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The hazards of competence - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Zoethe

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The hazards of competence [Jul. 22nd, 2015|12:04 am]
Zoethe
My office is clean.

I’d show you pictures of this miracle, but as I did not take a “before,” it’s rather pointless. Suffice to say, it wasn’t Hoarders, but it wasn’t good.

And during the cleaning of my office, I had at least two occasions to say, “Who in the name of mercy left me in charge for the last nine months?” Today I will be spending my afternoon at the BMV, getting our car’s expired tags renewed, a task I could have done online months ago had I been capable of paying attention.

But I thought I had things under control. All client work was handled, the rest of the house was relatively clean, I was making it to my appointments. I wasn’t curled in a ball under the kitchen table. Perhaps it would have been better if I was. Perhaps my loved ones would have realized that I was not doing well.

Then again, it’s been a tough year for them, too.

As is typical with me, I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t know I needed help until I’d gotten past needing most of it. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s not like climbing a mountain and looking back to think, “I did that all myself!” It’s more like walking in a really dangerous neighborhood, stumbling back into safety, and wondering “What the hell was I thinking?!”

I’m safe now, I think. I’m asking for help more, setting boundaries, not pretending that I have it all in hand. I’m digging out. But it’s scary how much I didn’t recognize how bad I was.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: greybeta
2015-07-22 10:21 am (UTC)
Mrs. Ferrett, your predicament reminds me of the following quote by Fyodor Dostoyevsky: “Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.”
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[User Picture]From: zoethe
2015-07-22 02:19 pm (UTC)
Very true.
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[User Picture]From: betawriter
2015-07-22 02:47 pm (UTC)
I was in the same position as you for the past year or so. Work was getting handled and I was (mostly) handling my health stuff, but the life paperwork was a little non-handled.

So I threw money at the problem and hired a personal assistant to do our taxes for the last two years (we were owed money, which I knew, so I let it slide), take care of license plate things, write a Father's Day card for me, and etc. etc. on and on. It very much lowered my stress, which was messing up my INR numbers, which was forcing me to go to the Coumadin clinic every week, so by lowering my stress, I got some time back by getting my INR number under control again. Fabulous!

Anyway, if you've got a bunch of tasks, and a friend who is good with paperwork, you may want to hire it out, which is what I did. Easy peasy. Plus then you get to say that you hired a personal assistant, which makes you sound fancy la la.
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From: anonymousalex
2015-07-25 01:52 pm (UTC)
I'm starting to dig out from a similar (albeit shorter and less extreme) situation. I may be rationalizing, but I see a lot of this as just being the cost of doing business (the business being life).

Which is not to say that I haven't had conversations about the value and maturity of asking for help when you need it. But I decided I don't have room in my life for anyone who wouldn't cut me some slack for this, and I'm not going to exclude myself from that list. So if I didn't live up to my ideal of help-asking and limitation-recognizing, well, I'm going to cut myself some slack for that, too.

-Alex
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