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"I found a fabulous fare from Seattle to Cleveland," I told her.… - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Dec. 16th, 2003|11:50 pm]
[Current Mood |broken]

"I found a fabulous fare from Seattle to Cleveland," I told her. "You should come and visit us."

My mother doesn't have a job right now. They've just moved to the Puget Sound area, and she had been complaining in an earlier e-mail that she was bored and lonely during the day while her husband, Cary, was at work.

"You can see your grandkids," I urged. "Amy doesn't even remember you, and Michele would love it if you came."

My sister Michele is fighting her way toward the end of a hellish divorce from a raging asshole of a man. She has four kids of her own. She lives about 40 miles away, and we don't see each other nearly enough, between my school and her working all the overtime she can to make ends meet.

"You can stay with me part of it, and Michele the rest. It's not going to cost you anything."

The last time my kids saw their gramma, Erin was eight and Amy was two. I don't know when Michele's kids saw her.

She called back later in the day. This was really a bad time, they'd only just moved there, what if bad weather kept her away more than the six days, she wished she could but she just couldn't.

"Of course," I said. "I completely understand. I'll watch for more good fares, maybe later in the year. Maybe next year."

And hung up. And returned to the living room to watch the rest of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

And was completely hysterical by the end of it. She's our MOTHER. She's not DOING anything. Why can't she make a FREE fucking trip to see half her children and six of her grandchildren?

I've been crying for three hours now. I have a final tomorrow. I don't know when I'll be able to go to sleep.

Do we ever grow old enough not to feel abandoned?

[User Picture]From: kathrynrose
2003-12-16 09:06 pm (UTC)

I wish I had something profound to say. Remember that you're loved.
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[User Picture]From: i_descend
2003-12-16 09:13 pm (UTC)
No one can hurt you like your mother can. I'm so sorry. <3
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[User Picture]From: albumlady
2003-12-16 09:13 pm (UTC)
Oh hon... I'm so sorry.... I was just thinking of you as I was posting, wondering how you were doing this evening, then saw this.

I'm 35 and my mother is still completely capable of making me feel that way when she's in a mood. Especially when I'm tired, and girlfriend - you're EXHAUSTED!

I can't say I know exactly how you feel. You have more on your plate right now than I can comprehend, so I won't pretend I know. But - I do care, and if you need to scream, I'm here and I'll listen! Please feel free to e-mail me - heck, I'd even share my phone number with you!

Sending you warm, calming, peaceful, loving, healing thoughts - please do try to get some sleep, your body and mind both need it so.
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[User Picture]From: mizdandylynn
2003-12-16 09:21 pm (UTC)
I wish I could pull you close and hug you tightly. No, we never do grow over that part of it. I am glad you at least broke that cycle and love your children enough to sacrifice all you do for them. *hugs*
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From: fmh
2003-12-16 09:30 pm (UTC)
None of my siblings, nor either parent will come visit me. It sucks, I know. So my world begins and ends with cyriael and our kids, and I just don't worry about what any of the rest of the family thinks. Might have to reconcile yourself to the fact that they just aren't going to ake the effort, call it 'unfortunate', then put it behind you and embrace what you have. I don't mean to sound callous, of course I know its not as easy as that sounds, but its what you may have to do if your ever going to let her stop getting to you.
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[User Picture]From: salix_03
2003-12-16 09:33 pm (UTC)
ah sweetie, im sorry. i wish i had something to tell you to make it better. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: kibbles
2003-12-17 05:27 am (UTC)
Well she sounds kind of depressed. It's not abandonment, you have to remember that. She's bored, lonely, probably depressed, and doesn't have the drive to make the trip. Of course it would be the best medicine, a real boost, to go see you guys.

A lot of times the parent thing gets a lot better when you're an adult, and out of the house, and with kids of your own. But sometimes it just brings a whole new set of problems to try to figure out.
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[User Picture]From: myshanter
2003-12-17 05:58 am (UTC)


I really understand. My mom has never come to visit me in 19 years of being out of her home. This includes when she lived two hours away and I almost died giving birth; she did not meet her new grandson until I was out of the hospital and drove to see HER. She also did not come to my wedding. My sister, on the other hand, she flew to another state to go see for both events. This Christmas, I was very excited; she was coming to see my sister for Christmas from Oregon and then drive over to see me as well, but of course the plans have fallen through.

Gini, just remember, you and the girls are loved by lots of people. This situation hurts and saying that doesn't help a lot, but it's very, very true. You and Michele stick together, and it will work out somehow. I still hold out hope that I won't always be chasing my mom hoping for affection. She just doesn't know how to show it to me, and I have to accept that. Argh...I hope I haven't completely offended you in my attempt to show sympathy.
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[User Picture]From: dreagoddess
2003-12-17 07:30 am (UTC)
No, you never do. Parents can always bring out the best and worst feelings in you. *hugs* Just remember that you have a great husband, fabulous kids, and a lot of friends who love you.
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[User Picture]From: hookncrook
2003-12-17 07:49 am (UTC)
Call her and tell her how you feel about this... Really you need too. My mother had the same problem with her parents. They had a free ticket every year (cause my uncle worked at Delta) and they only came and visited us 3 times my whole life, and they made my mother save up money for two years (every two years) just to fly out and see them!

Finally after 20 years she told them how she felt about that and they were in shock about it... They never considered THEY should have been taking the free flights to see her and let her save money for her family instead of spending $1000's every two years just to fly and see them... I was so proud she got it off her chest instead of crying every summer when they didn't come see her.
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From: kpollock
2003-12-17 09:45 am (UTC)
Wow. Whereas it wouldn't bother me one bit. I never know what to say to my mother when she phones, and I am (and always have been) that infamous non-calling child. At least with Dad we can talk some kind of tech. I don't dislike my mother at all, just that we have never been at all close - at least not from my side.

I don't really ever call my sister either (and vice versa).

In fact, I never phone anybody other than to make neccesary arrangements.

Maybe we could swap mothers?

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From: (Anonymous)
2003-12-17 02:16 pm (UTC)

MOO (Mother Of Origin)

I had this same problem with my mom and sister for years and years.

Then my MOO did something irretrievably unforgiveable that's pretty boring to everybody but me, so I stopped calling altogether, or accepting her calls, and everything she snail-mailed to me got bounced right back.

I guess I never even had *any* kind of relationship with my sister, so there wasn't anything to break off with there.

Cutting my MOO out of my life may have been one of the major reasons I'm still alive to type this.

- AS
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From: (Anonymous)
2003-12-17 02:24 pm (UTC)

Re: MOO (Mother Of Origin)

Oops.. didn't want to imply that this is a solution that will work for
everybody who has problems with their parents.

I wouldn't *want* anybody to follow my example. Nobody's relationship with their family should be broken enough for that to even be a viable consideration.

It was the solution that worked for me. I can't summon up any emotions about it, either good or bad. For me, it was like clearing out a houseplant that'd been long dead, and was into the stage of turning into dust.

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From: kpollock
2003-12-18 04:03 am (UTC)

Re: MOO (Mother Of Origin)

I just can't understand why anyone would have any interest in the mundane trivia of my life, or imagine that I would have any interest in theirs. We all have our own lives and interests, don't we?

I also (reasonably) assume that everyone is just fine until informed otherwise - and have every confidence that if they are not fine, I shall be told. No-one ever needs to phone me to basically say "i'm fine".
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[User Picture]From: kathrynrose
2003-12-17 07:15 pm (UTC)
How did the final go?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-12-17 07:19 pm (UTC)
Well - just wrote about it.

Now to bed!
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