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Scattered thundershowers, scattered thoughts - The Fucking Bluebird of Goddamn Happiness [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Scattered thundershowers, scattered thoughts [Jul. 21st, 2003|12:05 pm]
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]

It’s storming outside my window. Thunder growls at a distance and the trees heave and sigh as the wind shifts them under the weight of heavy rain, like an old man prodded into moving beneath a blanket. The day is twilit beneath the pregnant sky, the lightning obscured to a flicker. There is nothing threatening in this desultory storm. Yet it sits over the campus, oppressive and languid.

If I were awakened from a coma and asked to identify the time of year, I would say late September at least. It neither looks nor feels like summer. Everything is very green, though, thanks to all the rain.

Still, it’s the kind of weather that fills one with melancholy and encourages dwelling on regrets.

The most recent is that we had so little time with lyssabard in Ann Arbor this weekend. Having spent a stressful hour-and-change simply getting to the rendezvous point with our group of five intact, I could not in good conscience encourage her gang of six or seven to join us in the meandering. Ferrett and I both felt very much like rubber bands, stretching to keep track of the front end of the group while trying to encourage the back end to at least keep up well enough to avoid a wrong turn—with additional folk our heads would probably have exploded. Nevertheless, the visit was too short and I am still peeved at myself for forgetting to demand a showing of the tattoo. I was thinking about it all the way up the street, and then in the chaos of introductions lost track of the thought. Damn and double damn—and yet, a further motivation for getting out to DC for a visit at some point, so perhaps not all bad.

I regret, too, that I will not be able to spend any time with her before she makes the move, since next weekend is packing weekend and I will be on the long drive to fetch the girls. Mixed feelings personified.

I regret that there isn’t more of me to go around, and feel badly that I am, perhaps, letting friends down who could use more attention, affection, and ears to bend. Again, the mixed blessings of having many people to care about and much to do. I know they know I love them, but that isn’t really enough when they are hurting.

This summer was supposed to be filled with reading and intellectual pursuit, and it has not. Once again, the lack of time eats at me, and the time I have passes too quickly. I wore myself out so thoroughly over the course of the school year that in the quiet times when I am alone, I tend to fall asleep.

This is the kind of day that cries out for curling up by the window with a good book, not shuffling through files in an over-air conditioned office. It is a quiet time sort of day, but the world does not allow for those. No wonder the heart wanders to despondent thought. But it will not last, and the sun will shine out again on a world washed clean. I can hold onto that.