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Half an hour, and completely terrified - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Half an hour, and completely terrified [May. 24th, 2011|10:15 am]
Zoethe
Guys, I'm going to the doctor today. This is huge for me. Because of my depression, I've been hiding in in a steadily deteriorating state, growing so inert that some days I feel cast in amber.

Today I'm going to my physician and doing something that's damned near impossible for me: asking for help. I know my cholesterol level is high, I have continued to gain weight, my exercise has been almost nonexistent, and I'm deeply depressed - not the "I'm sad and miserable and constantly crying" depressed, but the "I don't need the world; I can just hole up here in a dark room and sleep" depressed. Which is harder for me to recognize and acknowledge as genuine depression. After all, with enough motivation I can overcome my inertia for a while and I still enjoy some things in life. But I also feel like half this year has slipped away while I've been mostly asleep.

So I need to make changes. Changes for my physical health and changes for my mental health. I've fallen into appallingly bad eating patterns because food is comforting - even though I know that comfort is ephemeral. I haven't been doing anything creative, because it's too much effort. I think about getting out my bike, but somehow never do it.

I avoid journaling, because I find myself repugnant just now and why should I burden all of you with this.

See, I'm supposed to be with-it and together and capable. And in my mind you guys must only like me for those qualities. So if I'm not those things, then I disappoint people - people here, my family and loves, my friends. I don't believe I'm likable just for me, only for what I can give.

I feel like I'm a fake, and trying to hide being a fake. And that has made me alternate between apathetic and cranky. I'm sure I've hurt people's feelings with some abrupt and cantankerous comments that weren't deserved. If I owe you an apology, please tell me so that I can try to make amends.

Mostly right now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to make the changes that I need to make to improve my life and health. I'm scared because right now every part of me is screaming "I don't WANNA!!! I wanna eat Cheetos and melt into the couch." I'm scared that I'll make changes and then backslide again and it will all be worse.

Now it's time to get in the car and go to the doctor. And I'm scared of doing that and posting this. But I'm going to do both.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: plinko
2011-05-24 03:06 pm (UTC)
You can do it! We believe in you. :D :D

I know these feelings all too well. Your doctor can definitely help you, so it is VERY worth it to go. I was in your same position about a year ago, and my doctor gave me both advice and medication and, while I'm not always peppy, I do feel quite a bit better now.
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[User Picture]From: tylik
2011-05-24 03:25 pm (UTC)
Just a slightly differently perspective:

There are medical support for many of these things. That all having been said, if a doctor tells you to just stop whining and suck it up, or keeps telling you to do things that just aren't working, or tells you everyone feels like this, and that's just how it is... don't beat yourself up, don't give up, don't despair... just fire the doctor and find someone else.

I think it's pretty likely you won't have to take that measure, but it's important to know that if your first consult doesn't work, that doesn't mean you are out of options. (Eleven years ago I was told my prognosis was "you need to accept that you're never going to be able to live an active life again". Ha! I mean, yeah, my spine issues are an ongoing process of negotiation, but you can't say I'm not active.)

Oh, yeah, and if you have any interest, I do teach Taiji, which is a pretty darned fine way of re-making friends with your body and getting more active. I'll be starting another beginning class after we move... though recently a few folks apparently decided that they didn't want to wait and jumped into an ongoing class, so it's a mixed group there. (And it's free.)
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[User Picture]From: aiela
2011-05-24 03:28 pm (UTC)
The first doctor I ever went to told me that clearly I wasn't depressed because I got out of bed and went to work every day, and people who were depressed didn't do that.

Two suicide attempts later I actually found a doctor who was clueful.
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[User Picture]From: xhollydayx
2011-05-24 05:22 pm (UTC)
Whhhhaaaaa? I am so offended by that comment. That's like saying someone is not an alcoholic b/c they don't attend meetings or they dont' black out every night or drink every night. That is such crap. I'm glad you found a good doctor, and even more glad that you're still around. (I did also have a doctor who didn't unerstand how serious I was about my depression... I have a good doctor now)
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:21 am (UTC)
Fortunately, my doc is not like that. And I am going into the therapy with the idea that it has to fit me.

Do let me know about the class. I'm not sure it will fit into my schedule, but I would like to know about it. Thanks!
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[User Picture]From: tylik
2011-05-25 01:25 am (UTC)
If you drop me an email address (my lj address works), I can add you to the list. Once things settle down a bit (I'm hoping to at least know whether I'm going to need spine surgery...) I'll send out a general announcement / question of who is available when. Right now there is a class at 1:30 on Sundays. If there is an additional class, it will probably be early evenings. I suspect the evening class is mostly likely to be the beginning one, but a lot is up in the air right now.
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[User Picture]From: tylik
2011-05-25 01:26 am (UTC)
And congrats on the non-evil doctor, and approaching therapy with an great attitude.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 02:10 am (UTC)
Thanks!
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 02:07 am (UTC)
An evening is better for me, as long as it's not Tuesday!
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[User Picture]From: tylik
2011-05-25 02:17 am (UTC)
Tuesday is a complete non starter for me as well.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 01:12 am (UTC)
Thanks. I have meds, but I know that peppiness is a matter of some time. So I have Cheetos.
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