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I'll try to be worse.... - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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I'll try to be worse.... [Jun. 15th, 2003|01:11 pm]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

The person I love best in the world is having trouble living with me because I'm too perfect. I'm too agreeable, too generous, too kind, too accommodating, and it makes him feel like he doesn't measure up. My stability and capability make him feel inferior.

I don't know how to deal with this. I know what I'm really like. Inside I am petty, grasping, smug, insecure. I point out my accomplishments so people will think I'm terrific, I hide my flaws so people won't know I have them. I have all my monsters on fairly short leashes, but I do have monsters.

Being a good person is the central goal of my life, because I know what I would be like if I didn't keep all that in check. No one would like that person. When I lose control of one of those monsters, he doesn't really like it. It bites and tears, and it's hurtful and mean. And by the time I get it back on the short chain there is always weeks worth of damage done that must be cleared away and made right again, as if a tornado tore through it.

I have learned a lot of things in this marriage. I have learned that you can express what you think without having someone turn on you and vilify you for daring to have a different opinion. I've learned that you can rely on someone without putting yourself in danger of being castigated or used. I've learned that I really don't have to do everything myself or squelch my anger into tiny pellets of bitter frustration. I'm a better person for all that I have learned.

Ironically, this fact seems to have made me too intimidating to lie beside in ease.

He feel badly that he can't be as open-handed as I am, that things bother him that don't bother me. I don't know how to convince him that the compromises I'm making are no greater than the ones he's making. That marriage is by definition an act of jostling for position and compromise, give as well as take, and that being with him is worth the give.

I can't unleash the monsters. But myabe if I show him a little more of what's in that closet, it will be enough.

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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-06-15 08:38 pm (UTC)

Re: Silly rabbit...

I'm not debating your analysis in the least, but---


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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-06-16 02:20 pm (UTC)

Re: Okay...

Probably the best advice we could possibly be given: Get your heads out of your asses!!!

Thanks, dude. You made my day [g]
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[User Picture]From: brownsfan56
2003-06-16 12:00 am (UTC)

Sounds Familiar...

You know, so much about this post sounds very familiar.

I know my wife has faults, just as I have faults. But, interestingly enough, my wife is my foil, and I understand this. In many ways, all those things about my wife that make her perfect to me are the same things that are exactly opposite of how I am. And, yes, I feel inferior to her much of the time.

I can't freely express myself the same way that my wife can. I can't seem to keep everything straight and under control the way she is able to. I'm much less secure in our marriage than she is, if only because I realize that she probably would have little trouble in finding someone better than me. She can function in chaos, whereas I need things ordered.

Yes, I feel I am inferior to my wife, and it depresses me at times. But, through our eight years together, I've gradually come to realize that she also feels inferior to me because of our differences in abilities. We each see a form of perfection in the other based on the negatives of ourselves.

Does it make life any easier realizing this? Probably not. Does this make everything in our lives perfectly blissful and happy? Well, I can't say that either. But, I can say that it gives us more balance than either of us would have otherwise. And, I feel our marriage is better for it.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2003-06-16 02:23 pm (UTC)

Re: Sounds Familiar...

Exactly. It's convincing him that he contributes that's sometimes tough. He just thinks I'm crazy for thinking he's terrific.

We're doing a bit better now that we've talked about it. Things are mellow again.

Thanks for the support.
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