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It's been hum-bugging me - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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It's been hum-bugging me [Feb. 11th, 2008|07:44 pm]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |pensivepensive]

All of LJ is filled with Valentine post boxes, clustered in my flist like a bunch of excited kids, giggling madly. I know it's all in good fun, but my eyes hurt a bit from rolling back in my head.

As I told catvalente the other day, I am not a Valentine's Day person. I never have been. I feel loved all the time, so I don't need a special day.

But then I saw her post today about why she loves Valentine's Day. And it struck me that I dislike it for the exact same reason.

As she puts it, "When I was a kid I was the ungainly, squawking dork in class that no one gave Valentines to, and I just hoped and prayed that I would be different when I grew up. And I mostly am."

"Mostly am" is an egregious understatement, an insane and unrealistic humility. Our Ms. V is, in the words of a friend who shall remain nameless, "A walking streak of sex." She exudes sensuality. She has most definitely overcome her awkward stage.

Whereas I think I'm still in it. I came from a school where we weren't allowed to not give everyone in the class Valentines, so I got those little cards. But they were always the dorky and stupid ones that you only used for people you hated. So now I feel like, sure, I would get Valentines messages, but they would mostly be because people regard me as wise, or comfortable, or funny.

It's not that people don't love me. It's just that they don't like me in that way.

And Valentine's is about being liked "in that way." Yeah, there are Valentine's cards to send to Gramma. But I don't want them. I'm not ready to completely accept being only wise and comfy and funny. But I'm also realistic enough to know that I'm past being a babe.

Ferrett looks into my eyes and I see how deeply he adores me, and that is amazing. I feel grateful and blessed to have his love. It's completely childish that I have those ridiculous Veruca Salt moments of wanting it all, don't care how, I want it now.

So no post box for me, thanks. I don't want what I can't really have. The world will not worship at my feet; I don't need to be reminded of that.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: mamculuna
2008-02-12 01:23 am (UTC)
Well, I'm having a great time sending anonymous love to lots of people that I'm not thinking of as physically or sexually attractive, but who, like you, really make my day time after time with their wit, insight, and incredible ability to tell the truth in a new way.

So, like it or not, i <3 u!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 01:54 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks!
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[User Picture]From: kisekinotenshi
2008-02-12 01:26 am (UTC)
That's interesting. As someone who's never been loved in "that way" I tend to be a seesaw about Valentine's Day. One year I hate it, the next year I send out valentines to everyone I know and make a smarmy post about loving them all. And then the next year I feel depressed and unloved and want to bitchslap someone.

That having been said, I don't really treat it like a real holiday. This year I'm sending out cookies, but I send out cookies throughout the year anyway. I don't tend to send them out because of any particular holiday, just because I get in the cookie mood and want to share them with my friends (who mostly live far away from me).
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 01:54 am (UTC)
Cookies are always A Good Thing.

Mostly I ignore Valentines Day; this year it jsut seems a bit more "in my face."
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[User Picture]From: theferrett
2008-02-12 01:31 am (UTC)

I

love you.

I know, small words coming from Mister Whore-Himself-To-The-World-For-Affection, but it's true. You're the best for me, babe.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 01:43 am (UTC)
I love you, too, sweetie.
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[User Picture]From: undertheivy99
2008-02-12 01:33 am (UTC)

Wel...

"The world will not worship at my feet; I don't need to be reminded of that."

Is it still okay if a few of us worship your bad-assed-ness?

Patty
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 01:44 am (UTC)

Re: Wel...

Yes. You made me laugh; thank you, hon.
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From: bonerici
2008-02-12 01:44 am (UTC)
i have exactly one valentine's box in my friend's list: ferrett. I guess my friend's list is all emo? :-)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 01:45 am (UTC)
You definitely have a different group of friends!
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[User Picture]From: ladyhawke_wings
2008-02-12 01:47 am (UTC)
Ferrett looks into my eyes and I see how deeply he adores me, and that is amazing. I feel grateful and blessed to have his love. It's completely childish that I have those ridiculous Veruca Salt moments of wanting it all, don't care how, I want it now.

I feel similarly to you, really (I got the dorky one's, too). And I, too, have most often found myself in the position you describe. But the thing is, Gini, you have Ferrett. And the two of you have a love that is pure and heart-rendingly amazing. And quite clearly, you are a babe to him. And really, isn't that the definition of "having it all"?

*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 01:52 am (UTC)
Oh, I realize that I'm being totally selfish. I really am very grateful and happy. There are just those days, and the post box thing brought it on. It was a bit of silliness, but hey, the point of El Jay is to follow where your head is going, right?
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From: wildcelticrose
2008-02-12 02:00 am (UTC)
I think there's a part of us (us, meaning single folks who haven't found what you have yet) that still hold out that girlish hope that some wonderful boy/girl who has been admiring us from afar will surprise us with a valentine much like Charlie Brown used to hope for a valentine from the little red haired girl.

Yes it's silly, but even I sometimes hold on to a tiny bit of the secret admirer fantasy.

Of course, in real life, said secret admirer would most likely be someone that we're not attracted to or are not compatible with and would have to "let down gently".

Or they're just a stalker.

Another year passes and I will go "valentineless" but that's OK. I know that if and when the right person comes along, it won't likely be in an electronic email valentine box on my blog.

I'll get a valentine or two from friends and co-workers and I do know that I am loved. (and am worthy of being loved)

I'm just not willing to settle.





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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 02:13 am (UTC)
You are absolutely right - you do deserve love, and have no reason to settle.
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[User Picture]From: mamaursula
2008-02-12 02:17 am (UTC)
I can completely appreciate your thoughts. I was never someone the boys (or girls) fell over to sit next to, pick first for whatever. As a matter of fact, I recall a situation in elementary school (yes, we're talking in excess of 25 years ago) a girl that I thought was my friend asked me to turn around so she could show one of our other friends that I had no ass. The fact that I remember that should illustrate how deeply the comment scarred me.
I just try to remember that someone in the world loves me and she made me a lovely paper and yarn heart necklace the other day. I need to remember to pick up a valentine for her too. Of course, she's 5 and doesn't care if my ass is perky or not.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 02:38 am (UTC)
Kids are so much fun. I love them.
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[User Picture]From: jeanniemac
2008-02-12 02:26 am (UTC)
I'm not a Valentines Day person either. And just for the record, the only person on my F-list with a mail box is Ferrett. This year, instead of doing a Valentines Day thing with Brent (he doesn't do the day either), I'm hosting a movie party for some of the gals in my SoCal circle of friends, several of whom fall into the alone and lonely catagory that I was in 5 years ago. My goal is to spend the day making them feel appriciated, especially since they don't have an SO to make them feel special. We aren't doing this on the day itself (work got in the way there) but I figure Sunday is good enough.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 02:36 am (UTC)
I think that's a great idea. We're probably going to the home of a friend and play board games.
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[User Picture]From: sunfell
2008-02-12 03:07 am (UTC)
I don't consider myself 'valentine-less', I'm more like valentine-free. Being uncoupled (and highly unlikely to find myself in that state at my age), this is a holiday that I am glad passes quickly, because the level of smarm on the TV is enough to give one insulin shock.

The one and only time I thought I was in love was at the hands of a skilled con artist who played me like a fiddle, intent on reeling me in to snag my money. I got wise just in time, thank goodness. Sadly, stuff like that kind of kills off the romantic impulse. But I discovered that I can be an excellent 'runaway bride', so I learned something from that.

So, yes, I'm cynical, but not envious. I dwell outside the coupled world, which is fine for me.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 11:25 am (UTC)
I do not watch TV, for which I am eternally grateful when I see the mention of smarm. And I am fully aware that I have nothing to whine about, being happily coupled. This was just the rambling of a ridiculous brain.
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From: williaej
2008-02-12 03:16 am (UTC)
I don't really do Valentines either, but for an entirely different reason:

My birthday is February 17th.

I'll get the usual conversation hearts from my mom (she teaches first grade and does some kind of sorting/graphing activity with the kids every year and has TONS of extra hearts, so over the years I've come to love the chalky little bastards), and my aunt usually sends a card from my little cousins, but most people just wait until the weekend and birthday me.

(Also, I've never been in a "romantic" relationship, so I've never had occasion to deal with that pink-and-cherubim crap beyond elementary school.)
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[User Picture]From: bec76
2008-02-12 03:18 am (UTC)
Wow. I totally feel you here.

I feel exactly the same way. Thanks for summing it up more eloquently than I could have. I've been struggling to put words to my feelings as the day draws ever closer, and you've really put your finger on it.

I'm still in the awkard stage too.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 11:31 am (UTC)
I'm solipsistic enough to want to be Aphrodite, and realistic enough to I'm more like Hecate - but I don't have to like it! ;-)
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[User Picture]From: meyerweb.com
2008-02-12 03:36 am (UTC)
I'm just entirely neutral about Valentine's Day. As in, neither fan nor humbug, but feeling like it's about as relevant to me as the color of the walls in one of Mumbai's larger apartments.

I do try to make some effort for others, but man. Even my birthday seems more interesting to me, and you know how much notice I take of that.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 11:33 am (UTC)
Lesser than your birthday is pretty damned impressive, dude.

And most years I am about with you re: Valentine's Day. This year it just seems more in my face and hence more irritating.
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[User Picture]From: yndy
2008-02-12 03:57 am (UTC)
You know - this is tricky to write without sounding like I'm somehow pandering to your ego & your insecurity both...

But if I were a guy or I were sexually attracted to women, I would SO be hot for you.
Because physical is nice, but it's barely in the top 5 when it comes to 'what makes someone sexy' in my book.
Intelligence, Wit, Sense of Humor, and Self-Confidence come far before 'what your outer shape looks like on a given day' - if you've got the first 4, and aren't so bizarrely misshapen on #5 that I'm utterly distracted by the deformity, if the bits are in the right places? Yum!

That said, I was the "got 4 valentines in my decorated bag - next to the girl who got 33" in gradeschool. By the time I went to my 10 yr high school reunion, I was the girl getting invited home by all of the single (and a few of the not single) guys.

Some of us "bloom" what the world calls late, and I call "in our own damn time."

But this year? Yeah, I"m not playing either. Not because I don't cherish the folks on my FL - but because I tell people year round, and they tell me too.

(((hug)))
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 11:39 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks, hon. And yeah, I was a late bloomer, too, but by the time I was even vaguely aware of that fact I was married to a guy who was continually critical of me, so it got tamped down a lot.

Now I'm married to a guy who continually tells me I'm beautiful, but surrounded by a friends group that is much younger and hotter.

I probably go out of my way to feel inadequate. I know I'm loved and liked. I just miss being lusted for (present spouse excluded, of course!)
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[User Picture]From: roaming
2008-02-12 04:41 am (UTC)
THANK YOU for singing my song! I remember the boyfriend who sent me the requisite and unimaginative dozen (plus one) red roses. I don't find red roses interesting, I like "rock" roses. And besides, all he did was dial the florist. Or maybe even had his secretary do it. Yawn.

My husband and I regularly "forget" (neglect out of boredom) Xmas and birthday presents for eachother. The first time he didn't bring me something on my birthday, the first year we were dating, all my girlfriends were scandalized and told me to punt the creep pdq, because what could I expect from someone like that but years of neglect? What I've gotten for the past 8 years is someone who tells me, every day, more than once a day, how lucky he feels to have found me; how beautiful he finds me; and "d'ye know how fine ye are tae me?" (Because I once told him I thought that THE most romantic declaration of love I'd ever heard.)

Yeh, keep the cheesy (or expensive, diamonds bore me also) market-mandated guilt-induced going-through-the-motions-so-she-won't-pout-or-throw-a-hissy-fit (and withhold sex for a few months) gestures.

I was "a babe" once. My husband acts like he still thinks I am (though we met when I was waay past babehood). It didn't get me really really loved for who I was. Strange that I had to get fat and middle-aged before Wuv, Twu Wuv, found me. Or, maybe not so strange. But certainly ironic.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 11:45 am (UTC)
Ferrett is a great lover of Christmas and birthdays, so there would never be a time when forgetting prezzies for those occasions would happen. But otherwise, yeah. I know how very lucky I am, and I get told every day that I am awesome. That more than makes up for the lack of worshippers.

Mostly. As I said, most years I hardly notice this day, but this year it is just in my face.
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[User Picture]From: axejudge
2008-02-12 06:34 am (UTC)
It doesn't seem that way apparently to anyone I know, but I have a bit of romantic in me. Not the gushy, overly sweet stereotype, but true romance. Unfortunately I've never been the recipient of that kind of attention at this time of year - even when I was married. He was one of those "I don't go for mass-marketing telling me what to do when" people, which actually meant he didn't want to do anything, and he certainly wasn't appreciative of me in general (part of why I'm no longer married). It was all I could do to get him to pay attention to my birthday, which is about 2 weeks before Valentine's Day.

Apparently I never did grow out of the awkward dorky stage. :( No one gives me valentines, and I just have to deal with that.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 11:46 am (UTC)
I am very lucky to have found Ferrett. I know that and should not complain.
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[User Picture]From: celamity
2008-02-12 07:58 am (UTC)
Valentine's Day was not a part of Norwegian culture as I was growing up. (The past few years, however, it has become a part of Norwegian merchandising efforts, and so has halloween. Stupid imported opportunities to sell stuff...)

I remember the first time I actively noticed february 14th. It was the first day I visited a large telnet chatroom, and there were girls there claiming they were wearing all black because of what day it was.

This year, Valentine's day has notability for being the due date of my brother's girlfriend, but other than that, it serves me little purpose. My husband and I let each other know how we feel every day of the year.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 11:48 am (UTC)
Ferrett and I are the same way. It's nice.
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[User Picture]From: kmg_365
2008-02-12 01:39 pm (UTC)
I got those little cards. But they were always the dorky and stupid ones that you only used for people you hated.

"I Choo-Choo-Choose You to be my Valentine!

See, it's a train saying it choo-choo-chooses you."

My wife and I see it as another Hallmark holiday. We'll exchange cards, but we don't do anything else out of the ordinary. We express our love for each other every day.
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[User Picture]From: yndy
2008-02-13 12:25 am (UTC)
Simpsons reference ftw :)
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[User Picture]From: vrax
2008-02-12 02:46 pm (UTC)
Why isn't there some sliding dial where I could set my lascivious glance rating down and yours up. Trade ya?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 08:49 pm (UTC)
So many things in life that don't work like that really should!
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[User Picture]From: myshanter
2008-02-12 03:07 pm (UTC)
So, there was a time when I wished you and Ferrett were swingers. It wasn't all because of him, hotness.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 08:50 pm (UTC)
Squeee!!!

You made my day. ;-)
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[User Picture]From: caudelac
2008-02-12 05:11 pm (UTC)
I was right in the middle. Sometimes I would get lots of pretty and excessive ones, and sometimes I would get the dross. What I liked and like even more is the giving of little red and pink things-- the one time a year when it was okay to blithely and excessively express your adoration for everyone, even if it seemed, due to the ubiquity of the little cards for everyone in the classes, well... commonplace. But then, I am a person who likes it when my quirks become fads, because then, for a limited period of time, it is like bits of myself are easily and readily available, instead of having to go search for them always.

To that end, I am fond of valentines day, single or no. Single, I used it to love all over my various friends. Not single, I get to be extravagant all over my Other.

Though really, I want to give you something large, red and white and lacy, because you ought to have something egregious like that, for Continued and Awe-Inspiring Brilliance. It really is quite sexy.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-12 08:51 pm (UTC)
Aw, thanks, hon.
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[User Picture]From: ba1126
2008-02-13 12:14 am (UTC)
My husband and I have a relationship similar to you and Ferrett. When he apologizes (as he invariably does) for forgetting to get me a Valentine, I tell him "Anybody can go buy a card. You were the one who rubbed my back and held my hair out of the way when I had stomach flu and was miserable in front of the toilet. You're the one who came home from a full day of work and babysat so I could take night courses for my degree. You're the one who has been by my side and cheered me on during every thing I've done. THAT is showing me love."
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-13 01:38 am (UTC)
Yup. Those are the things that really count.
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[User Picture]From: puckathon
2008-02-16 08:24 am (UTC)
Out of curiosity, am I the only one who totally gets the Much Ado About Nothing allusion?

Beatrice: Against my will, I am sent to bid you come into dinner.
Benedick: Fair Beatrice, thank you for your pains.
Beatrice: I took no more pains for those thanks than you take pains to thank me. If it had been painful, I would not have come.
Benedick: You take pleasure then in the message?
Beatrice: Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's point. You have no stomach, signor? Fare you well.
Benedick: Ha. "Against my will I am sent to bid you come into dinner." There's a double meaning in that.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2008-02-16 04:38 pm (UTC)
I even chose the knife's point icon. ;-)
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