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After today, I am hanging up my commuting spurs for the rest of the… - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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[Sep. 21st, 2006|08:23 pm]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |scaredscared]

After today, I am hanging up my commuting spurs for the rest of the season.

I had the worst bike ride of my entire life this evening.

No, it wasn't the hills of Cleveland Heights that did it - as it turns out, that whole plan got ditched because Eric and Kat forgot to leave the house unlocked for Ferrett. But I didn't get out of the office until almost 6:30 anyway, which would have been a late start going over there.

So I just rode home. Like I've done dozens of times. Except this time I rode the whole way feeling wildly vulnerable and exposed, and sick with fear.

I owe a lot of that to a combination of being actually sick, the cold medicine putting me just a bit off my game, and the sun glaring straight into my eyes. But all that combined with the skittishness I've felt since I got hit by that van. It's there all the time now, that concrete knowledge that I am at risk; most days I just take a little more road and bull through it.

Today, though, all I wanted to do was pull over on the side of the road, curl up in a ball, and cry. As it was, I fought tears at several points along the way. I felt weak and cowardly and terrified. I wanted to just quit.

I pushed on.

I made it home without any actual incident, but I still feel "shook up" by it all. And this is the point where I usually pep-talk myself: "But I'm fine, and it really wasn't so bad, etc."

I don't feel like pep talking. I still sort of feel like crying. I don't want to be scared. Or sick - which is clearly contributing to my blues.

It's just kind of a bad evening....
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: cathubodva
2006-09-22 12:47 am (UTC)
This is so inadequate, but...

*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: ba1126
2006-09-22 01:16 am (UTC)
Have a big cup of tea and curl up in your favorite robe and slippers, or even a cuddly blanket.Take your meds and get a good night's sleep. You'll feel better tomorrow. When your body is pushed physically (stressed, cold, tired), it doesn't take much to go into emotional overload. You don't need a pep talk, you need rest.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:20 am (UTC)
Getting ready to go to bed, a belly full of theraflu topped off with a glass of wine. I intend to sleeeeep.
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[User Picture]From: brujah
2006-09-22 01:19 am (UTC)
I adore you, sugar. I wish I could make you feel better.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:13 am (UTC)
Just knowing you care helps a bit.

I am having a very big pout tonight.
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[User Picture]From: apostate_96
2006-09-22 01:33 am (UTC)
Glad you made it home in one piece, at least physically.

I know that when I'm sick my emotions are much more likely to run away with me. It doesn't make it easier to handle the feelings at the time, but it helps when I can remember that what I'm dealing with isn't necessarily the way it really is....or will be from here out.

*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:20 am (UTC)
Actually giving myself permission to have a good, long pout is making me feel better, interestingly enough.
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[User Picture]From: apostate_96
2006-09-22 04:23 pm (UTC)
I understand how that goes! Any more, I tend to see that as similar to how the two-exits-no-waiting when you're really sick can be good in helping quickly flush all the toxins and crap out of your system. Definitely not fun to go through at the time, but it does have a useful function. And trying to keep it all in means the agony'll just go on longer.
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[User Picture]From: kalieris
2006-09-22 05:35 pm (UTC)
It really does seem to work that way. Specifically allowing myself to pout seems to make the ickiness go away a lot sooner than when I keep pushing it away or trying to ignore it.

Hope you feel better soon, Gini.
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[User Picture]From: fortuna_juvat
2006-09-22 02:04 am (UTC)
I do hope you can take one last leisure/fun ride through the park so you can end the season on a good ride. Good luck with winter excercise, because I know I never want to. :-P
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:19 am (UTC)
Oh, I will still ride on the weekends for fun, as long as the weather stays nice. I just can't deal with the impending darkness, the blinding sunrises and sunsets, and the equally blinded drivers blazing past me.

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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 02:37 am (UTC)
I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning. No bike, I promise.
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[User Picture]From: kathrynrose
2006-09-22 02:31 am (UTC)
::hug::
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[User Picture]From: miripanda
2006-09-22 02:56 am (UTC)
Man, it was just such a Thursday today... I had no such valid reason as you did, but I was teary and fragile all day too. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:17 am (UTC)
Hugs back.
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[User Picture]From: ladyhawke_wings
2006-09-22 03:03 am (UTC)
Ok, everyone else already said what I planned on writing - so I'll just say "What they said!" and also *huggs* :-)
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[User Picture]From: on_reserve
2006-09-22 03:10 am (UTC)
I had a commuting close-call and never felt "right" afterwards. So I stick to riding around my neighborhood or going to bike paths and such. Biking is so much different without the stress.
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[User Picture]From: diachrony
2006-09-22 03:14 am (UTC)
I just took a walk to the store and back ... and on the way back, it was dark except for all the car headlights glaring in my face. I had to keep my eyes on the sidewalk in front of me so I didn't veer all over (I discombobulate rather easily, I fear) and had barely any peripheral vision. I can imagine how much worse this would be on a bike, and feeling ill, and nervous because of a recent accident! Poor you!

I hope you feel better!
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[User Picture]From: ser_kai
2006-09-22 03:27 am (UTC)
*big hugs* I'm glad you're safe, at least.
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[User Picture]From: donkey_hokey
2006-09-22 04:23 am (UTC)
*hugs*

I remember when I used to ride a motorcycle. I remember some very close calls (but no accidents, thank the Goddess). I remember when construction got much worse, and the roads got a lot scarier. And I remember one day deciding the risk was not worth the fun, and deciding to stop riding for awhile. And then I remember getting rid of the motorcycle because I hadn't ridden it in several years.

:(

Hopefully you'll be able to get back on the bike next season and keep riding.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:24 am (UTC)
I still plan to do some pleasure riding this fall - not giving up quite that easily - and getting back to it in the spring. I do like it, it's great exercise. But that was a bad, bad day.
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[User Picture]From: happydog
2006-09-22 04:55 am (UTC)
Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to roll up in a ball, weep, moan, and just flat out be sick. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I hope you feel better soon.

(ps: remember also that cold medicines usually mess with one's mind.)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:27 am (UTC)
Re: cold medicines. Usually they don't bother me much, or at least not in a perceptible way. Then again, I don't usually bike while taking them!

And thanks.
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[User Picture]From: lacey
2006-09-22 06:42 am (UTC)
Wow. That sounds like so many incidents i've had (i'm not a rider.. I mean feeling vulnerable, exposed, and skittish. That's always a recipe for disaster.) I feel confident that you'll be able to get back on next season with little-to-no problem, especially seeing as you intend to still ride on weekends, and seeing as how you enjoy it so. That still doesn't take the bad taste from your mouth. I hope you have a good night.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:28 am (UTC)
I slept well, thanks. Still sick this morning, but that just takes time.
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[User Picture]From: lacey
2006-09-22 06:55 pm (UTC)
That's defintely true... seems like most everyone I know is sick! Bleh.
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[User Picture]From: ewtikins
2006-09-22 06:43 am (UTC)
I'm glad you're okay, and go you for not giving up. But ugh, I've ridden when I'm feeling like that, and it's horrid.

*sends a nice cup of tea and a sit-down*

Try to do some non-commuting riding this weekend if you're feeling better physically? That will probably help, too.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:29 am (UTC)
Definitely planning to do so (depending on the weather, of course). I am not put off of biking, just of biking in these conditions.
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[User Picture]From: crystalrowan
2006-09-22 08:28 am (UTC)
I've been there (which is one of the reasons I am so constantly amazed by your bike commuting). I HATE riding on roads or even on sidewalks of busy roads. The constant checking over your shoulder before you cross an entryway into a store or a side street (because people turning right won't always pay attention to you). I saw a guy with rearview mirrors on his bike and though to myself, "I need that!"

But I would still be edgy. So we don't ride much unless it's on back roads or bike trails.

However, I have a feeling that after you get some rest and get to feeling better physically, you're eventually going to hop back on that bike for another commute (if it's not cold).
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:32 am (UTC)
I do have a rearview mirror, which helps most of the time.

The impending darkness and the really bad sunrise/sunset situation probably will mean I am done commuting for this year. But I will still ride for pleasure on the weekends.
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[User Picture]From: pachamama
2006-09-22 09:36 am (UTC)
I hope you resist the temptation to make forever decisions when you're feeling so crummy -- think about it again when you're well. But meanwhile take care of yourself and rest -- the bike will still be there when you're well.

{{{good vibes}}}}

might you be able to map out a-longer-but-much-less-trafficky route?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:33 am (UTC)
Actually, I've mapped the least traffic-y route available.

I wouldn't be commuting much more this year anyway because it will be dark soon. But don't worry; I intend to be back out there next spring!
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[User Picture]From: ohhjuliet
2006-09-22 11:01 am (UTC)
*hug*
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[User Picture]From: moropus
2006-09-22 11:24 am (UTC)
You should not ride your bike in the dark in Cleveland, or any major city. Your fears are based on common sense. Sorry you had a panic attack.
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[User Picture]From: wolflady26
2006-09-22 01:39 pm (UTC)
Aww, I'm sorry you had such a rotten ride!
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[User Picture]From: kashmera
2006-09-22 07:51 pm (UTC)
I hate rides like that. I'm still careful on the stretch of road where I had a couple of accidents. I fully agree that it is always best to pay attention to your survival instincts when on a bike. ER trip vs slight guilt? I'll take slight guilt every time.

Glad to hear you'll still be doing weekend trips. :o)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2006-09-22 11:20 pm (UTC)
Yeah, but probably not this weekend. I am really sick.
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