?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Half an hour, and completely terrified - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness Page 2 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Half an hour, and completely terrified [May. 24th, 2011|10:15 am]
Zoethe
Guys, I'm going to the doctor today. This is huge for me. Because of my depression, I've been hiding in in a steadily deteriorating state, growing so inert that some days I feel cast in amber.

Today I'm going to my physician and doing something that's damned near impossible for me: asking for help. I know my cholesterol level is high, I have continued to gain weight, my exercise has been almost nonexistent, and I'm deeply depressed - not the "I'm sad and miserable and constantly crying" depressed, but the "I don't need the world; I can just hole up here in a dark room and sleep" depressed. Which is harder for me to recognize and acknowledge as genuine depression. After all, with enough motivation I can overcome my inertia for a while and I still enjoy some things in life. But I also feel like half this year has slipped away while I've been mostly asleep.

So I need to make changes. Changes for my physical health and changes for my mental health. I've fallen into appallingly bad eating patterns because food is comforting - even though I know that comfort is ephemeral. I haven't been doing anything creative, because it's too much effort. I think about getting out my bike, but somehow never do it.

I avoid journaling, because I find myself repugnant just now and why should I burden all of you with this.

See, I'm supposed to be with-it and together and capable. And in my mind you guys must only like me for those qualities. So if I'm not those things, then I disappoint people - people here, my family and loves, my friends. I don't believe I'm likable just for me, only for what I can give.

I feel like I'm a fake, and trying to hide being a fake. And that has made me alternate between apathetic and cranky. I'm sure I've hurt people's feelings with some abrupt and cantankerous comments that weren't deserved. If I owe you an apology, please tell me so that I can try to make amends.

Mostly right now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to make the changes that I need to make to improve my life and health. I'm scared because right now every part of me is screaming "I don't WANNA!!! I wanna eat Cheetos and melt into the couch." I'm scared that I'll make changes and then backslide again and it will all be worse.

Now it's time to get in the car and go to the doctor. And I'm scared of doing that and posting this. But I'm going to do both.
LinkReply

Comments:
Page 2 of 5
<<[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] >>
[User Picture]From: halfmoon_mollie
2011-05-24 03:03 pm (UTC)
you are taking the first step. A journey always begins with a first step.

I have been where you are. I won't say I know how you feel, because no one knows exactly how another feels. But I know it's awful and I know what you're doing takes GUTS. Go, you.

Of course you are scared. But you know somewhere I read that a truly brave person isn't someone who isn't afraid. It's someone who is afraid, but does it anyway.

You're brave. I applaud you and admire you.

Really.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:09 am (UTC)
Thank you, it's deeply appreciated!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: plinko
2011-05-24 03:06 pm (UTC)
You can do it! We believe in you. :D :D

I know these feelings all too well. Your doctor can definitely help you, so it is VERY worth it to go. I was in your same position about a year ago, and my doctor gave me both advice and medication and, while I'm not always peppy, I do feel quite a bit better now.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tylik
2011-05-24 03:25 pm (UTC)
Just a slightly differently perspective:

There are medical support for many of these things. That all having been said, if a doctor tells you to just stop whining and suck it up, or keeps telling you to do things that just aren't working, or tells you everyone feels like this, and that's just how it is... don't beat yourself up, don't give up, don't despair... just fire the doctor and find someone else.

I think it's pretty likely you won't have to take that measure, but it's important to know that if your first consult doesn't work, that doesn't mean you are out of options. (Eleven years ago I was told my prognosis was "you need to accept that you're never going to be able to live an active life again". Ha! I mean, yeah, my spine issues are an ongoing process of negotiation, but you can't say I'm not active.)

Oh, yeah, and if you have any interest, I do teach Taiji, which is a pretty darned fine way of re-making friends with your body and getting more active. I'll be starting another beginning class after we move... though recently a few folks apparently decided that they didn't want to wait and jumped into an ongoing class, so it's a mixed group there. (And it's free.)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: etain
2011-05-24 03:19 pm (UTC)
I'm proud that you're taking the steps to go to the doctor. I know it's really hard, and really awesome that you're doing it.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:12 am (UTC)
Thanks so much.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: forestmaster
2011-05-24 03:21 pm (UTC)
Knowing is half the battle... and being willing to do something to change this path. My day calendar has this message today: "If I truly want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control - myself.".

Hope the physician can help you get back on the right path of who, what and where you want to be. I got fed up with my weight last year and the time was right for me to find something new. I found a crossfit gym and started eating differently - following more of the Paleo Diet. In many different types of diets, the common denominators seem to be eating more lean protein and lots of veggies. Fruit, too... but lots of veggies.

Paleo in particular talks about getting back to what our ancestors evolved to eat over the last several million years... hunter/gatherer lifestyle. Getting rid of most/all gluten, legumes, dairy and sugar (including artificial sweeteners). Side effects of this happen to be that by eating this way you eliminate a lot of food allergies. After trying this for say a month, you might start adding in a certain food or type of food and then seeing how you feel after eating it.

Keeping a food log was mentioned above and REALLY helped me to see the effects of certain foods after not having them for a while. Staying hydrated (recommended to drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces of water/day) and getting sufficient sleep also help a lot (am doing a challenge through my gym at the moment that includes getting a certain amount of sleep/night and the last couple nights of warmer weather with the windows open to prevent using AC resulting in less sleep have been instrumental in reminding me that yes, sleep is critical and makes a difference on state of mind, health, and well being, too.)

Anyway... as others have said, if you have questions or want to bounce ideas off me, I'm available. I like you. I have never met you, so I'm not sure what you've given, other than sharing your thoughts on a wide variety of topics and admitting to being human with a lot of stellar qualities and some areas where you'd like to do better, just like a lot of other people here on LJ and elsewhere.

Change is scary, but necessary. Some quote I read that I can't remember who said goes something like - What a caterpillar considers the end of the world, the master considers a butterfly.

[hugs] Thank you for having the courage to post this and go to the doctor to take the next step toward getting or finding the help you need.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:17 am (UTC)
Paleo is interesting to me, except for no bread, and I've just gotten really good at making it!

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: fallconsmate
2011-05-24 03:22 pm (UTC)
You have friends in person and online who love you and want the best for you. I'm happy for you that you're reaching out. *hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sacramentalist
2011-05-24 03:32 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:22 am (UTC)
Thanks.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: custardfairy
2011-05-24 03:36 pm (UTC)
Sending you so much love and support. I like you for you, warts and all. We all have them, you know. ;)
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:22 am (UTC)
Thank you, dear!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: enderfem
2011-05-24 03:40 pm (UTC)
I know how hard all of that can be (though not how hard it is for you individually, no one else can know that.) Just. Sending you support and love and good thoughts and hoping something works.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:23 am (UTC)
Much appreciated.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: twinkelbelpeach
2011-05-24 03:45 pm (UTC)
I recognize that depression; the one where your brain feels like it's covered in cobwebs. Once upon a time, a long time ago, I spent over a year just sitting in a rocking chair with a bowl of fudge. If the house had caught on fire, I don't think I would have reacted more than to observe "interesting." It took a combination of the right shrink and the right medication to get me on my feet again. Please search until you find that combination for yourself because it can be done. I can't begin to tell you how much I have loved life in the years since those cobwebs went away.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:25 am (UTC)
I haven't gotten quite to the rocking chair phase, but it's been close. Thanks for the support, I can really use it.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: teaa
2011-05-24 03:46 pm (UTC)
*love* I hope you find some relief soon. I wish I could offer something more substantial than internet support. But I'm here with all the e-love you could want, baby! *hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:26 am (UTC)
Thank you for what you can give, dear.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:30 am (UTC)

Re: You are awesome, and brave, and beautiful

Thank you so very much. I really appreciate the love.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: weds
2011-05-24 04:08 pm (UTC)
You really are awesome, and it's good that you're doing this.

See DW: I can sympathize, greatly.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:30 am (UTC)
Thanks so much, dear.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: corvaxgirl
2011-05-24 04:11 pm (UTC)
I relate to this all too well and I'm glad you're taking these steps to help yourself.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:31 am (UTC)
Thanks.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: kyburg
2011-05-24 04:21 pm (UTC)
Let us know what you find out - BTDT.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: mariness
2011-05-24 04:24 pm (UTC)
:: hugs ::

Believe me, I get this. Very much.

Good luck with the process, and I'm glad you're doing this.

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:31 am (UTC)
Thanks so much,
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
Page 2 of 5
<<[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] >>