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Zoethe

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Of us [Feb. 13th, 2009|07:23 am]
Zoethe
[Current Mood |mellowmellow]

Well. The day before Valentines seems like a perfect time to stir things up a bit.

For those who don't read theferrett, let me suggest that you mosey over there for a quick perusal. For those who do, or who don't have the patience, here's the news: we are poly.

I suspect that for a lot of people, the reaction is, yeah, duh, whatever. For others, it is probably, why haven't you said so before?

Honestly, if it was me reading, my reaction would be, oh, gods, please don't let their journals devolve to gushy/whiny dating logs.

Let me assure you right now, that is never gonna happen. In my opinion, there is nothing more tedious than a serial hit list of the awesome/amazing/crazy/vile cycle of the stereotypical blogged relationship.

We don't write about current issues in our own relationship; we won't write about current issues in appended ones.

But we have both felt increasingly restrained in our "philosophies of relationship" sort of entries by our refrain from discussing atypical relationship models. And the reasons we had for refraining from such discussions decreased in proportion to the number of "meatspace" friends who did know.

It just got silly. And more than that, it felt false. Yes, we are just as in love and devoted as we have been through all those essays about working on our own relationship. But it felt dishonest to give opinions and perspectives that left out such a huge part of ourselves.

Because there was a lot of time when we were sexually monogamous, but we have been emotionally poly consistently.

There are a lot of people we love, and love dearly, with whom we don't have, and never will have, sexual interaction. Our interactions with these friends are based on our own poly model of interaction: mutual trust, much cuddliness, lack of significant partner jealousy.

We love, and love broadly and deeply. Sex is a small component of our love for our friends.

But it does enter in, when the situation is right. And that's a part of us, too.

We have a lot to say, and of late we have felt constrained. There will be more entries on the topic, now that we can talk. I think it will be interesting. As I said to Ferrett yesterday, "We won't talk poly specifically. But poly generally is an interesting topic."

We aren't the Poly Poster Couple. We have our own issues and craziness. But poly is part of who we are. It's not just something we do; it's a different paradigm from which we view the world. Not better, not worse. But there. It's taken us maybe too long to speak up, but we felt it was important to be honest.
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[User Picture]From: morgi
2009-02-13 12:28 pm (UTC)
We aren't the Poly Poster Couple.

I read that as "the Polyester couple." I think I need to go back to sleep.
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[User Picture]From: enderfem
2009-02-13 12:30 pm (UTC)
Good for you, and as I said on the other post, glad to see people making it work, whatever their relationship type is!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Different models are what keep life interesting!
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From: erisreg
2009-02-13 12:48 pm (UTC)

issues and craziness.

part and parcel to being poly,.. and human,..;)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:10 pm (UTC)

Re: issues and craziness.

Very true!!!
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[User Picture]From: rain_herself
2009-02-13 12:50 pm (UTC)
To reiterate what I said over at Ferrett's LJ, I'm touched and proud of you guys for being vocal about this. While I understand the need for some people to be closeted, it's harder for everyone that way, because every shut door is a little bit of shame that is just so unjust. It does my heart good to know that there is another door open, especially one to people as widely (and rightfully) respected as the two of you.

Bless you. :)

(Edited to fix bizarre sentence structure.)

Edited at 2009-02-13 12:50 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:11 pm (UTC)
Actually, it was seeing Milk that really pushed us - what's true for gays is true for other groups, too.
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[User Picture]From: fallconsmate
2009-02-13 12:51 pm (UTC)
how silly. :)

i've been poly for years, and in fact met my hubby on alt.polyamory, 9 years ago. (we've been married since december.)

if there was any "one size fits all" in love, i've never heard it. yay for you in figuring that out! and much love to you and ferret both, between yourselves and including all your otherloves in there too.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks. The good wishes are very much appreciated.
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[User Picture]From: dana3
2009-02-13 12:59 pm (UTC)
Glad you've found a combination that works well for both/all of you!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks!!
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[User Picture]From: cinema_babe
2009-02-13 01:02 pm (UTC)
As I said on your hubby's journal, your toaster is in the mail.

Seriously, I never really thought about is much but, in my book at least, that's a good thing. It means that the public face you two present is happily absent of the kind of needless sturm und drang that other folks like to put on display.

I'm happy you came out of the closet, I'm a little scared for you, I think it's pretty cool :)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:13 pm (UTC)
It is a little scary. But sometimes you have to take chances.
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[User Picture]From: pjhandley
2009-02-13 01:08 pm (UTC)
well, when you put it that way, it comes across as "we're emotionally invested in our friends". Which, in my book, is never a bad thing.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:14 pm (UTC)
That's a big part of it, honestly.
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[User Picture]From: anivair
2009-02-13 01:12 pm (UTC)
I said it to the ferrett, but I'll say it here, too. a) I sort of assumed this, so I guess it's lucky you are poly, or I'd have been getting a weird vibe.

b) That actually makes me a little more impressed that you guys are as well adjusted as you are. Poly can be hard and for every relationship it saves it breaks ten. (well,l two or three by my numbers, but I'd guess it's higher). not all couples are honest or strong enough to handle it and I an glad you two are.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:16 pm (UTC)
We've gone at it very slowly, and we are extremely cautious. It does have its risks, and there may come a time when we will pull back to monogamous behaviors because we are what comes first.

But it's a huge part of who we are, even when we aren't seeing other people.
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[User Picture]From: jfargo
2009-02-13 01:17 pm (UTC)
I'm in the "yeah, duh" side of things here, but still, as I said to Ferrett, thank you for sharing this side of your life. It takes a lot of courage to come out like that.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks.
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[User Picture]From: wyrrlen
2009-02-13 01:20 pm (UTC)
To be honest, I thought your OKC profiles gave it away. It won't list you as available unless you actively click wanting to date or have sex partners. I figured it couldn't be an accident that Ferrett was listed as available and unless the two of you were working on the plan of open relationship.

And really, I wasn't surprised then either, but my thoughts on poly generally or specifically will have to wait for perhaps a later post of yours when my kids aren't so sick.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:22 pm (UTC)
Yeah, our OKC profiles were where we were sort of easing into it.

And there will be other posts. But mostly we're just gonna keep being the people you already read.
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[User Picture]From: roniliquidity
2009-02-13 01:21 pm (UTC)
I don't know, Ferrett takes too much joy in making poly-related portmanteaus to be all THAT closeted...
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[User Picture]From: custardfairy
2009-02-13 01:28 pm (UTC)
This. :)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:25 pm (UTC)
Like I said, I don't intend to make this journal a litany of relationships, but feeling like we couldn't talk about such things at all without being at least partially dishonest was really confining.

Coffee is much appreciated!
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[User Picture]From: lyssabard
2009-02-13 01:31 pm (UTC)
As I said to Ferrett, your boundaries, your life, your needs at the time--it's all good.

I love you. :)

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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:25 pm (UTC)
Love you, too, dear.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:26 pm (UTC)
Yeah, me too. Thanks.
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[User Picture]From: supremegoddess1
2009-02-13 01:45 pm (UTC)
my reaction to both posts is "....and?"

:)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:27 pm (UTC)
Which makes sense. It feels almost silly to make it A Post, but considering other things we've written, it would have been confusing otherwise.
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[User Picture]From: bart_calendar
2009-02-13 01:49 pm (UTC)
I can completely see where you are coming from.

Rome Girl and I are not monogamous either, but I've never seen the point in blogging about it in my journal. For me at one level writing about having gotten laid (as a dude) always sort of seems like bragging to me, and unless I've five starred something on Guitar Hero on the hard level I don't like to brag. And I really don't like to brag about getting laid.

Beyond that, if I did start writing about it I'd have to figure out how to do all sorts of crazy LJ filters so that certain people I didn't want to really share with I didn't have to share with.

What I've done is just sorta let people read between the lines - and let them make their own assumptions when I mention that Rome Girl is going to be in Rome for several weeks at a time.

I'm not sure we are exactly traditional "poly." For us if we are living together and monogamous for too long a period of time (this probably relates to us both working from home in a small apartment) it drives us batshit insane. So every few months she goes to Rome for a few weeks. Sometimes she has affairs, sometimes she doesn't. While she's gone sometimes I hook up, sometimes I don't.

I've never felt the poly tag was exactly accurate but have yet to find anything better to describe "non monogamous life partner."
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:29 pm (UTC)
No, poly isn't the right "tag" for you. "Open relationship" is closer.

And for us it took a while because we decided that if we were doing it, we were doing it unfiltered. There is a risk in that, but never assume that anything you put on the internet won't be found or revealed by someone else. It's a recipe for heartbreak.
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[User Picture]From: zenithgryph
2009-02-13 02:06 pm (UTC)
I'm with the rest of the, "yeah, and?" people here.

It isn't a choice I'd ever choose, but for those who do it (polyamory) and do it well: I commend you as shining examples of poly done "right." While you have your own issues and I'm sure you'd argue your setting is far from perfect, as a contrast to the drama people associate with polyamorism, it is a welcome sight.


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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:31 pm (UTC)
And a reason for speaking up.

It's not for everyone. Some people are monogamous by nature, some people are not. Nothing about either way of being wired is superior or more enlightened. It just *is.*
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[User Picture]From: vervain13
2009-02-13 02:06 pm (UTC)
*timidly approaching with tail slightly tucked between legs and gently wagging* For a guy who just lurks your LJ, I have to say this post is the best thing I've read this morning. It is gloriously apparent just how much in love you two are and it actually brings a tear to my eye as it also reflects on Hubby and me and stuff we've been working through as well. Bless you both.

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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:32 pm (UTC)
I'm glad it meant something to you. And there is never a reason to be timid. I'm just one middle-aged woman who writes a lot - I am perfectly capable of being totally wrong.

Thank you for your kind words.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks - everyone has been awesome.
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[User Picture]From: aiela
2009-02-13 02:17 pm (UTC)
I'm really proud of you guys for coming to a decision about what you were comfortable with and what you weren't, and making a public stand about it. Its one of the many reasons I think you both are awesome.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks, dear.
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[User Picture]From: jenbibi
2009-02-13 02:19 pm (UTC)
YAY! You go girl! I'm not shocked at all and am happy you guys feel better about bringing out the truth!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
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[User Picture]From: kilbia
2009-02-13 02:21 pm (UTC)
I love how much the two of you love each other, and my feelings there aren't going to change, 'cause y'all's feelings for each other aren't going to change.

I know that probably means somewhere between jack and squat since you have no idea who I am in real life, but I still felt like I should share.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:34 pm (UTC)
Hey, it's totally appreciated. And yeah, it's not going to change how we feel about each other in the least. It's an already existing datapoint brought to the board!
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[User Picture]From: sacramentalist
2009-02-13 02:25 pm (UTC)
I am more roly than poly.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:35 pm (UTC)
*snerk*
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[User Picture]From: elf_fu
2009-02-13 02:52 pm (UTC)
I am very glad that the both of you are able to let that little piece go. I imagine and hope it'll make things all sorts of easier to talk about here. <3
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2009-02-14 06:35 pm (UTC)
It definitely will. Thanks!
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