lurking to say you ROCK and I'm inspired by you and your strength! I was accepted to but did not go to law school after grad school, and I regret it to this day. HOWEVER, the many people I've been since then amazes even me. I will be 35 in 30 days, and I can totally relate to your sense of many-people-ness. I saw a book in some MegaBookStore yesterday - The "10 Women you'll be before you're 35" or some such. I didn't get it or read through it much, but the feeling of many-people-ness seems to be pretty universal among Thinking Women.
I regret that I didn't do this decades ago, but the fact is that I did do it. I will have to find that book, because it's true. We go through many selves in a fulfilled lifetime.
It would be pretty sad if all you were ever going to be was accomplished at 25 or 45 or even 60. We (hopefully) all continue to grow and change and take on new roles. I'm learning how to be a mother-in-law and Grandma, which is a whole new set of skills.
I'm sure it will take a little time to find, define and adjust to your new identity, but I am just as sure that you will bring to it all your previous drive and dedication and will be an awesome example to your daughters!
Meanwhile, cut yourself some slack for being exhausted and listless- you've been through an exhaustive physical and emotional wringer and will need time to recoup. Enjoy your trip and come back renewed!
Thanks, dear. You are a wonderful Mom, even to people who aren't your kids!
Thanks so much- that's a compliment I treasure!
I was telling my friend Jess about you the other day and graduating, etc and all you've accomplished. We think that you should be like Kay Scarpetta (from Patricia Cornwell's books):
Now that you have your law degree you should go to med school and then become involved in forensics, etc. Maybe become the State Medical Examiner of Ohio. Work for the FBI, you know something that!
Just food for thought.
I got no mind for science, so it's definitely out. But there is always the advantage of being in school puts student loans on hold, so if I did enough I could probably run up half a mil in student debt and then drop dead without paying off any of it!
Part of the way you feel is because you spent the last five years working toward... Yesterday. The major goal in your life is finished (likely for good!) So the question is, Who do you want to be?
It is probably less useful to define yourself by labels. They can all fit, yet none of them define you. What do you want to learn? What traits do you want to develop? (Not talents or skills, traits.) Who do you want to be? Focus on traits that will help in many of those silly labels.
Just try to find joy in your life, and like who you are. You can make plans through that, but being the best person you can be is a lifetime goal. Set it up so that people like you because of who you are, not because of what you do. (what you do is just a reflection of your goals and priorities.)
But first of all, take some time off to let your brain congeal! Learn something new in wonderful ways. It may take several weeks to fully recharge, give it time.
I am not good at being patient with myself. I know I should just lay back and be brain dead for a while, that it's no sin to be a zombie for the time being, but I'm not good at giving myself permission to do so.
Hence, the angst.
But you make some very good points, and I will try and be kind to myself and allow the next phase of me to grow.
Ferrett, of course, suggests Gini the Fellatrix. He's even willing to throw himself on that grenade. Brave boy.
As long as he stays the cunning linguist, I'd say indulge him :)
Somehow, I'd missed the Gini the Homeschooling Mom. Cool. And good luck as you clear all the past roles and find your new self :-)
That was before LJ, so I haven't talked that much about it. I'll find the new me, and it's nice having friends to talk to about it.
2006-07-30 03:21 pm (UTC)
"Ferrett, of course, suggests Gini the Fellatrix. He's even willing to throw himself on that grenade. Brave boy."
Yeah. He's a big damn hero, that one.
Yup. Always willing to put himself out for others.
2006-07-30 04:57 pm (UTC)
Or, more accurately, always willing to have others put out for himself.
Now, that seems to trivialize his sacrifice!
I think these change of identity periods are always unsettling. I'm sure however you come out the other side Gini the ................ wil be just as passionate, and interesting to know as all the other Gini's. Good luck.
Oh and by the way I hope you have a good trip.
Reinvention, though scary, is exciting, especially when you know that's what you need to be doing. But hey, anytime we pass a milestone we can't help but look back, and the eagerness to move forward can get obscured by the sense of loss at the road just travelled...
But hey. You're in Europe. Acting out the Da Vinci Code :P Have a great trip!