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Half an hour, and completely terrified - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness Page 5 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Half an hour, and completely terrified [May. 24th, 2011|10:15 am]
Zoethe
Guys, I'm going to the doctor today. This is huge for me. Because of my depression, I've been hiding in in a steadily deteriorating state, growing so inert that some days I feel cast in amber.

Today I'm going to my physician and doing something that's damned near impossible for me: asking for help. I know my cholesterol level is high, I have continued to gain weight, my exercise has been almost nonexistent, and I'm deeply depressed - not the "I'm sad and miserable and constantly crying" depressed, but the "I don't need the world; I can just hole up here in a dark room and sleep" depressed. Which is harder for me to recognize and acknowledge as genuine depression. After all, with enough motivation I can overcome my inertia for a while and I still enjoy some things in life. But I also feel like half this year has slipped away while I've been mostly asleep.

So I need to make changes. Changes for my physical health and changes for my mental health. I've fallen into appallingly bad eating patterns because food is comforting - even though I know that comfort is ephemeral. I haven't been doing anything creative, because it's too much effort. I think about getting out my bike, but somehow never do it.

I avoid journaling, because I find myself repugnant just now and why should I burden all of you with this.

See, I'm supposed to be with-it and together and capable. And in my mind you guys must only like me for those qualities. So if I'm not those things, then I disappoint people - people here, my family and loves, my friends. I don't believe I'm likable just for me, only for what I can give.

I feel like I'm a fake, and trying to hide being a fake. And that has made me alternate between apathetic and cranky. I'm sure I've hurt people's feelings with some abrupt and cantankerous comments that weren't deserved. If I owe you an apology, please tell me so that I can try to make amends.

Mostly right now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to make the changes that I need to make to improve my life and health. I'm scared because right now every part of me is screaming "I don't WANNA!!! I wanna eat Cheetos and melt into the couch." I'm scared that I'll make changes and then backslide again and it will all be worse.

Now it's time to get in the car and go to the doctor. And I'm scared of doing that and posting this. But I'm going to do both.
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[User Picture]From: triskelmoon
2011-05-28 04:46 am (UTC)
I'm very behind on lj and just saw this. I'm so glad you went, that was a very brave thing to do at a time where it sounds like bravery is hard. I've had situational depression before and my husband has it. Asking for help is one of the hardest parts.

*offers hugs*
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-28 04:51 am (UTC)
Hugs and support heartily welcomed. It's still scary, but I at least feel like I'm moving forward.
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[User Picture]From: happydog
2011-05-29 06:12 am (UTC)
I haven't been around much. But you are pretty marvelous and I want you to know that.

When you go back to the doctor, ask him if you can try Deplin. Deplin + Welbutrin really helps me, a lot.

If you need to, you can e-mail me.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-29 01:41 pm (UTC)
Thanks, dude. I feel like I haven't been around much, either. Hoping that this will change that.

I will look into Deplin. Thanks. And thanks for the offer of emailing. I'll definitely keep it in mind.
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[User Picture]From: wolflady26
2011-05-29 07:36 am (UTC)
I'm way late responding to this, but I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you made progress, and how sorry I am to hear you've been feeling depressed. Lots of love and hugs!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-29 01:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks, dear. It's much appreciated. We will see this week how the new therapist works out. Medications so far can't really tell yet, but that's to be expected. Of course I want everything perfect now, but trying to be patient!
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[User Picture]From: wolflady26
2011-05-29 04:13 pm (UTC)
It takes a lot of courage to make a change. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the medications are the right ones the first time. Hang in there, and you've got all my best wishes.
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[User Picture]From: fitfool
2011-05-30 03:59 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, it takes a lot of strength and self-awareness to recognize that you need help, seek out such help, and accept it. So yeah...you're still with-it and together and capable and still setting a good example for the rest of us. Hope your doc is helpful.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-30 04:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much.
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