2010-08-25 03:27 pm (UTC)
Some things don't get any easier even if they are living with you...
My daughter, broke up with her boyfriend. She lives down the hall from me, and still, there wasn't more than it will get better comments to help. A hug, sure, but it doesn't make it any easier on you, or them.
They hit that age (19 +) where, they have to do the 'grownup' thing and all you can do is watch, and support whether in person or long distance.
Yeah, you kind of feel helpless no matter what, because you can't fix it.
Hang in there.
Many many huggles.
2010-08-25 03:37 pm (UTC)
Re: Some things don't get any easier even if they are living with you...
Thanks. It's true that I couldn't really DO much more. But I could at least give hugs!!
yeah. 2 years ago now, when my ex and i separated, my daughter got REALLY angry with me (hurt disguised as anger) that i was moving back to texas from florida. she was 24 at the time and had never lived far away from us. then her dad left florida for kentucky and now ohio. we're just *now* mending those hurts, and being able to talk about it.
in some ways i dont understand it because i left home and moved across country at 18. and have never lived close to my parents again until now. she has been a lot more hurt, and its that much worse now since she broke things off with her boyfriend of 4 years.
i'm glad you'll be there for the bridal gown extravaganza. :)
It's much harder to be the one left behind than to be the one going somewhere. I'm sorry you're all going through that.
I've had several friends as parents watch their kids go through this the past few years.
I tell them, if you're only now feeling helpless as a parent then I think you should be pretty proud.
Congratulations to Erin, and poor Amy. My father was laid off at the end of my senior year of high school, and we had to move that summer. Even though it was the same town, it was so hard for me to be making the transition to a new college where I didn't know anyone and also know that I'd never go to my childhood home again. And I remember having to go through things - it was awful. My heart goes out to Amy.
It's been pretty tough for her. Thanks.
Oh, yeah, that is definitely ALL wrong. It's crazy for parents to do that to their kids.
I'm sorry there is so much change and stress going on in your lives. My parents struggle with feelings of helplessness, too...and I figured that they would write me off long before I reached 28 ;)! Although I eventually pull through on my own, their phone calls and e-mails remind me that I have their support. It's probably a comfort to your daughters to know that you want to do more for them
I suppose. I try not to lay any guilt on them, just be there for them.
First off *hugs*
If it's of any comfort, I came to college in the US after having lived in Spain for 18 years. My immediately family was all in Spain so visits home weren't an option.
Thankfully for the first year I had some second cousins that took me in for Christmas and Thanksgiving but I didn't get the whole "weekend or spring break away". But then my sophomore year I created my own family made up of friends and my now husband.
That's what we did when we moved to Alaska, though we were a bit older. She's already made friends with someone via the magic of Facebook. I know she'll be okay, but...she's my baby. Y'know?
Good luck with the running of the brides! I'll send you some mental energy ;)
My daughter lives with her dad for school reasons, and even though we're in the same town, its across town and I feel like I'm missing out on so much of her life... she's a senior now... and already worrying about college, who she'll live with, where we will all be.... I'm just trying to enjoy the moments I do get.
It's good to enjoy those moments. We do appreciate them more because they are rarer.
Wow, that is a whole lot of change!
(Totally feel you on the part where you're hurting for them, but don't have much way to help!)
It is a lot. Kind of crazy-making. But we will get through.
You know someone is family when you feel torn up when they are in pain... And right now, I have a triple load - for you, Erin, and Amy... I wish I could give you a hug, go shopping with Erin and offer a surrogate "home" for Amy.
It will get better and Parent's Weekend is right around the corner!
Yes, it is. And Amy will come here for holidays, so this will still be home. It will work out. Just a little overwhelming right now.
Congratulations on your daughter's upcoming nuptials.
I hope the rest works itself out.
Thank you! It's scheduled for September next, tentatively, so we have some time for all the fun.
Your children are not your children; they are the living arrows shot from your bow. -Kahlil Gibran, in The Prophet.
This sentence has stayed with me since I first read it at 18. I knew I wanted lots of kids and would love them totally and would then have a hard time letting them go. This sentence reminds me that my children are not possessions to hug close and hang onto. My children belong to themselves. My job is to prepare them and guide them and aim them into the future.
Enjoy the shopping day and keep in touch with messages of support for both girls. My best wishes for everyone!
Oh, believe me, I've watched the smothering mom types and that is NOT going to happen here. We will definitely enjoy each other!
I can sympathize with this. I've been having some problems with my mother lately because if I share my pain with her she gets angry (not at me, at the person causing the pain, which 99% of the time is my dad) and tells me not to share it with her. But no one else really understands. I was the only kid still at home when my parents divorced, so I'm still closer to my dad than either of my brothers, so half the time they'll listen but they can't really sympathize. My best friend is the product of a happy, loving home, and despite having been with me through the worst parts of the divorce, still can't really understand how much it hurts. I'm sure my mother only hates hearing about it because she knows she can't fix it for me, but it still makes me feel kinda crappy not to be able to get it out to someone.
Um. So that is to say, I can sympathize with you from both angles. I get how it sucks not being able to be there for your loved ones, and also how it sucks not to have someone there when you need them. It's just suckitude all around. But I take solace in the fact that it will get better someday. I've at least learned enough to know that.
It's definitely tough. Thanks for the empathy!
I'm still a bit put out that not 3 years after I moved back to NE my parents sold the house, packed up and left. Now they want me to grab my grandmother and come to THEM for holidays because they have the dog. I spent a decade having to travel home for the holidays, now I'm home, they're retired and I still have to travel and take time off work? I DON'T WANT TO. Chances are high I might just spend them with Cody's family.
Yeah I'm also not quite over my folks putting my childhood home on the market 3 months before the wedding. I did not need more upheaval and WHAT IF IT SELLS contingency plans.
That is tough. Amy has known they were moving for a couple years - her dad basically talked his employer into not transferring him until she graduated from high school. So she doesn't have those same issues about the sale - in fact, she feels more attached to our house than theirs.
But what a pain in the but for you, you poor thing.
And now I REALLY feel your pain. I'm having to watch my daughter grow up in the harshest manner possible. She's learning that the world is a harsh place and not all parents are good ones. Sadly, it's with her best (and almost only) friend in this hellhole. When your parents are laying plans to help a child run away from home, you know the home life is screwed up. But my kiddo is getting shut out by people who said she was family.
Gini - I wish you could advise on MI family law... want to help - without getting arrested!
I'm sorry you're going through such pain, I wish I could help.