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6 years, 11 hours, 30 minutes - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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6 years, 11 hours, 30 minutes [Jun. 7th, 2014|11:30 pm]
At 6:45 this evening, surrounded by her family and loved ones, Rebecca died. Today was her sixth birthday.

I feel like I will never stop crying. Please don't try to console me with promises that my heart will find peace. I know these things intellectually, but at the moment they feel like poison. Cradling her small, warm corpse against my chest, I breathed in the scent of her hair, felt the smooth, fine muscles of her arms, and remembered the tiny baby she had been when I first held her just short of six years ago, when the Meyers brought her home. Back then I held her in the crook of my arm while joyous telephone calls rocketed around the country, announcing her arrival. Today I held her while her grieving parents dealt with the personal calls that needed to be made to distant relatives to break the terrible news.

Back then I spent an entire day waiting in excited anticipation for the arrival of a new baby. Today I spent the entire day listening to her breathing and wondering if it was going to stop. Back then, watching the Meyers show big sister Carolyn her new baby was a day of joy. Today, I was the one who went to pick Carolyn up at the birthday party she was attending and had to tell her to come home because her sister was dead.

The parallels stab at me: memories of overwhelming joy; experiences of unendurable sadness.

I can't help but wonder how we ever go on from this.

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[User Picture]From: bunny42
2014-06-08 04:46 am (UTC)
I can't begin to express how sorry I am. She was so beautiful.

Be strong, and know that we send our love.
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[User Picture]From: dharawal
2014-06-08 05:04 am (UTC)
sending love, she was a beautiful vibrant little girl and this is so wrong.

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[User Picture]From: ladyjaneinlace
2014-06-08 05:32 am (UTC)
I'm so utterly sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine it myself. Peace and love to you all...
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[User Picture]From: celamity
2014-06-08 06:17 am (UTC)
I am so sorry for your loss :(
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[User Picture]From: elf_fu
2014-06-08 06:50 am (UTC)
Thank you for sharing Rebecca with us. Thank you, Rebecca's parents, for sharing her with all of us--her struggle, triumphs, stubbornness and light.

Thank you for sharing your sorrow. I'm so sorry.
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[User Picture]From: naamah_darling
2014-06-08 07:26 am (UTC)
I don't even have words, so I will only say that I'm sorry, and I wish you all love and strength in one another.
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[User Picture]From: roadnotes
2014-06-08 08:17 am (UTC)
Bearing witness, holding you all in my hearts.
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[User Picture]From: stripedsocks
2014-06-08 10:10 am (UTC)
I am so, so, sorry. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: celticdragonfly
2014-06-08 11:19 am (UTC)
I am so sorry. I know it hurts so much. I've spent time myself wondering how we are to ever go on from this. And I've finally concluded I don't ever go on *from* this - I don't ever walk away from my grief and pain and loss. It goes with me. I have eventually started to move again, but I don't 'move on' in that it's part of me and it goes with me.

I wish I could hug you. Get some sleep when you can.
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[User Picture]From: wilhelmina_d
2014-06-08 11:46 am (UTC)
My deepest condolences.
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[User Picture]From: perseph12
2014-06-08 11:58 am (UTC)
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I ache you, Ferrett, and her family. She was a bright, sparkling, beautiful child, and I can only imagine how much she will be missed.

*Love to you*
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[User Picture]From: shalimar_98
2014-06-08 12:27 pm (UTC)
I add my sympathy to yours. And echo the comments of thank you for sharing her with us.
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[User Picture]From: dabble
2014-06-08 01:58 pm (UTC)
My love to you all x
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[User Picture]From: fallconsmate
2014-06-08 04:02 pm (UTC)
*hugs you silently, crying along with you*
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[User Picture]From: mplsindygirl
2014-06-08 04:17 pm (UTC)
Sending hugs, and crying for the loss of a beautiful person. I'm so sorry.
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