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Farewell [Dec. 6th, 2013|11:14 am]
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Yesterday started out so awesomely. I finished a project ahead of the deadline, then decided that, even though I have a ton of work to do this weekend, I would take advantage of a small window of nice weather and get up all the outdoor Yule lights. Then in the evening we were gaming with friends. Then the phone rang.

My stepfather died yesterday evening. We had a house full of people when my niece called, and I just sort of fell to the floor. Everyone was wonderful and kind and stuck around to see it they could help, but of course there is nothing to be done, really.

My sister said that she had left Mom at dialysis and gone up to see Carey, and that even though his stats weren't changed, she could suddenly tell that something was wrong. She rushed back to get Mom from dialysis, and they got back to the hospital just 15 minutes before he died.

Mom doesn't want anyone to come to Montana at this time. There will not be a funeral. Instead, she wants us to come next summer and have a memorial for him that is a picnic and family gathering. It's what he wanted. I can barely begin to imagine what she's going through. Last night I put my arms around Ferrett and whispered to him, "Thank you so much for not dying."

I'm feeling sad and in shock and kind of ... not numb, but like the world is all being muffled through cotton wadding. Like I can't quite move forward. I have a huge amount of work I need to get through in the next two days, but I can't really get myself started on anything.

I am glad that I got the Christmas lights up outside yesterday before all this happened. I can't imagine trying to do it today.

It's gotten to be so many things too much in 2013 that I can't even muster being angry with it anymore. It's defeated me.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: halfmoon_mollie
2013-12-06 04:25 pm (UTC)

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I am so very sorry for your loss. It's difficult enough any time of year, but now around the holidays it seems magnified. Kudos to your Mom for doing what he wanted....

And hugs to you.
[User Picture]From: the_siobhan
2013-12-06 05:20 pm (UTC)

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That is so hard. I'm sorry you are going through this.
[User Picture]From: quennessa
2013-12-06 05:35 pm (UTC)

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I am so sorry for your loss.
[User Picture]From: reikirockerchic
2013-12-06 05:49 pm (UTC)

Hugs & Condolences

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2013 has been rough for so many, including you two.
[User Picture]From: miintikwa
2013-12-06 06:22 pm (UTC)

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I am so sorry
[User Picture]From: stripedsocks
2013-12-06 07:21 pm (UTC)

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I'm so, so sorry. Many hugs.
[User Picture]From: roniliquidity
2013-12-06 07:38 pm (UTC)

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I'm sorry for your loss.

It may sound odd, but meditation helped me a lot with grief and despair. I went to a meditation group where you focused on your breathing for 30 minutes; cool breath in, warm breath out. Just giving myself a weekly break from thinking helped a lot when I felt like I might go crazy because I couldn't stand any more.
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2013-12-06 08:53 pm (UTC)

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That's not a bad idea. I've been thinking about going to a yoga class, which might accomplish the same thing.
[User Picture]From: ba1126
2013-12-06 07:59 pm (UTC)

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I'm so sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year. The 'numbness' is normal. It's good to hear that your Mom and sister were able to be there. Be sure to take care of yourself, good rest and good food and plenty of hugs from Ferrett and friends. Allow yourself to take in and feel all the love that's offered, whether it's LJ words or neighbors bringing cookies or friends sending cards. Take care.
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2013-12-06 08:54 pm (UTC)

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Thank you. I am slammed with work through this weekend, so trying to get that done so I can just take the room to breathe.
[User Picture]From: kagomeshuko
2013-12-06 08:03 pm (UTC)

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I'm sorry for your loss.
[User Picture]From: coeli
2013-12-06 08:17 pm (UTC)

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You have my deepest condolences. Be kind to yourself in this difficult time.
[User Picture]From: labelleizzy
2013-12-06 08:50 pm (UTC)

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oh my dear. *hug* I am so sorry for your loss, your mom's and your family's loss.
[User Picture]From: waya
2013-12-06 08:58 pm (UTC)

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Thoughts and sympathy with you. Losing a father is hard. This is the first holiday season without mine. Blessed be.
[User Picture]From: wilhelmina_d
2013-12-06 09:01 pm (UTC)

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So sorry to hear of your loss. I send all my good wishes to you and your family.
[User Picture]From: mysteri
2013-12-06 09:29 pm (UTC)

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I am so sorry.You have good thoughts and prayers and a freezing hug from Idaho. The new year is a month away may you have a better 2014 than 2013.
[User Picture]From: dandelion_diva
2013-12-06 11:04 pm (UTC)

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I'm so very sorry.
[User Picture]From: naamah_darling
2013-12-06 11:17 pm (UTC)

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I send you love and peace and strength. I wish I could help, or offer advice. You will be in my thoughts. <3
[User Picture]From: lyssabard
2013-12-06 11:23 pm (UTC)

*HUG*

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I wish you peace to your grief, love, whenever it can come.

In the meantime, I love you.
[User Picture]From: lurkmaster10
2013-12-07 01:05 am (UTC)

Re: *HUG*

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I'm very sorry for your loss.
[User Picture]From: kellirose1313
2013-12-07 03:21 am (UTC)

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Y'all have been through so much all for just one year. It's a testament to your strengths & support that you've both made it through it all.

Edited at 2013-12-07 03:22 am (UTC)
From: anonymousalex
2013-12-07 05:12 am (UTC)

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There is nothing to be done, save offering condolences and support. So that is what I am offering.

-Alex
[User Picture]From: midnightsjane
2013-12-07 11:38 am (UTC)

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I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies to you and all your family.
*Hugs*
[User Picture]From: dana3
2013-12-07 12:41 pm (UTC)

Snoopy hugs!

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I'm so sorry ... deaths when you're too far away just suck. I'm sending you Snoopy hugs, hoping they'll give you a smile through the tears.

If you're close with your Mom, you might want to ignore what she's saying and get on an airplane anyway. People get all funny about "you kids are so busy, I don't want to bother you" ... while inside, they're really hoping you'll care enough to value them first. Depends on your relationship, but just a thought to share.

Peace to his spirit, and comfort to you who mourn.
[User Picture]From: perseph12
2013-12-07 06:01 pm (UTC)

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I cannot wait for 2013 to be over. It's been too painful for me and my friends.

My condolences to you and your family. I am relieved that you were surrounded by friends when you got the news. I also think it's beautiful that your mom wants to honor her husband in the way he requested.

[User Picture]From: roadnotes
2013-12-07 09:45 pm (UTC)

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My thoughts are with you....
[User Picture]From: mplsindygirl
2013-12-07 10:07 pm (UTC)

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Oh love, too much is too much. Sending thoughts of peace and calm to you.
[User Picture]From: tormentedartist
2013-12-08 04:38 am (UTC)

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*hugs you*
[User Picture]From: crimsonlegend
2013-12-09 05:14 am (UTC)

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I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs to you*