|Be awesome to each other
||[Aug. 6th, 2015|02:13 pm]
I'm feeling blue today, after a conversation with a couple who are breaking up. She did things, and he did things, and then they both did things out of anger and pain and defensiveness.|
In the end, she sits stricken, tears rolling down her still face. And he has the calm of someone who has walled away his emotions.
I sit between a woman who doesn't want a divorce, and a man who can't stay any longer.
And I just want to smack them both.
Yes, there were things done, and things said, that are unforgettable. But when I see that much pain between people who obviously still care, I just wish I could knock some sense into them.
It takes a lot to put aside pain and anger when someone has hurt you badly. And some people are determined to just keep causing pain. Sometimes you've both changed too much to reach across the gap.
But sometimes it seems like two good people of good will who care about each other simply can't get past an event.
I've heard the phrase, "Never assign to malice what can be attributed to stupidity." And when Ferrett says or does something hurtful, I try hard to remain calm and point out the painful thing instead of shooting back.
Sometimes I fail. And then Ferrett is generally wise enough to tell me that I've hurt him.
Sometimes we both fail. But we try not to fail for long. We can damage each other, but we have faith in our good will and push through our own anger to reach out to each other.
As I sat with that couple, I wanted so much to help them reach through their anger and hurt. But you can't force that on people, and a year of painful encounter takes a lot to get through. All I can do is urge them to be as good to each other as they can.
*nods* when chris and i split, there were a lot of reasons. but the main one, to me, was that he could no longer answer yes when asked "are you still in love with me". oh, he still loved me then, still loves me now. but somewhere along the way he'd lost that spark for me, and i did not want to keep clutching at him wanting things to be what they were not.
we parted *before* we started being ugly towards one another. we're still parents together, so we tried to keep civil for that, and eventually we began to be friends again.
it was easier for him than for me, because he already stopped feeling committed. but we were not ugly towards one another, and we kept holding each other up to the kids. (holding each other up, not making ugly remarks. we were still parents united against the children, as we put it. and there were lots of reassurances that both parents still loved both children.)
Oof. What a rough place in which to be.
perhaps some therapy would help? Some people need help expressing what they feel in a way that their partner can hear. Especially if you sense there is still caring there.
We were lucky. Early in our relationship we went to Marriage Encounter, and though it is not 'therapy', it's main point is to teach and encourage the sharing of feelings, especially the negative ones, in a way that can be 'heard' and dealt with.
They've done therapy. It didn't help. :-(
When people I know and care about break up like this, it gives me a physical ache.
I don't even know them that well, and it's still heartbreaking.
I find hugging my S.O. helps, a little.