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After today, I am hanging up my commuting spurs for the rest of the… - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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[Sep. 21st, 2006|08:23 pm]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |scaredscared]

After today, I am hanging up my commuting spurs for the rest of the season.

I had the worst bike ride of my entire life this evening.

No, it wasn't the hills of Cleveland Heights that did it - as it turns out, that whole plan got ditched because Eric and Kat forgot to leave the house unlocked for Ferrett. But I didn't get out of the office until almost 6:30 anyway, which would have been a late start going over there.

So I just rode home. Like I've done dozens of times. Except this time I rode the whole way feeling wildly vulnerable and exposed, and sick with fear.

I owe a lot of that to a combination of being actually sick, the cold medicine putting me just a bit off my game, and the sun glaring straight into my eyes. But all that combined with the skittishness I've felt since I got hit by that van. It's there all the time now, that concrete knowledge that I am at risk; most days I just take a little more road and bull through it.

Today, though, all I wanted to do was pull over on the side of the road, curl up in a ball, and cry. As it was, I fought tears at several points along the way. I felt weak and cowardly and terrified. I wanted to just quit.

I pushed on.

I made it home without any actual incident, but I still feel "shook up" by it all. And this is the point where I usually pep-talk myself: "But I'm fine, and it really wasn't so bad, etc."

I don't feel like pep talking. I still sort of feel like crying. I don't want to be scared. Or sick - which is clearly contributing to my blues.

It's just kind of a bad evening....
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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: cathubodva
2006-09-22 12:47 am (UTC)
This is so inadequate, but...

*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: ba1126
2006-09-22 01:16 am (UTC)
Have a big cup of tea and curl up in your favorite robe and slippers, or even a cuddly blanket.Take your meds and get a good night's sleep. You'll feel better tomorrow. When your body is pushed physically (stressed, cold, tired), it doesn't take much to go into emotional overload. You don't need a pep talk, you need rest.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:20 am (UTC)
Getting ready to go to bed, a belly full of theraflu topped off with a glass of wine. I intend to sleeeeep.
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[User Picture]From: brujah
2006-09-22 01:19 am (UTC)
I adore you, sugar. I wish I could make you feel better.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:13 am (UTC)
Just knowing you care helps a bit.

I am having a very big pout tonight.
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[User Picture]From: apostate_96
2006-09-22 01:33 am (UTC)
Glad you made it home in one piece, at least physically.

I know that when I'm sick my emotions are much more likely to run away with me. It doesn't make it easier to handle the feelings at the time, but it helps when I can remember that what I'm dealing with isn't necessarily the way it really is....or will be from here out.

*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:20 am (UTC)
Actually giving myself permission to have a good, long pout is making me feel better, interestingly enough.
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[User Picture]From: fortuna_juvat
2006-09-22 02:04 am (UTC)
I do hope you can take one last leisure/fun ride through the park so you can end the season on a good ride. Good luck with winter excercise, because I know I never want to. :-P
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:19 am (UTC)
Oh, I will still ride on the weekends for fun, as long as the weather stays nice. I just can't deal with the impending darkness, the blinding sunrises and sunsets, and the equally blinded drivers blazing past me.

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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:37 am (UTC)
I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning. No bike, I promise.
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[User Picture]From: kathrynrose
2006-09-22 02:31 am (UTC)
::hug::
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[User Picture]From: miripanda
2006-09-22 02:56 am (UTC)
Man, it was just such a Thursday today... I had no such valid reason as you did, but I was teary and fragile all day too. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:17 am (UTC)
Hugs back.
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[User Picture]From: ladyhawke_wings
2006-09-22 03:03 am (UTC)
Ok, everyone else already said what I planned on writing - so I'll just say "What they said!" and also *huggs* :-)
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[User Picture]From: on_reserve
2006-09-22 03:10 am (UTC)
I had a commuting close-call and never felt "right" afterwards. So I stick to riding around my neighborhood or going to bike paths and such. Biking is so much different without the stress.
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[User Picture]From: diachrony
2006-09-22 03:14 am (UTC)
I just took a walk to the store and back ... and on the way back, it was dark except for all the car headlights glaring in my face. I had to keep my eyes on the sidewalk in front of me so I didn't veer all over (I discombobulate rather easily, I fear) and had barely any peripheral vision. I can imagine how much worse this would be on a bike, and feeling ill, and nervous because of a recent accident! Poor you!

I hope you feel better!
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[User Picture]From: ser_kai
2006-09-22 03:27 am (UTC)
*big hugs* I'm glad you're safe, at least.
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[User Picture]From: donkey_hokey
2006-09-22 04:23 am (UTC)
*hugs*

I remember when I used to ride a motorcycle. I remember some very close calls (but no accidents, thank the Goddess). I remember when construction got much worse, and the roads got a lot scarier. And I remember one day deciding the risk was not worth the fun, and deciding to stop riding for awhile. And then I remember getting rid of the motorcycle because I hadn't ridden it in several years.

:(

Hopefully you'll be able to get back on the bike next season and keep riding.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:24 am (UTC)
I still plan to do some pleasure riding this fall - not giving up quite that easily - and getting back to it in the spring. I do like it, it's great exercise. But that was a bad, bad day.
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[User Picture]From: happydog
2006-09-22 04:55 am (UTC)
Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to roll up in a ball, weep, moan, and just flat out be sick. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I hope you feel better soon.

(ps: remember also that cold medicines usually mess with one's mind.)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:27 am (UTC)
Re: cold medicines. Usually they don't bother me much, or at least not in a perceptible way. Then again, I don't usually bike while taking them!

And thanks.
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