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Half an hour, and completely terrified - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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Half an hour, and completely terrified [May. 24th, 2011|10:15 am]
Zoethe
Guys, I'm going to the doctor today. This is huge for me. Because of my depression, I've been hiding in in a steadily deteriorating state, growing so inert that some days I feel cast in amber.

Today I'm going to my physician and doing something that's damned near impossible for me: asking for help. I know my cholesterol level is high, I have continued to gain weight, my exercise has been almost nonexistent, and I'm deeply depressed - not the "I'm sad and miserable and constantly crying" depressed, but the "I don't need the world; I can just hole up here in a dark room and sleep" depressed. Which is harder for me to recognize and acknowledge as genuine depression. After all, with enough motivation I can overcome my inertia for a while and I still enjoy some things in life. But I also feel like half this year has slipped away while I've been mostly asleep.

So I need to make changes. Changes for my physical health and changes for my mental health. I've fallen into appallingly bad eating patterns because food is comforting - even though I know that comfort is ephemeral. I haven't been doing anything creative, because it's too much effort. I think about getting out my bike, but somehow never do it.

I avoid journaling, because I find myself repugnant just now and why should I burden all of you with this.

See, I'm supposed to be with-it and together and capable. And in my mind you guys must only like me for those qualities. So if I'm not those things, then I disappoint people - people here, my family and loves, my friends. I don't believe I'm likable just for me, only for what I can give.

I feel like I'm a fake, and trying to hide being a fake. And that has made me alternate between apathetic and cranky. I'm sure I've hurt people's feelings with some abrupt and cantankerous comments that weren't deserved. If I owe you an apology, please tell me so that I can try to make amends.

Mostly right now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to make the changes that I need to make to improve my life and health. I'm scared because right now every part of me is screaming "I don't WANNA!!! I wanna eat Cheetos and melt into the couch." I'm scared that I'll make changes and then backslide again and it will all be worse.

Now it's time to get in the car and go to the doctor. And I'm scared of doing that and posting this. But I'm going to do both.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 02:43 pm (UTC)
I have a friend who wants me to do this with her. The biggest issue is that Ferrett won't do it, so I will have to plan meals around having starches in the house, too, and not give into temptation.

But you're making me consider it.
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[User Picture]From: forestmaster
2011-05-25 03:30 pm (UTC)
My husband doesn't follow it either, but by virtue of me doing it, he has started to eat healthier or be more conscious of what he's eating... but it is a step that he's not ready for at this time.

What I've tried to do is to discuss with him meals that we'll both eat and then he can supplement with stuff that he wants to eat that I am trying not to... examples...

Spaghetti - he could eat with regular noodles, you could eat the regular tomato and (lots more than usual maybe) meat sauce with *spaghetti squash* noodles instead.

Steak/roast beef with a baked potato and side vegetable and/or salad. My husband would have a glass of milk and probably a roll or bagel with it... I might have more vegetables instead.

Tacos/enchiladas/Mexican - same Pace picante sauce base with chicken or ground beef (grass fed ideally, but that's another step down the road) and a variety of toppings... I'd use a romaine or head lettuce leaf for a shell, he might use tortilla wraps (flour)... I might get the corn wraps instead, but have less of them, as corn is also considered a starch, but I'm ok with it in moderation.... I may or may not have shredded cheese with my "taco", but additional sauce, tomatoes, bell peppers, etc. all are ok.

Feel free to bounce any questions my way if interested. I've been blogging about a challenge I've been doing through my fitness place over the last month that includes more strict paleo eating than I normally follow. It's a challenge if you want to be all or nothing about it, but you really should try to be if you want to give it a fair shot for a month). Most commercially prepared foods have *something* in them that isn't good... (Why is there sugar in my chicken broth/bouillon? Why is there wheat gluten in my soup? Etc).

Other tips that have really been helpful would be to write down what you're eating - I have a paper food log. I'm NOT counting calories, but I am counting rough "blocks" through zonediet.com portions (I can tell you more about that if interested) so I know if I'm getting enough protein to feed my muscles, but also my state of mind/health... and making sure I'm getting enough water or sleep. I'm noticing through this challenge that sleep is important, too...

As for Ferrett not doing it, [hide] tell him it's for your birthday. [hugs] Good luck. It would be for a month instead of 6 months as your selected meat abstinence from before... and it helps to support each other although having your friend do it with you should help for moral support, too. I remember eating the fruit smoothies helped... this time around it's a matter of eating more lean meat and lots of *vegetables*... maybe a bit less fruit, but it does a body good...real good.
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2011-05-25 05:28 pm (UTC)
You are inspiring me to do more research. Thanks!
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[User Picture]From: forestmaster
2011-05-25 05:50 pm (UTC)
You guys share so much of and about yourselves, it's nice to be able to have something potentially helpful/useful to offer in return for a change. :)
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