||[May. 3rd, 2003|05:24 pm]
Can't study, can't work, can't get anything done.
Can't find the energy to care.
I am...all too familiar with your kind of pain, the kind that eats the soul. I am here if you need me, want to talk.
I love you, no matter what.
2003-05-04 12:02 am (UTC)
Worthless - Not under Lucas, you're not.
I've just spent all day either studying Property or (censored out of fear of giving an "I've done worse than you so I'm more of a jerk" vibe), so I think I'm pretty up on the whole worth thing. You may be worthless in this one arena, but there are many areas in which you are worth something. Spider Robinson once pointed out that if you have the guilts over someone, the way to fix it is to do something to help someone you can help. I imagine that there are many people around you who could use your insight, or kindness, or consideration right now. So, you screwed up, and from the sound of it, rather badly. You can careen about rudderless, bonk into other people and be so caught up in your pain that you cause additional harm to them. Then, you can feel bad about the pain you caused them, and then you can repeat the process. Or, you can fix something.
This is hard, by the way.
Note that when I say "you," I mean me.
2003-05-04 04:36 am (UTC)
Re: Worthless - Not under Lucas, you're not.
You're right. I am trying very hard to limit my histrionics to these boards and not carry it into daily life to do damage to others. And I'm trying hard to learn from this so that I can avoid ever repeating such a blunder. (It's a Taurus thing - you think you're headed in the right direction and just need to show everyone the light. I've learned with Ferrett to stop trying to foist my worldview of the situation; I need to make the lessons learned more global, slow down and consider instead of bulling ahead.)
I even managed to get through most of my Torts outline last night. After spending close an hour lying on the daybed, staring at the ceiling in despair and another hour sitting at the computer lethargically refreshing my email in hopes that my attempts at repairing the wound would bear fruit.
What are the five stages of grief? Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Acceptance? I'm still stuck in bargaining.
Sorry to be dumping on you, dude. I need to get over myself. Thanks for being an ear.