It's interesting how you change over time. I remember a conversation I had with a secretary in the history department about the subject of deadlines. She was talking how various students missed various important deadlines for getting paperwork to her. I suggested that she tell them that the deadlines are actually sooner than they are so that she could remind them of the real deadline so they don't miss them. I don't know why, but I used to take responsibility for helping others make their obligations. I did this when I taught college students too. Now I just shake my head. I take the view now that I'm not somebody else's mommy. I barely have the energy and time to look after my own responsibility, much less looking after other adults.
"I'm not your mother" is exactly how I'm feeling about these people. Argh!
It becomes more and more clear to me that many people had really crappy/unintentional/ineffective parents who didn't do much parenting at all. Which leads to many many adults who don't get how to do adulting. Ugh.
Interestingly, my lack of being parented is what made me be responsible--because there was no one else to do it.
then perhaps we could call your parents' parenting style 'effective' for you ? Some kids will take the reins, and more power to them. I think the most ineffective parenting can be never giving your child opportunity to think/act/struggle for themselves.
>>I'm not a lawyer, I'm a babysitter.
I'm not a development manager, I'm a babysitter. The difference is I am actually paid to develop them to the point of not needing babysitting, which I've had mixed results with, developers being developers.
Yeah, convincing people that they need to handle their own stuff is always a challenge. I remember one time when I was still a paralegal, working in divorce, and had a client call me, furious with the list of documents we wanted her to pull together--bank statements, credit card statements, taxes, paystubs, etc. She yelled, "What am I hiring you for, if I have to come up with all of that?" I asked politely how she expected *me* to get them, but she was still furious.
As a paralegal, I do a fair chunk of our pre-trial stuff - Interrogatories, medical stuff. It is AMAZING how irritated clients can get when I ask them to fill out forms asking them such difficult information as "What are your children's names, address and birthdates" and "Who are your current doctors?"
So you and I graduated from law school around the same time, IIRC. I recently quit my job and moved across the country, having gotten an opportunity to take some time off as well. I'm being sworn in to the Washington bar next month, but about ten days ago I realized I don't want to practice law anymore, not for awhile, and this? THIS WAS SO MUCH OF WHY. Since I did civil legal services, I had a lot of clients who were...well, not very good at adulting is one way to put it, and yeah, I did a lot of babysitting and hand-holding until I think I gave too much and gave out, so I totally get you. It is hard. I had coworkers who were much better at drawing the line than I was until the last year or so, and I hope you find a good way to do so.
I remind myself that my clients are in bankruptcy because they don't adult well, but it gets exhausting. Last night we had our lawyer dinner and there was a long rambling bitch-fest about this issue.
I'm doing a bit better today.
I work for Legal Aid as a staff attorney. This is the story of our lives.
Sooner or later, you grow philosophical and let them sink or swim on their own merits. Or go mad.
Really, the problem boils down to that responsible people who have their lives well-organized and know how to function well don't tend to need lawyers as much as those who don't.
My first mentor told me that the certificate says "attorney and counselor" for a reason.
Counselor is not the same as mother.
True, but it's what I think of every time a client wants me to go way above and beyond my job.