||[Mar. 22nd, 2012|06:18 pm]
Ferrett and one of his girlfriends had a misunderstanding over the weekend. He was telling me about their discussions over this misunderstanding. The details of the actual misunderstanding are completely irrelevant, and I know that Ferrett will think that my characterization of his explanation isn't terribly accurate, but this is how it sounded to me:|
"She was upset at me because she thought I was doing X, and I was upset with her because I thought she was doing Y. I told her that her reaction made me feel W, and she was hurt that I felt that way, and meanwhile I thought her reaction to X was unfair, so we had to work that out, and then there was Z...."
And I just looked at him and said, "Why are you guys even still talking about this?!" And he looked at me, startled, boggled and clearly hurt that I didn't understand how important all this communication was.
The reality is, Ferrett and I have very different communication styles. For me, communication about the relationship is about the most boring thing that one can DO in a relationship. If you did something that I'm upset about, I'll ask about it, and if it was something you didn't mean to do, then cool, let's not do that again. My general belief about the people I'm involved with are good-hearted, well-meaning, and occasionally phenomenally clueless.
Just like me.
I don't like talking about The Relationship. I just want to get on with things, hang out, cuddle up, and have laughs.
Ferrett is much more romantic with his other partners, and gives them much more of himself than I give of myself. He is continually texting and emailing with them, sending them silly pictures, interesting links, and all the little bits of communication that make a relationship.
His secondary relationships are much more vibrant and closer because of his communication style. It makes him more a part of their lives, and them more part of his.
I admire that, even as I don't actually want it for myself. Ferrett asked how often my boyfriend and I communicate with each other. The answer most weeks is maybe a couple texts, a few emails a month.
He looked at me incredulously. "That would drive me crazy."
It doesn't drive me and S crazy. It works for us. The kind of daily communication that Ferrett shares with the number of people he shares with would drive me crazy. I would be exhausted by it.
Neither is superior, neither is The One True Way. And despite our differences, we manage to communicate with each other. I just have to remember that as crazy as his style seems to me, it works for him.