|Lost: spoilery, but not nearly so ranty
||[May. 12th, 2010|02:53 pm]
So. Origin story of Jacob and Smokey. Only not so much. This is what I've gleaned, some points stolen from other people, some from my responses to other people. Take with the grains of salt and sarcasm I regularly dish out.|
1. We open on yet another pregnant woman in dire straits. This is a theme on the show. She is rescued by CJ Cregg wearing a far worse outfit than she ever wore on West Wing. CJ is sad, mostly because she misses her snappy dialogue, I think.
2. Pregnant lady, who is very Hispanic, gives birth to a Norse child, who she names Jacob, and then a dark child for whom she has not chosen a name. To further emphasize this difference, CJ wraps shiny blond Jacob in a white cloth and dark nameless infant in a dark cloth - BECAUSE THIS IS SYMBOLIC, PEOPLE! (bart_calendar questioned how this dark-complected woman gave birth to a Swede, but I told him that there is a simple explanation: Jacob was divinely conceived by God, who is white. That's why Jesus is white, too. Smokey was the result of carnal relations and therefore dark.)
3. Though pregnant woman is the obvious source for sustenance for two newborns, what with the boobs and the milk, CJ makes the logical decision of bashing her head in with a rock. As I said elsewhere, it's awful to be killed by a Flamingo. But at least she apologized first.
4. Jacob grows up to be an average-looking white kid with no curiosity and a serious Oedipus thing for Mom. Smokey grows up to be Zac Efron's younger brother and obviously the troublemaker, perhaps because no one has bothered to give him a name. We'll call him Nameless. But Jacob knows that CJ-Mom loves Zaclet best because no one can resist a bad boy.
5. CJ-Mom is a compulsive liar. She tells the boys that there is nothing but the island. Then the boys spot people from the shipwreck. When they confront her about it, she simply says they are evil and here to steal ET's heartlight from the island. Really. She takes them to a golden-lighted CGI cave - looking for all the world like Narnia is right on the other side. And then tells them some gobbledy gook about how this is the source of all light in the world and if those evil men get it all life will end everywhere. Um, what? First there was no "anywhere else" and now there is and CJ-Mom just didn't want to tell them and that's okay? And again, this glowy cave is supposed to be the explanation of the specialness of the island?
6. Also, one of them will protect the island and they can't die and they can't leave and they can't hurt each other because she's fixed it that way. Oh, and by the way, boys? Don't ever go in there or you'll ruin everything. Why not just add an apple tree and complete the Eden imagery?
7. Then dead Mom appears to Nameless. Why? Well, who the hell knows. How? Ditto.
8. Nameless goes off in a huff to live with his people. Jacob stays around staring longingly at CJ-Mom (they could totally 'ship 'cause she's not his REAL mother, but mercifully it doesn't go that way).
9. When CJ-Mom learns that the people are trying to harvest the life source and then get the hell off the island she goes to Nameless, makes it clear that she does love him best, and then bashes his head against a rock - it's kind of an M.O. with her - apparently forgetting that she already told him he couldn't die.
10. Mom makes a command decision that Jacob is the protector and takes him back to Heartlight Central. She tells him he must never enter it under any circumstances.
11. Memo to Nameless: while you were out, CJ-Mom buried your well and smote your village. I mean, some SERIOUS smoting. Which of course begs the question: if she was previously able to get all smotey, why the hell did she allow the village to continue for all those years? Why not bring some smote-ass down upon them as soon as she found out they were there? I think we can safely assume that CJ-Mom is smokey, looking upon the carnage.
12. Nameless has a temper tantrum in CJ-Mom's cave, and despite the warning signs is then able to sneak up behind her and stab her with a wooden stake. Through the gut. Which of course means she dies immediately after thanking him, because we all know that gut wounds are quick killers. Jacob arrives just too late for any final words from CJ-Mom and beats in Nameless's face. Then, just because Mom said it should never happen, he drags Nameless all the way to Heartlight Glade and tosses him in. Smokey is born.
13. Jacob finds Nameless's body - because not being able to die was apparently another lie - and brings it back to the cave to lie in state with CJ-Mom. Because he is clearly a confused young man. And, hey, look! We can hearken back to a completely unimportant detail from Season One and try to pretend we had this figured out all along!!!
So, what did we learn? Smokey and Jacob were twin brothers raised by a whackjob. Oh, and the island is mysterious. That took an hour???