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It's amazing how much a little organization can acomplish. I have… - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Oct. 29th, 2002|08:16 am]
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It's amazing how much a little organization can acomplish. I have completed my contracts reading for the week this morning, and organized the cases for my next legal writing project. I feel awake, alert, and generally more satisfied with myself.

All because I have a job interview at 11 requiring me to structure my day.

I am not happy with this tendency to "drift" on days when I don't have anything other than class at 6 to serve as a parameter. I don't get it--what is it about the way that I "tick" that makes a busy day so much easier to handle? I have this need for externally-imposed boundaries that irritates me. And yet, I have to say that it's not that I'm NOT getting the things done I need to do on the other days. They just don't have the sharp, bright edges that signify beginnings and ends. I don't like smudginess in my daily life. It makes me restless.

So why can't I impose that internally? Why do I continue to need an outside force for those parameters? I know what makes me comfortable, why do I avoid it? Do I fear getting comfortable without the outside imposition?

I have no answers, just a feeling of accomplishment and a vague dissatisfaction with myself.

[User Picture]From: theferrett
2002-10-29 06:52 am (UTC)

I Told You, Sweets...

...You're afraid to commit. I've given you an artificial schedule and deadlines before, and you've shrugged them off. I'm 90% sure that subconsciously, if you create a workable schedule that makes you work during the day, you believe that you'll be warding off a job.

Creating a schedule that may or may not be temporary is a Good Thing, sweetie, but for you it's a sign of failure. Is it any wonder that you can't?
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2002-10-29 07:18 am (UTC)

Re: I Told You, Sweets...

I think you're absolutely right. If I manage to be competent while unemployed, then there is the fear that I will give into the part of me that wants to stay unemployed, go to school fulltime and have time to write and accomplish other things. So it's much safer to stay scattered and point to it and say, "Look! I can't possibly stay focused without outside assistance! I MUST find work!"

That prospect is much too scary. How would we survive????
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[User Picture]From: lyssabard
2002-10-29 07:25 am (UTC)

Re: I Told You, Sweets...

*looks confused* Forgive me, I would give advice, but I think the Ferrett just covered it--and he knows you best, anywho. :)

Besides, i got the Caffeine DTs this morning so my brain may not be in good order.

But DAMN can I type fast!

*hugs you both*

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