|I'll try to be worse....
||[Jun. 15th, 2003|01:11 pm]
The person I love best in the world is having trouble living with me because I'm too perfect. I'm too agreeable, too generous, too kind, too accommodating, and it makes him feel like he doesn't measure up. My stability and capability make him feel inferior.
I don't know how to deal with this. I know what I'm really like. Inside I am petty, grasping, smug, insecure. I point out my accomplishments so people will think I'm terrific, I hide my flaws so people won't know I have them. I have all my monsters on fairly short leashes, but I do have monsters.
Being a good person is the central goal of my life, because I know what I would be like if I didn't keep all that in check. No one would like that person. When I lose control of one of those monsters, he doesn't really like it. It bites and tears, and it's hurtful and mean. And by the time I get it back on the short chain there is always weeks worth of damage done that must be cleared away and made right again, as if a tornado tore through it.
I have learned a lot of things in this marriage. I have learned that you can express what you think without having someone turn on you and vilify you for daring to have a different opinion. I've learned that you can rely on someone without putting yourself in danger of being castigated or used. I've learned that I really don't have to do everything myself or squelch my anger into tiny pellets of bitter frustration. I'm a better person for all that I have learned.
Ironically, this fact seems to have made me too intimidating to lie beside in ease.
He feel badly that he can't be as open-handed as I am, that things bother him that don't bother me. I don't know how to convince him that the compromises I'm making are no greater than the ones he's making. That marriage is by definition an act of jostling for position and compromise, give as well as take, and that being with him is worth the give.
I can't unleash the monsters. But myabe if I show him a little more of what's in that closet, it will be enough.