|Getting back into the world
||[Jan. 4th, 2016|05:32 pm]
Ferrett had someone to go out with last night. He asked if I was okay with it.|
I said, sure. It was comfortable to have him out of the house for the evening. He's been out a lot lately, and I've gotten used to it.
That alarmed me.
The past couple years have been emotionally difficult for me. In reaction to it, I've become an introvert. I have to work myself up to go out, even with people I really love. Once I get out, I'm good with people for a while, but it exhausts me.
In the meantime, Ferrett's dating pool has increased. He has been enthusiastically making friends, going out, having weekends away.
And I realized, with a bit of shock, that I've sort of offloaded his emotional needs to other people.
This isn't to say that I stopped loving him, or stopped wanting to be with him. I had just stopped being emotionally involved with pretty much anybody. Out of respect for all I've been going through, Ferrett retracted most of his needs, redistributing them elsewhere. We still love each other, but we were in danger of becoming affectionate roommates.
This realization does not make me unhopeful. The fact that I recognized it at all is a sign to me that I am recovering that much more from the deep hole of grief in which I've spent the last couple years. I am looking up, looking around for the light of my life. And realizing that he is further away than I want him to be.
We've already talked about this, and are already making changes: rearranging some times that were intended to be apart, replanning evenings so that we get out to the movies together, reorganizing evening activities so that we eat dinner together and I do the craft work I want to do at the same time that he is writing. These are, for the most part, easy adjustments, things that have more to do with awareness and scheduling than emotion.
But they will return us to the things that bring us closer. In our early marriage, when we had a lot of growing and changing to do and it seemed like every conversation was about The Relationship, I insisted that we put that crap aside and just go out and enjoy each others company. It made all the difference, remembering why we were putting in all that hard work. Now it's not hard work, but it is reconnecting. And doing so from a place of enthusiasm from both of us. Because everything stems from our core relationship. We're good that way.